Somebody would maybe say it's postnatal depression(had a baby 4 months ago)but I don't know because I honestly can't remember in my life where I felt"normal"for two days in a row. It seems it's always been Monday-good, Tuesday-bad, Wednesday-good etc. Hormone birth control made me more emotional, I'm quitting it. I don't want antidepressants and I'm getting ready to go to first therapy app but have no clue what to say why I came to therapy or what's the problem.
At the moment husband and I are struggling with infidelity issues and after discovery we left everything in the air, which as you may assume wasn't really what I wanted. So that's the first thing, second are my suicidal feelings. If there weren't for my son, I would possibly make an attempt by now, but those thoughts are not as new. And lastly I'm scared I might become agressive toward my son in those irritable moments. I don't want to hurt him, yell at him or slap him(I haven't)but it seems I can't control my anger and I feel like I shouldn't be angry at all at him, especially since he's a baby. It all feels too much at once and I have a huge feeling of inadequacy.
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Satorye
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Maybe you should read what you wrote and think about the writer's words "I don't want antidepressants". I can't help but wonder if maybe, just MAYBE what this writer wants or doesn't want isn't significant compared to the damage this writer can do to a defenseless newborn if she doesn't get some needed medication very, very fast.
There are too many unknowns about your mental health right now and your newborn is totally at your mercy and dependent on you providing everything needed for a safe and secure life every minute of his day. You've said you're afraid you might become aggressive toward your son and it seems you can't control your anger. Those are 2 statements that are huge red flags.
You must get to a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist right away. I realize you may need to see a GP or internist to get seen right away. Okay, do it but make an appointment asap for the psychiatrist and a counselor. Look at the website Psychology Today for both a psychiatrist and a counselor and look at philosophies, education, specialties, charges and more. Ask around for recommendations. Most doctors keep lists of recommendations of specialists for their patients to go to.
If you get into trouble at any time, call this hotline where counselors are at the other end: 1.800.273.8255 and 1.800.784.2433.
This is a suicide hotline but call for any reason such as if you're afraid you're too angry to handle your son because these people are professionals and can talk with you about your anger. DO NOT pick up your son if you are afraid of your anger. Walk away from him and call for help. You are right that you shouldn't be angry with him at any time. He is never responsible for your anger. Never. He's a baby and has NO responsibility for your anger even if he's crying and won't stop.
Crying is his only method of communication. He's supposed to cry to tell you he needs something. Even if you can't provide that something it's his job to call for you by crying. Your job is to get someone who can help him without being angry. Can you do that? Do you understand? Someone who can help him WITH OUT BEING ANGRY. There must be no anger.
You will need help with your son so who will be helping you? Get people lined up who ca be available as much as possible around the clock. People who you can call when you can't take care of your son without anger and exhaustion. Because it's very hard to care for a new baby without being exhausted and getting angry. Write down who is available on what days and when during the day they can be called or come over to be with you. Please take this seriously and do it. You will enjoy your son so much more this way! ;o)
Our families both live in different countries so it is hard to ask for help but I've just sent a message to my sister and mum if they'd be willing to fly here and stay as much as they can(month or so probably; my mum is looking for a job and my sister comes home from her ship every 4 months). My relatives are still closer than my husband's...in few days I already have an app with GP for referral.
I am not thinking of harming my baby but out of tiredness I get frustrated because I can't calm him down at that moment or I'm feeling so exhausted and I need to play with him and entertain him until he falls asleep, otherwise he will become bored and cry. I'm aware he's not"to blame", I just don't know how to deal with frustration and don't want it to manifest in anger because I know it isn't right but I also don't know what to do every time. I'm not acting agressive but sometimes I feel like it is overwhelming and that it was just luck that I managed to cope up all these times.
I also know these aren't my will-full emotions. I am not like this but I am not"myself"in so many other ways that I can't seem to trust myself 100%. My tiredness and anxiety overcome most of the time and I don't do things that I should. I can't find the energy to go out as much(once or twice a week to store or for his apps)or to play with him more or to keep the house in order or to eat properly. I developed tension headaches and I live day by day just keeping him and eating and resting when I can to keep my sanity. There is literally no time for anything else for almost 4 months already.
The reason I said I don't want antidepressants is because I feel those are for clinical cases and often antidepressants make things worse or don't work.
Yes, I do understand. You wouldn't harm your son intentionally but you are aware that it could happen unintentionally and that's just smart to see a potential problem ahead of time. Dealing with not feeling yourself and with a young baby are 2 very demanding and difficult jobs. I'm so glad you're trying to get some family in to help. It's very traditional to do that because it is so hard to do what you're doing.
I actually did give one of my sons a light slap on his chest in frustration with his constant crying and in my exhausted state. I'm not proud of it but I'm admitting it to you to show I do understand being sleep deprived and doing something highly abnormal for me. This happens when you are at the end of what you can endure. And young babies push you to that end.
I don't think it's a good idea to assume that antidepressants aren't going to work in you and that you don't need them because you aren't a clinical case. Let a psychiatrist decide what kind of case you are or let the both of you discuss it together. There are so many kinds of drugs now there may be a mood stabilizer or something entirely different you can discuss that makes the most sense. Or maybe just getting help in so you can get adequate rest will be the best answer. Rest and maybe some counseling. You decide. I wish you the best of health and well being for your whole family.
Thank you for your kind words, everything you wrote stands.
I often heard bad experiences with antidepressants so I just feel like I can't afford worsening of my state next to my baby. I'm hoping for therapy and getting more time to rest to help me but also open for, as you said, some suggested medication that aren't too risky, if things don't progress in reasonable time.
I also wish you the best, along with good health (:
Let me counteract all the negative reports of drugs you have heard. The very 1st antidepressant I was put on worked for me for 14 years until I was moved to another one. 14 years of happiness and normal function raising 3 sons and working with no problems even when I was transferred to another similar drug. I think people don't have a reason to report all of the successful drugs they try. Why report that??
I agree with BonnieSue. When things are going well people don't find the need to share that information. There are many more people who benefit greatly from antidepressants than not. Modern day medications are much better than in the past. Everyone is different so response will vary. Seeing a psychopharmacologist, a psychiatrist who specializes in prescribing psychiatric meds, was helpful to me. She met with me and was able to evaluate which meds might work best. There are far more successful results than not. Don't rule any option out while you feel so terrible right now.
That's great you have appt with GP for referral to therapist. Ensure it's a professional who can prescribe medications. Sometimes meds are needed to get your through a "rough" patch. The person would closely monitor you to titrate and help determine what's working best. You are doing the right thing by getting help. Since you don't have family nearby speak with the doctor or Gyn for any support groups that might be available. Also, you might qualify for home nursing services, having someone check in on you and baby at home to assure things are going well. Don't be embarrassed, this happens to a lot of people.
I suspect you have had depression for years but the birth of your child and the fluctuation of hormones just exacerbated a condition with which you were once able to cope.
You can do this! Best wishes!
PS....I also understand your infidelity issues. A similar topic was uncovered when my daughter was 1 and son 3. It does tend to muddy the waters! Take care of you first!!!
Antidepressants help me so much- the best I can tell you is give them a try if your therapist tells you to do so. I take the smallest dose possible and use a pill cutter to do this, and even that tiny amount makes a world of difference
Hello - I would definitely go through with your appt. keep in contact with your GP too.
As regards to the antidepressants - I would not write them off. You talk of how your moods are variable and if it wasn't for your son you may harm yourself. This is a red flag. I would have the therapy and seriously think about medication. I didn't want to take medication but my life is so much better with it than without. My experience is my anxiety came to a head one Thursday afternoon and I thought to myself "no more of this, I need help". And I accepted I need some medication. I've not found the right medication yet but I'm on the road to recovery.
i struggled with depression and anger after having my ist son. I didnt want to stop breast feeding so i didnt want anyone to to know. It was a dangerous situation for my son, as I look back. Please see a Psychiatrist, therapist or tell your OBGYN how you are feeling. It is much more common than you think and there is help. I agree with Sue, you need to get help immediately and surround yourself with those who will support and give you respite. Take care.
Thanks everyone, I will certainly take recommended medicine in consideration and do my research either way. Unfortunatley my family didn't want to come to help so my husband has to be more available, which he agreed to try. Most of the days he's working from home so it is possible, it will just put more stress on him. We will try and I think with therapy things will start to get better.
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