I'm wasting my life away

[localcatlady09]

Hi everyone, This is my first post ever, my name is Laura . I've been extremely reluctant to talk to anyone else besides my immediate family and my therapist about my depression and anxiety. I feel ashamed talking about my problems to others because there are people going through worse and still able to get up each day and be functioning members of society. Meanwhile I'm struggling with simply showering regularly.

I feel like everything lately is a huge chore and I hate chores. Reaching out to people. taking part in fake conversations and pretending everything's all good and dandy just isn't something I feel like doing. Sometimes I don't even feel like speaking, thats how little energy I have. Waking up everyday for work is a nighmare. I work for a relatives company and this relative happens to know about my mental illness. Everyday I show up later and later. Start time is 9am but more often than not I'll be there by 10:30-11 am. I know its shitty and I shouldn;t but its just so hard for me. I feel a magnetic pull towards my bed. I get home from work around 5:30 and I go straight to my bed. I don't feel like doing anything other than scrolling on tiktok for hours or reading on my kindle. I have so many other things I should be doing but I just can;t be bothered to do any of those things.

Ironically, I want to become a therapist and I'm going back to school to take the clinical psychology route. I had something traumatic happen to me when I was a child and long story short I want to help others who are in the same position. I want to be the support system I felt I never had growing up.

I'm currently on 300 mg of Wellbutrin XL and 20mg of Celexa, the generic version of both. At first, I felt like my emotional issues had been fixed. I stopped crying so much, I wasn't as angry with my family anymore, and overall my ruminating thoughts went from being extremely loud to a dull very faint whisper. However, as I progressed my pcp had to lower my dosage of celexa and increase wellbutrin because I was so damn groggy in the mornings. I just felt like a complete zombie.

I have a therapist through and outside referral from Kaiser because being seen once a month by someone who would give me homework and then forget she gave it to me, just wasn't working for me. I would be doing well and then completely plummet by next session so now having someone who I see weekly helps. But, I feel myself slipping under again.

As embarassing as this is to admit, I'm struggling with my hygiene, my room is a mess, bathroom is a mess, laundry piles up, even my car is messy. I don't care about much anymore, I feel like I'm trapped in the movie happy Death Day where every day is the same. I did get in to school to start on my Psych degree but that starts in august. My work mostly consists working from home and I feel trapped like I'm in a box. I don't really leave during the day so I'm always home and on weekends I don't feel like interacting with others. My energy isn't there. I know what I have to do to get better and become a responsible adult but I just feel like I can't. Like I'm physically being held down.

I don't know if this makes sense, I know I rambled but does anyone else relate? Am I just a lazy piece of garbage who's using their illness as a crutch?

[Roxylox]

I can relate. I'm 57 so much older than you. I don't feel lime doing much of anything these days either.A shower is also a major effort. E very chore is a mountain, and l can only bring myself to do a little each day.I would love a quick fix to feeling like this, it really sucks!. I wish you well in your studies.

[Hidden]

There is a test called the PHQ-9

It is the standard depression test and can be done online. If you do it you’ll likely see that you have moderate or even severe depression and Celexa is not a heavy hitter drug. You really should ask about upgrading it.

Also consider TMS treatments if possible. You might notice a world of difference after that.

[BreButterfly]

I relate completely. I too am on wellbutrin and buspirone. I had the welbutrin XL and it made me too jittery. Idk about you but even with medication regimen, I still have moments just like yours like where I feel stuck. Like i know what I need to or should do but I feel defeated and depleted all the time. Even when I do try to spruce up like everything is still a mess. I have animals too so you can imagine . It’s like anything self care related is a chore for me . I don’t want to continue to live like this, but I feel like i have no motivation or real support sometimes ya know. Its like i wish someone could physically help me or drill it in to me to give me a push to go . I know we should self motivate , but what if its not within myself to give? I feel like a complete shell of myself at times . So Catlady, you are not alone.

[BrahmNm]

I can't write much.But I felt that somebody have written my feeling and gave its way by expressing. I hope we will definetly come out with divine strength and more understanding of life.But we are paying now through suffering ,in addition if we try to be calm enough inside in spite of this suffering, try to understand meaning and attemt to listen voice of soul we will sure come out with strength which will be divine.I know it's not easy but also not out of our reach. Love and hug to you

[BrahmNm in reply to BrahmNm]

I read your complete post after my above reply. As refering your age what I suggested is seem heavy dose suggestion.But you can try to take away some thing. And other reader will also get different view points at our suffering. Thanks for reading.

[catsrock]

You are not lazy. You are struggling with a mental illness and it makes everything harder. Like others have said, I'm wondering if you need different meds. Whatever you decide to do, I hope things are better soon.

[scottbomb]

Wow, sounds like me! I'm a 50-year-old man. Looking at my circumstances, I should be on top of the world. At the same time, I just want off this damned merry-go-round! I know what you mean about shame. I study the holocaust and try to put myself in the victims' place (a depressing exercise in and of itself) and I think damn, any one of those people would have traded their problems for mine. What have I got to bitch about? Just my brain always telling me I'm a failure.

[Midori]

Hi there and welcome to the community. We are a caring bunch here, and to help us avoid trolls, can I ask you to lock your posts to the community. There is a Lock icon which appears with the new thread and is easy to press.

It helps to keep out the trolls and stops your posts getting too far out into the Internet. It also helps you get more replies as some of us are wary of unlocked posts.

Cheers, Midori

[lannyh]

First of all you are NOT a lazy piece of garbage! That is the depression talking and I've been there. Stayed in bed for weeks- months. Don't give up! It DOES get better. The right therapist helped me a lot plus I take Zoloft and Geodon, which is a mood stabilizer and that combination seems to work for me.

[Nothing_but_books]

I love your screen name! Eeyore's my favorite guy.

I have to write down those accomplishments you mentioned, just to get any momentum.

One of my favorite scenes:

youtube.com/watch?v=DazUImB...(Not working as expected?)

[Nothing_but_books]

I don't know about the mental illness part; the Pooh books still bring me joy.

Pooh - silly old bear

Piglet - best friend to go through trials with (Heffalump)

Rabbit - let's get down to business here

Owl - a little too focused on the brains (um, uh, well, maybe)

Kanga - safe

Tigger - unrestrained joy

Eeyore - I hate to admit it; me

Christopher Robin - childhood innocence

Tigger, Piglet, Pooh, Eeyore - E H Shepard illustration

[Starrlight]

I can relate to you and I wish you well. I have dreams and things I make myself do but it’s all difficult, I try just being me but I still need to find myself and learn to like being who I am.

[optimismrus]

You are not a lazy piece of garbage. I feel exactly the same as you some days. I marvel at my ability to go a week without showering. I'm 74 and you'd think I'd give myself a break, but instead I punish myself the way you are punishing yourself. This group helps me so much, because I know I'm not alone. I'm glad you vented, thank you. And, I would just say, as soon as you can, find some affirmations that you can use to replace the negative self talk. Love yourself first. It's kind of like when they say on the airline, "place the mask over your self first before you help .another". You've got a great goal - good luck with it! 🥰