My crazy life

I have been hurt a lot in my life. I feel so alone all the time. My boyfriend just told me recently that he has been cheated on me for the past 5 years. This the second time this has happened to me. I feel like I'm very worthless, I feel so ugly and stupid. I'm still with him because it's hard to leave someone who I am so deep in love with. I feel like my happy ever after will never come. I guess I was put on this earth to hear. I'm that person people come to when there sad or need help, but when I need it there is no one to be found. I just want to be loved and respected, I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm on pills, there the only reason why I put on a fake smile.

6 Replies

  • I'm so sorry that your BF has cheated on you. That's so wrong of him in so many ways. I know that's got to hurt much.

    You say you're on pills, but for what? And how do they cause you to put on a fake smile? If they were working wouldn't you have a real smile on? Maybe you need to have a talk with the doctor who's prescribing them. Let him or her know that they aren't working. This is always what you should do...keep the doctor informed. Just call the office and leave a message for the doctor.

    I know you aren't ugly or stupid and you certainly aren't worthless. But maybe you've forgotten? If your BF has cheated on you and you want respect, you've got to respect yourself and leave him. He has shown he doesn't respect you. If you stay with him, you don't respect yourself so he doesn't respect you. Does this make sense to you? People take their cue from you. However you feel about you is how they will act toward you. If you show yourself no respect, then it's likely they will do the same.

    Often people check out on us when we need help. Maybe especially if they see us at good at giving advice. Maybe they think of you as having good answers and therefore you will have good answers for yourself and not need anybody else's advice or help. What if you specifically ask someone by name to come sit with you somewhere safe and quiet and directly ask a question that you know will help you out? This will make it hard for them to dodge helping you.

    You very much need a good counselor to help you understand what respecting yourself looks like in real life. You also need help with putting on a fake smile and coping with depression and probably some anxiety simply because depression and anxiety are almost always seen together. A counselor will be able to guide you regarding your relationships with other people and boyfriends and how to get and keep the respect of boyfriends and girlfriends and so much more. Why not get started as soon as possible? You can see pictures of counselors on the site of Psychology Today plus their specialties, education, philosophies, costs, insurance accepted, and more. You really need to get started and have someone in your corner asap.

    I'm in your corner. Ask me anything and I'll try to get you an answer. I'll be here if you need to vent. I want to hear that you are feeling better but I'm still caring about you even if you aren't better.

  • I'm on Zoloft and wellburtan. I have been taking them for a month. Your right I need to start loving and respecting myself. I have let a lot of people disrespect me. I'm done with it, I need to get back on my feet. I have to kids that need me.

  • I totally agree with you about the kids. You have to stand tall because of the kids. Despite how you feel about yourself, the kids are too important and there are no "do overs". You haven't been on your drugs a full 6 weeks so that can be why they haven't fully worked for you. It's only fair to wait 2 more weeks before reporting that they aren't working well enough.

    I remember how sometimes I would stand up for my kids' needs at school and I might not have felt like it and I wouldn't have done anything maybe if it was for me alone, but I did what I had to do because it was for my kid's sakes. And it's amazing how I did and acted "as if" I felt confident and I acted "as if" this or that and it worked! I did act just as I intended even if I didn't really feel as confident inside as I wanted to.

  • Oh boy. I am so sorry you are going through this. This sounds like me 20 years ago. This screams of classic codependency. I seriously doubt you love a man that is so disrespectful,abusive, demeaning, untrustworthy, & on & on. I imagine you tell & eventually somewhere along the way convinced yourself you loved him to be able to tolerate this very unhealthy, situation. Disrespecting, cheating, is a form of abuse , just not physically.How do you feel love for someone who openly has no regard for you in the way of cheating on you & then telling you, how do you rationalize that, am just curious, you have to know deep within you are worth so much more. I hope you truly know you are so much better than your current situation. I imagine continuing to stay would make you feel all kinds of negative things about yourself. You more than likely learned this from your own mom , as I did. You have low self esteem am sure you are a wonderful person but have allowed others to control you & navigate your life for you that it continues to create a feeling of helplessness & self loathing. I strongly suspect deep down you don't love this guy, in fact probably to the contrary. You are scared to be alone & figure something is better than nothing. You will find out later when you get much stronger you don't need anyone to complete you, or make you happy, you are quite capable of all that on your own, sadly somewhere along the way you lost that belief in yourself or altogether were never taught your value. Healing starts when you exit this dysfunctional situation.What you are doing is creating more depression, not to mention wasting your time with someone who clearly showed you they're not concerned for you. Please get some therapy, see a psychiatrist , if you're not already.You sound very depressed & this situation is definitely exacerbating your low self esteem. You may want to check out books on codependency, women's crisis lines, shelters, family service agencies, county mental health centers, there is help out there. The only help you will get is when you remove yourself from this unhealthy, hurtful, dysfunctional, codependent situation. You will need lots of therapy & to unlearn a lot of things you may think are normal but clearly aren't it's not going to be easy but in order for your life to start & you to truly experience true freedom & happiness you need to remove yourself from someone who has shown you 2 times that you know of, they are clearly only thinking of their own needs. True love isn't deceitful or hurtful . Best of luck to you

  • I agree with the kids but as a mother the damage that will be done to the kids in the long term will be something years from now you will deeply regret. I am all for kids needing a dad, too. I am from a broken home no dad since 2 ,it caused it's own problems. But as a mom of 2 who didn't repeat my mother's mistakes, I can tell you I got lucky,!because I refused to allow an abusive, dysfunctional man around my kids. It is hard & I feel very bad for you I'm a mom, I get it, but our kids need to come first, living in an unhealthy environment isn't good for them, they are innocent in all of this, you chose him, they didn't, it is their dad they know nothing else, of course they love him, still doesn't make the behavior right or acceptable. You are their mom, their protector. They look to you to keep them safe & happy when you are sad & stressed it affects them too.Best to you.

  • Thank you so much for your advice. It helped with dealing with my situation

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