My husband has been suffering from a depressive episode for the last 6 months. He is in therapy once a week, I am in therapy on an as needed basis and we have attended together. He was taking an SSRI for 5 months and that didn't work. He just started an SNRI a week ago today.
I am looking for help on how to handle the fallout of this disease. I am feeling very hurt by behavior that occurred in the thick of this episode. He is feeling very guilty and shameful for his behavior. He is trying to heal. I am trying to heal. I am feeling very lonely. Our therapist has told me to lower my expectations, for now. He told me that all my husband is capable of right now is showing up to therapy and taking his medication.
I am at a loss and do not know how to help myself and him while trying to be a working mom of 2 busy elementary school boys. If there is anyone who has experience with a depressed spouse please offer some guidance.
Is your husband going to work regularly? Or is he home all day not doing anything much but laying around? This is important because if he's only capable of showing up for therapy and taking his medication then he shouldn't be going to work. If he's going to work then he's capable of far more than what the doctor has said.
Anything else I would say depends on this distinction which gives a picture of his present condition.
He is going to work. We had a difficult therapy session yesterday where I expressed my loneliness. I stated that I didn't understand why it is so difficult for him to sit next to me on the couch or want to hold my hand or hug me hello or goodbye. Our therapist acknowledged that that is very difficult and that I had every right to question that. He stated that this is not what I thought I was getting into when we decided to marry. He asked me if I wanted to leave. I said no. He than asked me to hold on a little longer because I stated that I was committed to staying, for now. He said that my husband has shown a commitment to getting better by coming every week and by taking his medication regularly. He said that is all he is capable of. Those should be my expectations, for now.
Something is amiss. For him to be able to go to work and think and be around other people and to perform his duties as an employee requires quite a bit out of him. His psychiatrist should be saying that all he is capable of is "showing up for therapy, taking his medication and going to work" but he doesn't because that would emphasize the glaring incongruity of his statement.
In my opinion, he is capable of being a dad to his sons in some respects. He can set his limits but I would expect him to take some responsibility since he's able to go to his job 40 hours a week plus transportation time. Surely he can give them an hour or a half hour most days? After all, they don't understand his current crisis and they remain his sons no matter what happens between you and him.
As for you, the doctor seems to be saying your husband needs time to work out his feelings for you, which seem to be questionable. Before you get too distressed, this could simply be part of not knowing where the depression and anxiety is coming from and he's wondering if it's due to you because you're a major player in his life. A kind of logic, if misplaced. It could well be that he's simply lost. Which can be why he's needing encouragement even with giving time to his sons.
Keep in mind how profoundly depression and anxiety affect a person's outlook and security and every aspect of their being. It's hard to describe it's just so huge. Giving your husband time is a very important thing and a good and necessary thing. You won't come out better by pressing him or pushing him imho. You can gently try to get results or answers but you also need to back off when it appears he's not able to give you what you want. When you request something, you might want to relate it to being no more difficult than his job, or easier than his job, since that's what he can do at this time.
Ah! I suspect medication issues. If he is able to work and go to therapy it is likely his medication is not handling one major symptom which is anhedonia. if he is still in a zombie-like state, it is likely his doses need to be adjusted.
when taking medication, there is absolutely no reason why he should not be able to resume his regular life unless his medication is still missing something.
i happen to be missing medication to treat the anhedonia symptom of depression myself at this time and working to find a psychiatrist to help me through that actually. I have problem relating properly with people around me and lack motivation and interest in activities that I would have otherwise enjoyed. Fun is a strange word in my life at this time but from past medication experience, i know it is possible to overcome it too.
there is typically a depression evaluation form handed out by psychiatrists. Ask your husband to honestly fill one out and ensure that his psychiatrist works to treat every single symptom that still lingers. Simply handing a patient an SSRI or an SSNI does not solve all. Sometimes it takes a cocktail of which may include antianxiety, and even stimulant medications to get a more rounded treatment for major depression and anxiety.
in my case, I am on Effexor, clonazepam, bupropion, and eventually vyvanse(this I have found in the past helps me deal with lack of interest and motivation aka anhedonia).
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