Hi everyone, This is my first post ever, my name is Laura . I've been extremely reluctant to talk to anyone else besides my immediate family and my therapist about my depression and anxiety. I feel ashamed talking about my problems to others because there are people going through worse and still able to get up each day and be functioning members of society. Meanwhile I'm struggling with simply showering regularly.
I feel like everything lately is a huge chore and I hate chores. Reaching out to people. taking part in fake conversations and pretending everything's all good and dandy just isn't something I feel like doing. Sometimes I don't even feel like speaking, thats how little energy I have. Waking up everyday for work is a nighmare. I work for a relatives company and this relative happens to know about my mental illness. Everyday I show up later and later. Start time is 9am but more often than not I'll be there by 10:30-11 am. I know its shitty and I shouldn;t but its just so hard for me. I feel a magnetic pull towards my bed. I get home from work around 5:30 and I go straight to my bed. I don't feel like doing anything other than scrolling on tiktok for hours or reading on my kindle. I have so many other things I should be doing but I just can;t be bothered to do any of those things.
Ironically, I want to become a therapist and I'm going back to school to take the clinical psychology route. I had something traumatic happen to me when I was a child and long story short I want to help others who are in the same position. I want to be the support system I felt I never had growing up.
I'm currently on 300 mg of Wellbutrin XL and 20mg of Celexa, the generic version of both. At first, I felt like my emotional issues had been fixed. I stopped crying so much, I wasn't as angry with my family anymore, and overall my ruminating thoughts went from being extremely loud to a dull very faint whisper. However, as I progressed my pcp had to lower my dosage of celexa and increase wellbutrin because I was so damn groggy in the mornings. I just felt like a complete zombie.
I have a therapist through and outside referral from Kaiser because being seen once a month by someone who would give me homework and then forget she gave it to me, just wasn't working for me. I would be doing well and then completely plummet by next session so now having someone who I see weekly helps. But, I feel myself slipping under again.
As embarassing as this is to admit, I'm struggling with my hygiene, my room is a mess, bathroom is a mess, laundry piles up, even my car is messy. I don't care about much anymore, I feel like I'm trapped in the movie happy Death Day where every day is the same. I did get in to school to start on my Psych degree but that starts in august. My work mostly consists working from home and I feel trapped like I'm in a box. I don't really leave during the day so I'm always home and on weekends I don't feel like interacting with others. My energy isn't there. I know what I have to do to get better and become a responsible adult but I just feel like I can't. Like I'm physically being held down.
I don't know if this makes sense, I know I rambled but does anyone else relate? Am I just a lazy piece of garbage who's using their illness as a crutch?