Trying to figure it out

Hello everyone, I am a career woman, strong and supportive for others, but feeling like on the inside I'm coming unglued. I went through a very scary , traumatic incident almost a year ago, that has changed my outlook to everything. My spouse strangled me and I felt sure he tried to kill me, however he was intoxicated, no excuse, JUST saying. He was jailed 6 weeks, attended AA meetings and has been alcohol free ever since. He returned home after about 4 months and has been a different person. But for me it is always a thought. I don't sleep well, feel depressed, do not enjoy normal marital activities. Feel like people are always saying, "you know he tried to kill her and she took him back." Mind you it was the only time there was physical abuse in 16 years. I just don't k ow what is going on inside me.

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  • Welcome. You are so bruised emotionally. You have been through so much, and you still have unfinished emotional business with your husband's actions. You do not have a life where you feel safe.

    I feel you need just to be held gently and find a safe place to "exhale." This venue can be a safe place for you.

    The word love is not mentioned in your post.

    Physical abuse once is too much for you to trust this man, too much for anyone, except for him. He used the excuse of being drunk, spent time in jail, goes to AA, and thinks that all should be forgiven. He is addicted to a powerful drug of alcohol, and addicts can relapse. You know you are afraid of that.

    Imagine, if anything could be possible, what would you like your life to be now?

  • Good morning, thanks for your support, I don't really think that he feels lime all is forgiven, but I get what you are saying. At the same time I don't think he understands the full impact emotionally. As far as love I look at love a little differently now. I think that is probably one of my confusions. I understand that abuse one time is too much. I am a smart woman, and I think people undermine me because of my choice to continue in my marriage. I will not allow alcohol in this relationship, I assure you of that. If possible I would turn back time, but then he would be drinking again so I suppose everythi g has a reason, I was on the verge of leaving prior to the incident because of his drinking. I feel like if you forgive someone you have to let it go but it is always there.

  • You may want to attend a few Alanon meetings if you have not done so, just for some insight into living with an alcoholic.

  • I did offer to go with him, but that didn't happen, I know in my heart that he still doesn't think he's an alcoholic, but I know he is. I have not looked into meetings for myself, I did try to get counseling but even with my insurance it was out of bounds for me. So thought maybe this site could help some??

  • ALANON is free. Or you can do what I did when I left my husband 25 years ago. I went to AA meeting and introduced myself as a member of ALANON, but wasn't getting the answers I needed to reassure myself that leaving was a good choice and that I didn't cause my executive husband to be such a bully and drunk every night before he came home. I am a professional woman, like you, with graduate degrees.

    I went to a noon meeting. It was dominated by men. When I explained why I was there, they were extremely supportive and began to talk to me. It was as if they had been hiding in a closet in my house. These were blue collar workers who had the wisdom of Soloman. They were also predictive of what I might be facing if I didn't have a safe place to go.

    The one thing I really remember was that I was so confused and uneasy about the fact I knew I could not live another 20 years like I had the last 10. But wanted to be certain it hadn't been my fault.

    I wasn't confused when I Ieft that meeting. I moved out one day while he was away from home. It was a hell of a divorce, but I never looked back.

    My husband wasn't going to change, and I would always be looking over my shoulder waiting for him to get physical.

    Sometimes difficult choices must be made. An apology for past dangerous behavior is not enough.

    No matter how sad or bad a day I may have, there is a saying among my friends, that well things could be worse....you could still be married to Mr......

  • Hi how awful for you and what a dreadful experience! I'm afraid I agree totally with PTSDforyears.

    I know if this had happened to me, no matter what treatment he had, then I would never be able to trust him again. No wonder you are living on edge with your head all over the place.

    Would a trial separation be possible until you are fairly sure that he will never do it again? It sounds to me like you need some time apart to figure things out and to think of the best thing for you. Don't try and be self sacrificing as your health and safety is at risk. Take care.

  • Thank you, we were apart 4 months and honestly I started to feel comfortable and feared if I did not. Let him come home I would not ever let him and I wanted to give it a chance. So here I am. I dont feel afraid of him, i just feel emotionally unsettled.😯

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