Overwhelmed with life...

[Heavyboulder81]

I'm having one of those days where I'm just overwhelmed with life. Trying to balance work, family and self care is crashing in on me. My 3 kids are requiring a lot of me...all with different needs. My oldest is preparing for college and needs my help (and obviously I WANT to help her plan her future), my youngest has developmental delays...no official diagnosis yet, receiving county services and I'm trying so hard to learn all I can to help him grow, and my middle child is starving for attention... and I work full time. My husband has been incredibly busy with his job and has been working 60-70 hours a week, leaving no time for himself, let alone US. I feel like I have no one to talk to about how much im struggling. I don't want to bother my husband...I don't want to dump more on his plate. I don't really have friends to open up to. And I don't like for my family to know that many details. I'm just trying so hard to keep everyone happy and healthy, and I'm dying inside.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. And this is a recurring, suffocating feeling that has been rearing its ugly head quite frequently lately. I need a break so bad. We are actively trying to better our situation. We will likely sell our house and downsize, allowing us to pay off debt and live more within our means. But that's not good enough for me. I need a break NOW. I feel like if I don't get A break, I will break. 😔

[EleanorRose]

This does all sound very overwhelming and you’re right - you are only one person and you can’t do it all. It’s understandable that you don’t want to feel like you’re dumping more on your husband’s plate but I do think telling him how you’re feeling could help. You feel on the verge of breakdown and if that were to happen your husband would find out anyway and I am sure he’d much rather know now, before it happens. You don’t have to do this alone.

Is there a family member who might be able to lighten the load? You don’t need to tell them everything but perhaps there are some things they could do to help you out?

It sounds like there are big things going on for all of you at the moment and life is quite tricky but you shouldn’t feel like you have to take everything on yourself. I am sure you wouldn’t knowingly allow a friend or family member to be in the situation you are in, feeling how you feel. Think about the advice you might give them and treat yourself with the same kindness. You are doing your best and that is all anyone can do.

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to EleanorRose]

Thank you EleanorRose. ❤ BTW, I love your name, it's beautiful! I appreciate your advice and taking the time to read and respond.

I know in my heart of hearts, no one that loves me would want me to be suffering alone and I can almost hear their voices saying "why didn't you speak up sooner?" My husband does know that I struggle but he doesn't even know the half, because I feel like a burden when I release my feelings. He and I have had numerous arguments over the years because I don't think he truly understands my mental disease. Although he is my best friend, we are complete opposites with some things. And I really don't feel like now is the time to tell him how bad I'm feeling because he is so overwhelmed at work right now. It's not fair of me. My mom and step-dad are the only family that live near-by, and they're still a 45 min drive away. My mom watches my youngest kids while I work once a week (and then I work every weekend). My step-dad is receiving therapy for lung cancer, so I feel incredibly guilty asking them to help me to take a break...that seems so silly compared to cancer, do you know what I mean? I have 1 sister who lives about 2 hours away and has been a tremendous help with our family recently so that my husband can work all of these overtime hours and I can keep working my weekends. My husband's family is not very involved in our lives.

I know our situation will not last forever. It's not permanent. I keep telling myself that and I believe it's what's getting me through my daily life. I think the "instant gratification" that's at the core of my character is making it harder to suck it up and keep going. 😕

[EleanorRose in reply to Heavyboulder81]

This, which you wrote, is exactly the reason you should speak up.

"I know in my heart of hearts, no one that loves me would want me to be suffering alone and I can almost hear their voices saying "why didn't you speak up sooner?" "

I totally understand that feeling of worrying you are being a burden or not important enough for help - I think so many of us are unfortunately programmed to think everyone else's needs are more important than our own. I've very much been in the situation of feeling like that, however, I have also been the person on the 'other side' and the best friend of someone struggling.

Speaking from that point of view, I know if I were someone close to you, I'd want nothing more than for you to tell me. My best friend and I are very close, I often look after her kids to give her a break, we speak about 'everything' but she then reached rock bottom without saying anything because she thought I'd worry. It was devastating, both to think of her feeling like that and also to know she hadn't been able to open up to me. Of course, she has done since and I have been trying my very best to support her as I know she would me.

You ARE as important as everyone around you and as you have said yourself there ARE people who care enough not to see you suffer like this.

Your situation won't last forever and you will come through this but wanting a break right now is also completely justified. Please try and find a way to have some time to yourself. You shouldn't, nor do you have to, face this alone … find someone in your life you can talk to or talk to us on here, but don't go though this by yourself. You are doing a brilliant job for your family and those around you but now you need to treat yourself with the same compassion.

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to EleanorRose]

I appreciate you opening my eyes a little wider. I agree, I would be crushed knowing that someone I loved was having a hard time and not asking for help. Thank you for helping me to look at it from another angle. And thank you for your kind words!

[Hollick in reply to Heavyboulder81]

'this too shall pass' heavy..in essence, that's what we're saying...I love that mantra becuz its so true to life, and yes, gets me thru the day, especially the darker ones...

[rothko]

You are a superwoman for going through all of this! I completely understand not wanting to burden your husband. I’m in a very similar position of feeling so overwhelmed and not wanting to share with my partner as I know he is very busy and I also don’t want to stress him out. He’s the one person I feel like I could be open with (all my other friends would freak out or maybe they’re not close enough at all).

I think it feels like there is too much to do in a day, but I find if I can just carve out one hour or even ten minutes or five minutes to do something that can help me focus on something else- it makes a huge difference. Whether it’s a walk, or buying yourself a cupcake, or watching a funny clip online, anything. It might not be a long enough “break” but could provide some relief. Sometimes when I get into these despondent and overwhelming spells I think it’s important to reset the mind because you can bury yourself so deep in the breakdown that it is harder to pull yourself out.

The fact that you are thinking about how to better your situation means you are an amazing parent and wife. It is so hard to be perfect and it seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself! I hope you recognize that you seem like a wonder woman to an outsider!

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to rothko]

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! And I have to let you know, you've given me a new perspective -- even if it's a small chunk of time, I can give myself a short break to catch my breath. I just have to look at it that way. I really tried hard to focus today on those little blocks of time for me to just focus on something other than all of the stress. I took an extra 5 minutes in the shower to just let the hot water relax my body. And I got up before my kids and drank my coffee alone. It helped! I'm really going to work on these little things to keep from drowning.

I also agree with needing to reset the mind. It can definitely spiral so deep and it's so hard to dig back out if you don't catch it.

Thank you for being so kind! And thank you for helping me and being supportive!! You have no idea how much I need it.

[pink83737]

Wow, sorry you’re going through such a difficult time hoping things will get better for you! Praying

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to pink83737]

Thank you! Prayers are always appreciated!!

[Grateful17]

I can imagine your days. I lived it too. Please give yourself the freedom to go on a walk each day. If you don’t live in the Midwest like me and suffer with the cold, please go outside with no headphones and no cell phone and walk and wLk until you feel tired. Go back inside and you will be rejuvenated even after a day at work. After the alone time and peace, go give those remaining hours to your family and enjoy them. Remember this crazy thought- try to relish the moments of being with them.

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to Grateful17]

Thank you for the suggestion! The weather where I am is currently cold and snowy...certainly does not help the low mood. Hoping for an early Spring! I do believe the fresh air would do wonders. The struggle would be to find that much alone time.

[hkraus]

You can't do it all, seriously. I was hospitalized because I tried doing it all and I highly unrecommend doing that.

Family member, neighbor, someone at church? Time to call in the favors if you have anyone who can help you. Make sure you are getting your sleep. Can you take a hiatus from work until you move? Do you have any FMLA time?

[Hidden]

I can relate. I am a working mom with an unemployed husband for two years living at his moms with my daughter. My son is a Marine so that is stressful and my daughter misses him so much. We go years without seeing him I am so exhausted trying to raise my daughter and work fulltime while trying to help my severely depressed husband. His father just died so mil is a mess too. His brother is divorcing so we are all one big mess. I am the one keeping everyone together but they don't know how bad I struggle each day.

I need a break too but there is none. We have to keep going and try to find someone to lean on. For me, it is these people here.

Hang in there and come here often

There is good advice and caring people here to talk to around the clock.