New Here..

[LostMom23]

First off, hey everyone.

I am really struggling to write this (its my 5th attempt). I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder. This is the first time I am talking about it. I stopped going to therapy about a year ago but I continue to take Cymbalta for my anxiety and depression associated with the disorder. My DID stems from a long history of abuse, abandonment, and Substance abuse in my early childhood. Although my psychologist wanted me to talk about the abuse and my early years I couldnt. He named the parts of my brain that are not working as a team. I guess I wasnt accepting that I had this disorder and I still find it very depressing that I have a type of personality disorder. Instead of facing it, I let the "sarcastic and insensitive" part of me take control and I left. I was at a point where it was becoming easier to talk to him too. And on top of not wanting to talk about my early years, I am ashamed since I stopped sessions. I returned to my 9 year (now 10) relationship that was toxic and causing more grief because I felt like I was doing good and in control. I am not in control, I guess I never have been. I have immediately allowed myself to be passive and I am back to having to ask for permission to do anything, including showering because I need the baby to be tended to. But it didnt have to be that way..he has been battling his own recovery from alcoholism and mental illness..I just dont know how to change my behavior in the relationship.

I'm sorry for first time writer word vomit. I just want to go back to my psychologist but despite knowing their "restrictions" on judgement, he's human and he will judge.

[Clazzy78]

Hello.

Why do they think you have the disorder? Have you asked them?

Has anything else happened or have you done anything else to lead them to that diagnosis?

I'm a great fan of instincts, and if you don't agree with the diagnosis get them to explain it to you.

You have gone through a lot in your life and it isn't surprising you need someone to talk to but just because you have had lots of issues doesn't make you mentally ill. Ask your psychologist to show you the evidence for his diagnosis and to show you the evidence for the parts of your brain not working as a team. There is no evidence for it I'm afraid so what you say about not thinking you have the diagnosis could be correct. There is no biological evidence for any mental illness I'm afraid.

Talking sound good for you and you said you enjoyed it too only you find it hard to talk about your childhood, that is understandable.

In your relationship which you describe as toxic, why do you behave that way?

Cognitive behavioural therapy can help change behaviour patterns from negative to positive. You could ask your psychologist about that.

Don't ever feel like the psychologist will judge you, I'm sure they don't. And even if they do...who cares? They are there to provide you a service and personal opinions should never come into the equation.

Best wishes 💗

[LostMom23 in reply to Clazzy78]

Thank you so much for responding..you actually mirrored what my close friend has said to me when I was first diagnosed. Originally, I was diagnosed with PTSD and after about 5 months of therapy he began introducing me to the DID diagnoses. He explained that I compartmentalize my feelings and thoughts. Although some of what he said made sense, some of it just did not add up. It could be that my lack of trust in people and inability to express caused him to believe that I compartmentalize myself. When I am nervous I laugh and when I am uncomfortable I become sarcastic to avoid discussion. I had a hard time talking about a lot of things including my relationship..I didnt talk about with him up until the last few months I was in therapy.

When I mean toxic, I mean he was mentally abusive and when he was drunk he could get physical. I was weighed down by the rollercoaster and being a 'single' mom. After 9 years I had learned to survive the relationship, knowing what not to say or do, etc. Even though he recieved help and seems to have been doing better handling his emotions, I continue to stay in survival mode waiting for all of it to start again. I asked a question I suppose I already have the answer to; my guard is up due to the fear that he will revert and if I let that guard down and he does revert then I will no longer be able to protect myself like before. Of course this leads me to a bigger fear that this is not going to work.

Thank you again!!!!

[Clazzy78 in reply to LostMom23]

Hi. I cannot tell you whether to remain or not in a toxic relationship but I will say it cannot be fun being in survival mode all of the time. Hugs to you xxx

Do you want to remain in the relationship or do you need to remain in the relationship?

Hugs , Clazzy 💗

[LostMom23 in reply to Clazzy78]

Thats a great question. I left him about a year ago and although it has been very hard on me and my children we made it without him. I dont necessarily believe I need to remain in the relationship as much as I believed I wanted to be when we first reconciled a few months back. Now that we are in the relationship again, survival mode is eating me up. I see a huge difference in how he behaves and speaks but then there is me..defensive and always feeling like I need to watch my back with him despite his obvious changes. I know I love him but I believe the weight of my resentment for all of the years of pain he caused is too heavy and I have not let go of it.

[Clazzy78 in reply to LostMom23]

Oh that is very difficult. I do understand what you are saying.

Ultimately the decision is YOURS whether to end it or not.

To me, and I don't know you as a friend, you do not sound happy at all. Like you said you and your children did survive when you left him before, you are strong. If you do decide to leave - you CAN survive again.

I wish you all the best and you will come to the right decision in the end I'm sure. Keep those instincts in check too.

Keep in contact,

Hugs and best wishes 💗

[LostMom23]

Thank you so much again. Even though you cant tell me what to do, I feel like you helped me get all of that out of my brain since I have been holding most of this in for a long time.

You keep in touch as well!! ❤

[LostMom23]

Are you in therapy? (If you dont mind I ask!!)