Trying to let go

One of my current 'key issues' with my anxiety is the breakup with the one person i truly loved and trusted after years of abuse/trauma. There had never been a solid reason to the split, we'd just spent a week vacation together which I thought went well and then he went back to work and ceased communication, until I'd tell him I was going to let him go and let him be happy because obviously he wasnt. Then he would do something to try and hold on. It was that period of ignore me, push me away, pull me close when my head got bad fast. I started losing it, I was accusing him of all sorts of things trying to figure out his behavior, in turn my behavior was becomming erratic, irrational, I was going through all of this in silence because he was never there. One day I noticed he had deleted me from a social media platform. To me that says gtfo of my life. I got upset and called looking to see if this was his way of ending it (quite a mature way). He didnt answer. But I left a voicemail. He didnt return my call, so I tried again with no response. So then I emailed him figuring he wasnt going to answer me. I'm agoraphobic but I was truly planning to try and drive out and speak to him face to face (with him. I could go anywhere/do anything, I felt invincible). He sent me a text saying I was being crazy, citing the fact i was calling w my number blocked. I didnt know it was. I was prepping for a court case against my ex husband and didnt want some people knowing my number so i did block it, but forgot to unblock, I wasn't trying to hide who I was or I wouldn't have left a message. He wanted to break up that day. Pathetically, I begged for 10 days. Just 10 days for us to have the chance for us to talk about the things bothering him and me because what we had was a really good thing and I wanted to save it. Those first few days seemed promising, then I realized he just didnt care, those days were given to me out of pity and I told him I was letting him go even though it was killing me to do so. He still contacted me for a few weeks at first, when he needed someone to talk to, didnt matter what I needed or when. I put my foot down explaining all I felt and it started to get ugly. He didnt want to see things from my perspective. I went into a downward spiral amazingly fast. Drinking, taking too many pills, blacking out and losing time, missing my therapy appts. I knew I wanted to die. When my psychiatrist sent the mobile crisis unit to my home to check on me I woke on the floor of my room in half pjs and a dress, hungover, unsteady, with a severely low blood pressure and fell down the stairs. They took me to the hospital for medical purposes and kept me in the psychiatric unit to follow. No med changes, just observation and fears I had slipped back into an eating disorder (h/o anorexia going back 23 years). I spent 10 days in the hospital. Tried contacting him when I came out, no luck. Tried at other points, his birthday, special days, nothing. Obviously he doesnt care. I ruined everything, burned each and every bridge with my meltdown. I gave up not only thinking he'd ever speak to me again, but I gave up the fact he ever loved me at all.

I've not been able to put all of his/our photos away, I was hoping theyd help me desensitize myself a bit, give me a sort of aversion to him. And they do, at this point, hurt to look at. I've finished certification in sports nutrition, fitness, & personal training in the 6 months since we split. Fearing an anorexic relapse I thought I'd consume myself with practical knowledge and learning to take better care of myself. I eat more and have lost 38 lbs, 2 dress sizes, 4% body fat and my biceps and delts are amazing lol. And I'm using this professional knowledge now to help an obese family member & overweight diabetic friend hoping to rid of medication dependence, my first test cases 🙂 it's a huge mental boost to be able to help others, but also keeping myself appropriately fit with the proper diet - helps tons. I'm also back on my klonopin thank god!

My former other half recently contacted me in a very ambiguous string on messages. It was like "go away crazy b!+ch" "you're going to be so proud of me" "I havent kept in touch fully because I fear you be hated me for what I've done, but I did fix..." i had to explain i dont blame or hate him at all. I still love him, I'll always love him, I blame me, i always have. He stopped communicating after that. I know originally he said it was time to stop communicating. Just didnt make sense then to continue the way he did. I waited a week or so and explained that this was the kind of thing that plays with my head and I'd appreciate he explain if theres something more hed like to say or clarify, or if he just wants or needs reassurance, that's fine. He knows I'm always going to be here. And I immensely apologized for my breakdown and tried to explain what happens when someone with PTSD and depression/anxiety is cornered with that amount of stress. I hoped it was a baby step to rebuilding a friendship. After 2 weeks... I think he was just screwing with me. Payback maybe. Because I havent heard a thing.

At any rate I feel like I need to force myself to let go. I wear an engraved dog tag necklace with his name on it, it's like when I can take it off, I can let go. I tried last week and burst into tears. I reduced the 'family photos' to 2. And I cant put them away (even though theres a scrapbook in existence I started during the relationship) because it feels like I'm giving up all hope. I dont want to completely give up. But I kind of feel like its time. If he loved me at any point, he wouldn't want me to feel this way.

I'm not sure how to start. Any suggestions would be great. I need to do this without crying like a baby.

[Strongheartforever]

Sending you strength to do the healthy thing and let go. You mentioned the huge mental boost of helping others get healthy, so apply that to your own life. You’re on the upward swing. Keep going with that momentum and progress. That’s the way out. Going backwards with this guy, actually just a disillusioned idea of him, is the wrong direction. Thank him for setting you free to be available for someone who actually deserves your love and attention.

[Hidden in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thanks, I do have a tendency to look after others more than myself. I think it's a curse in many of us who are anxious/depressed. The fitness/weight loss and visible changes are definitely more of a mental stimulant than meds and I find when I get upset I'll jump on the treadmill, throw on a song, close my eyes, focus on lyrics and sing and it blocks that negativity building.

But hes always been tough to let to of. He has similar issues to myself, he grew up in the midst of abuse and trauma like myself, my psychologist will stand up for him and tell me not to hate him, he may just be going through things and need to sort things out. He somewhat confirmed that in his last set of messages to me, he just overcame a huge challenge for him that was dragging him down and effecting our relationship. And I see it's hard on him because he only contacted me when he heard I started to date a male friend of mine (didnt work out). I dont think it's much a coincidence to email the ex bf that hes doing tons better with one of the things that hurt the relationship once she begins moving on.

He has always had a hard time being emotionally there, I dont blame him at all, my reply to him was blunt, a little detached, but also had the potential of being hurtful in the sense I admitted the things that I did to hurt him will always be my biggest regret and I'd do anything to change the way things are, I still love him. I would imagine that may be tough to read when hes blamed himself for so long. Enough sticking up for him, but we all have our issues and I dont want to paint anyone in a negative light.

Overall, though, I know it's not healthy for me to keep waiting for something that may never be, as much as I love him. I'd be perfectly content being alone the rest of my life. My 22 year old moved back in with me after I was in the hospital and I raised a brilliant young man, bipolar with aspergers syndrome, he is bright, inquizative, loves to ask questions, appreciates my background education and knowledge and brings his friends over to talk to me, he has many LBGT friends whose parents do not understand and I have always had a nonjudgemental "cant judge anyone when I'm a little messed up" attitude. So I let the kids talk to me with my professional psych background. I cant work, but they make me feel appreciated, like I did right as a parent. I talk to my son every day and am just in awe at what a smart, respectable human being he is and I'm so happy he is home with me. (His former step dad turned him against me, both my kids, he sent my 22 yr old out of state at 18 without meds or therapy resources, he wound up homeless and on drugs, when I had reached out to him he was convinced I abused him as a child and other false stories fed to him by step dad, it took 4 years and being homeless in 10 states for him to need his mom and see the truth, I have lost my youngest though.) That takes care of the loneliness, I dont need anything more, my cat, dogs, and my kid 😊.

My ex will always be in my heart, but the photos and stupid things I still have like his body wash is still here. Valentine Day cards... it's like an anchor. I feel like I should be able to let go peacefully, move forward without losing that place in my heart he's welcome to come back to. I think I fear forgetting the memories as I have forgotten some already. I try to write some down, but it's different than the experience.

I think I have to find a way of reminding myself that abandonment and letting go are not the same. Maybe think of my son letting go but he came back when he was ready. Idk. Sorry to talk so much I'm kind of finding mental clues through replying haha

[Strongheartforever in reply to Hidden]

Yes reframe the idea. Abandonment implies victimhood. Letting go implies empowerment. You’re much too strong to align yourself with victimhood. This one concept can set you free as it unveils the truth. You’re being a friend to yourself instead of an enemy when you see the power you hold. Direct it with wisdom and patience and you are unstoppable.

[AZ1970]

How hard. You have been through so much with him. Lots of ups and downs. Have you considered that you need to grieve the loss of this relationship? That is how we come to acceptance. Maybe you need to cry. Let it out. His actions don’t sound like love. You deserve much better than someone who plays games with your mind. He ignores you and then you look crazy when you can’t take it. Sounds like gaslighting to me. Please shower yourself with self care. Reconnect with people who care about you. Sending a big hug!

[Hidden in reply to AZ1970]

Oh I've grieved so many times and I swear he knows when I'm ready to move forward because that's when he magically pops up 😔. You could very well be right about him, but again so hard to tell when we both have psych issues. I started making more steps tonight because crying myself to sleep over him simply isnt worth it anymore!

[littleorange8 in reply to Hidden]

exactly the same. has he tried to contact you anymore?

[Hidden in reply to littleorange8]

Not in two weeks. He last said he's working on giving up drinking, which was always a go to coping mechanism for him and he has self esteem issues and always felt the need to drink to be social. I went through the same and it caused an intense depression for the first few weeks. My psychiatrist was able to give me a medication to help that and I still take it to avoid relapsing but he hates doctors and I'm sure he is doing it alone. Very proud of him as he recognizes it impacted our relationship (yet somehow hes a manipulative narcissist 🙄). He also said he is working more to help avoid temptation. I'm tempted to msg him so we can talk about these things (so I can give him the same support he offered me) but he needs to come out and start talking. He may or may not contact me. I put almost everything away last night. I kept one picture of us out, just 1. It's not in plain sight. I took all of our pics off my computer (as well as all the movies we watched together that remind me of him) and put them on a flash drive and put that away. I can move forward alone. I'm sure he knows as well as I do that I've gotten better and made changes for me for the better. He can be part of that growth or let things be the way they are. I'll always hope for the former I just wont rely on it. I have absolutely no intention on any other relationships until I am at least 100% med free stable 😂

[rach1402]

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but that sounds like a toxic relationship that you're better off out of. I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive but I think you already know it from what you've said and maybe you just need a bit of affirmation. It sounds to me like he's a narcissist and you might be co-dependent, in which case the only way he can have a relationship is if he's in complete control and has no regard for the feelings of others. It's likely that this has been or could become a pattern in your life if you don't put a stop to it once and for all by cutting him out of your life completely, because you are an empathic person who unfortunately has a tendency to take the blame for others actions. The only way to be free of someone like that and recover from his abuse is to block his number, don't let him have any power over you and if you know the same people, make sure he can't use them to find out any information about you that he can use against you. He will manipulate you and other people by playing the victim to get what he wants and he will stop at nothing because he needs narcissistic supply to feed his ego. He's messed up and with the best will in the world you can't fix him and he will never change. Be strong and move on with your life, helping people who can and want to be helped. It's not your fault he's treated you like this but now it's time to close the door on that chapter of your life and never let him back in. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect so draw strength from positive relationships with people who genuinely care about you x

[Hidden in reply to rach1402]

Sorry no, I'm a highly independent person and he is the child of a narcissist who suffered lifelong abuse and witnessed the suicide of his brother. I have heard people say exactly what you have so many times I took it to my psychologist in tears questioning this newfound idea of codependence and this 1 man who dropped his life to fly 3000 miles as our relationship felt strained just to be able to be with me on my birthday. He has put me, my psychiatric and physical health needs before his failing heart, 80 hour a week intense job, 4 siblings and thier families... I could continue to describe his issues but that's not fair to him. Just because he needs to space himself and it's hard for him to take on someone elses problems and he feels the need to hide, but doesnt want to lose them - doesnt make him anything more than a human with difficulties in his life no greater or lesser than anyone here. He is trying to heal from his own trauma. We didnt work. It kills me every day. I know it's better to move on at least until hes stronger. I still love him, I will always love him, and it was me who treated him like a natcisstic bitch during the breakdown that followed our breakup because I had 50 other things going on in my life and I felt like I was drowning and I lashed out at everyone. The fact he acknowledges me shows to me he actually has a heart. He didnt abandoned the psycho crazy chick. And what has he asked on me since the day we met? Nothing. He only wanted to be loved for who he was and the intimacy freaked him out. From my experience exposing emotion and having intimate experiences freaks many men out. He didnt just dump me after, he needed a month to figure out what to do and when he did he was in the hospital frequently with panic attacks believing they were heart attacks.

So you can throw words like narcissistic and codependent around all you like and try to make me question myself and my mentality, that would make you no better than the perception of him trying to make me question. You do not know me or him enough to make such distasteful judgements.

-mother of 2 severely disabled children, myself w PTSD, avoidant personality disorder, major depression, anxiety disorder, many physical health problems.

- Happily single 8 of the 13 years since splitting with my husband, only one truly serious relationship in those 5 years and I am speaking of it.

- Perfectly fine alone now, just happen to love my previous boyfriend.

- SAHM 8 years for my disabled, mentally ill children, B.S. psychology (2 yrs working professionally inpatient, 1 yr 1:1 with mentally, intellectually, physically, disabled) before having to stop working.

- A.S. Photography & A.S. Heath & Fitness, A.S. Sports nutrition... allowing me to combat severe agoraphobia by getting out - ALONE, getting healthy, helping friends do the same, and catching images of beauty most people take forgranted.

-Nonjudgmental altruistic community activist

If that is a codependent requiring a narcissist to feel whole, then I'm proud to be what I am because ALONE I've conquered things I could never dream of when I was married to the abusive, racist tyrant in my past who I was so definitely not attached to and had no problem trying to put in jail regularly, but he works in law enforcement and always got out. I wouldve loved to be alone, he wouldnt leave me alone.

My ex boyfriend, I loved him for his support, motivating me to continue my education, because hes much like me, I may not be able to work right now but the human mind can hold so much knowledge, keep learning and loving it, so I did until we split only because I felt lost without the fun ways he motivated me, it was about me, not him. I miss our conversations, everything from video games to family, philosophy, theology; he always thinks hes "stupid" but if you get him on the right topic you can find a highly intelligent man, i miss waking beside him because his body is the physical manifestation of everything you cannot see that makes him him. And his love for the things I love taking me to places I can utilize my skills and passion. I even loved him explaining his job to me because I dont know much about some forms of engineering. He'd send me pics and I wasnt upset when they werent od him, but visual aids of job explanations. He empowered me with more knowledge. We had a great thing.

I was looking for suggestions on letting go of someone I love, not to be belittled by someone who knows neither one of us or the entire backstory. I wrote the little I did to show why I think at this point theres nothing more to hope for.

I'd suggest not throwing such words at people until your minimally credentialed to do so and have had a few good hour long couples sessions making you qualified under the APA, AMA to judge anyone.

[rach1402 in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry I offended you, that was not my intention. I was merely going off what little information you posted that's why I said 'it sounds to me like'. All we can do on this forum is utilise what little information we get and try to support and advise people when it is asked for, which it was in this case.

How you get over it and move on is a very personal matter to the individual but with the limited information you provided and the general feel I got from your post I got the impression that he had abused you and you were at risk of further abuse, therefore I genuinely thought I was giving you good advice when I recommend cutting him out of your life. That's a pretty impressive list of credentials but when we post questions, thoughts and pleas for help on here it levels the playing field. If people had all the answers they wouldn't be asking strangers, albeit well meaning ones, for support and advice.

We all have our issues here and look to each other when we need guidance, none of us are more superior than others, if you put it out there you will get all kinds of responses from different people with different lives, experiences and opinions. Some of them you will agree with and might want to put into practice, others you won't but for the most part people who take the time to read your posts and care enough about a stranger in need to think about it and try their best to help. You don't have to agree with every response but you can just disregard any advice you don't like, there's no need to be rude. You will probably find that people will be more likely to want to try to help you if you treat people with respect or just turn the other cheek if you don't like their advice.

In my defence, as you have said yourself, I'm not the first person to suspect your ex boyfriend is a narcissist so it must be an easy mistake to make. I have been the victim of narcissistic abuse at the hands of my own mother so when I think someone is at risk I want to save them from further torture, as it's pretty much impossible to recover from completely. I cut her out of my life years ago and she tried to use my family to get to me. When that didn't work she turned them all against me so now I have no support. I too have a disabled child and I know it's not easy so that's why we should all try to help each other, that's the point of this forum.

Unfortunately I'm unable to undergo any of your recommended training as I don't live in America, I'm British, but anyone is allowed to reply to posts provided they follow the rules and an opinion is just that, it's not an ultimate truth.

Once again I would like to apologise most sincerely for having upset you and I wish you all the best in working through your issues.

[Hidden in reply to rach1402]

Rach, don’t beat yourself up over this post. She wrote the story & we can only go off of what someone tells us. You did the best you could & your message wasn’t mean at all. We are all here to love & support each other. I think you succeeded in doing that. <3

[rach1402 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I'm glad I didn't come across as judgemental to everyone. I didn't think it was that bad until admin gave me a ticking off, I thought she was just very emotional but apparently I was out of line. I'm sorry to anybody else I offended. I was going for empowerment but failed.

[Hidden]

Most of what you are saying is true, whatever past or credentials I have are irrelevant when I come on here seeking advice and in this exact string I've open mindedly accepted he may not *love* me. It's TRUE, perhaps he does perhaps he doesnt. That I do need to move on - but not abandon. But I also state that he too has psych issues so it is hard to evaluate. My issue with your response was that you are quick to diagnose myself and my ex. Codependence and narcissism are psychiatric symptoms/diagnoses and should come from ones therapist. Because, yes, I posted once about issues with him before and others thought it appropriate to throw such diagnoses out there and make me feel like garbage for loving this man who not only never laid a finger on me, but went through hell with me during a miscarriage and multiple boughts of depression. He is the only man in my life to never abuse me. When I spoke to my psychologist about that post and the response it set my therapy back weeks and only reopened more wounds. Some words are really harsh and inappropriate. Such as I'm sorry my having a religion is inappropriate and I've deleted, it was huge for AA I did not know it was not allowed here as others have suggested many times seeking help from the church - my bad and corrected. I wrote the post as acknowledgement it's time to make steps forward in my life and asking the best ways to start initiating the changes. I wasnt looking for ex bashing or judgments on my own mental health.

[rach1402]

Please believe me when I say I was not judging you or trying to diagnose you, I honestly thought I was doing the right thing in encouraging you to move on. I know I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything, I just got the impression that you felt lost and I was trying to point you in what I thought was the right direction but I know now that I was wrong and I'm truly sorry. I think I needed someone to tell me that about my mother long before I figured it out. I didn't realise she was narcissistically abusing me at the time because they get away with it by making you feel like it's your fault. It was my daughter who realised and told me what was happening and what I needed to do to break free, for that I will be eternally grateful to her for saving me from more suffering. Maybe because of my own experience I am oversensitive to the signs and jumped to the wrong conclusion but I can assure you I was trying to help, not make things worse.

You don't have to apologise to anybody for your faith, it's a source of comfort and practical help for many people and I'm glad you've got a positive, constant safety net there when you need it. I don't find people's religions offensive in the least, in fact I often wish I could get into that. I had no intention of reporting you. It certainly wasn't my intention to make you feel like garbage and I'm sure nobody else wanted to either.

I feel awful for setting you back in your recovery. I genuinely thought that by offering you that advice I would be helping you to make steps forward, that was my only motivation.

I understand if you can't forgive me for upsetting you but please accept my sincere apologies for offending you. I wish nothing but good things for you.

[Hidden in reply to rach1402]

You were just trying to help rach.

[rach1402 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I don't think I would have taken it so hard if admin hadn't told me there was more than just one complaint. To anybody reading this who has been offended I am very sorry, that was not what I intended.

[Hidden in reply to rach1402]

You have said that several times. At this point that is all you can do. Try to let it go if you can. Sometimes I think we mis-interpret some things with one another when we are posting. Kinda like texting. It’s hard to feel the intention and emotion behind what someone is writing. If you were talking it would be different. I think I have taken things wrong too at times. Many of us are vulnerable anyway in the situations we are in so it is easy to be hurt by what we think is criticism.

[rach1402 in reply to Hidden]

You're absolutely right, I'll try to remember that from now on and I'll try to move on from this now but easier said than done when I don't know who else I've offended and I've got anxiety! It's so true how we can misinterpret what others mean when we're not face to face, I once read when I was researching autism that only 5 per cent of communication is the words we use and the other 95 per cent is non verbal, it's hardly surprising we misunderstand each other, especially with our issues! Thanks for your reply x

[Hidden in reply to rach1402]

I completely understand. One time I even misunderstood a text from my own son and I know him well!! I know it’s easier said than done. I’m really sensitive too so I get it. I can almost feel your anxiety from this and that’s why I’m reaching out. I hope you feel calmer soon.

[rach1402 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I do feel better having read some nice messages from you and others x

[Hidden in reply to rach1402]

Good. Deep breaths. ♥️♥️♥️

[AczLjs]

The first and most important thing you need to focus on is yourself. Find a way to love yourself and be happy with yourself. We should never rely on other people to make us happy, because that's how we end up in situations like these. I've been there myself. I relied on being in relationships to make me feel important and I let people treat me horribly because I wasn't happy with myself, so I didn't know what I deserved. A few months ago, I started practicing yoga and meditation as I was suffering from severe anxiety and depression and I wanted to take control back. I am so happy I made that choice. Since then, I've found inner peace and acceptance. I found the importance of taking care of yourself first. Once you find a way to connect with yourself and love yourself, that love and happiness spills over into every relationship and aspect of your life and things get much better. You just have to find a way to rewire your brain to think about things differently, in a more positive way. Try yoga, meditation, or anything you think will help you get in touch with your own self. Dont worry about your ex. You will never have a happy relationship with anyone until you are happy and love yourself first. I wish you nothing but luck ❤