Feeling a little blue. Plz help

[tinalpn1]

I'm a 46 year old female single. I've lost a son while at work as a nurse. I suffer depression and anxiety attacks. I feel I wasn't there to save him from passing away I did everything including rehabilitation. I am blessed and have another son who currently is 23 but has left home at age 16. I am depressed I'm currently unemployed I left a good job to take care of my parents who are elderly. I feel worthless to my son because I am alone and cannot help him financially as I would give him half of my paycheck idw to see him struggle. I have nobody to talk with. I don't want to burden anybody with my problems. I think all the time as I also have insomnia. I'm lucky to get 3 hours sleep a night. My mind thinks and constantly worry. I don't have the gift of an outgoing personality. I don't know where to turn for help or advice. As when I try and talk with my mom she always digs in the past and puts me down. Yet the night I was at work she did not call 911 to help save my son or even took a minute to reach me at work I would of called 911. It bothers me to this day. I'm not sure of how to keep going in life. It's getting to a point to where I wear my heart on my sleeve and would help anybody. My mom seems to only know me when my brother who is older than me by 6 years isn't around. She puts me down on a daily basis. I have to get on my feet first my son's advice was to move but with my house being paid off I see no interest in paying rent. But at the same time with her living next door she at times doesn't allow men in the house or on her property so I'm feeling down as it is and I'm depressed with nobody to talk with. Any advice? As I can't be like this on a daily basis. I'm a great person and maybe somebody out there I'm praying for any help. I do see a counselor but have low self-esteem and feel as though my mom and brother do not want me in the house yet the family. I'm not sure where to turn. Please help.

[KI-100]

Hi Tina. I am sorry for your loss. You are going through a lot. Despite everything you are going through, try to keep a positive attitude.

Regarding a critical parent, I can relate. You seem to know you are a good person who is deserving of love. Don't let anyone lower your self esteem. You are a great person. Often a person who is critical like that, especially a parent, cannot change easily. You have to let those hurtful comments roll off your back.

[tinalpn1 in reply to KI-100]

I thank you for your kindness and words of support and wisdom. I couldn't be more grateful. I feel my world slipping away until I found this website and the other people who are going thru situations as well. I hope to gain friends and insight. Thank you very much. I've been on here for hours and it has helped. My md put me on xanax and an anti-depressant prior. He is weaning me off xanax but I get anxiety yet and then my blood pressure shoots up. Is there any other medication other than xanax? I've been reading alot on this site and I've read ativan. I'm not sure. Thank you. Hope to remain a friend. Your words touched my heart that there are true caring people. Ty

[KI-100 in reply to tinalpn1]

Thank you Tina for you heartfelt reply.

I took xanax for years and then switched to klonopin. Presently I am not taking medication. Your doctor, with the help of your feedback, will know what medication and dosage is best for you.

[laurakingsurrey]

Sounds like you have a lot going on. Have you seen your doctor? I would write things down for your mum what she said when she put you down how it made you feel and why it isn't helpful especially when you are griefing for your son. You shouldn't be expected to pay your son half of your earnings but get you would like to be earning and I'm sure you will again when the time is right for you and you can be there for your son it other ways I don't receive any money from mum and wouldn't expect her to pay my way as I'm a adult. I hope you can talk to your family and seek help.

[tinalpn1 in reply to laurakingsurrey]

I honestly thank you for your reply. I appreciate it so much. I do see my doctor when my son passed away and he prescribed xanax and an anti-depressant. It was years now I've been on those but now I am being weaned off xanax and my doctor is retiring. I do see a counselor. I'm grateful for your words as my family I don't want to burden with my problems. I need a friend to talk to. Thank you. I'm new to this site but I'm glad I stumbled upon it. I've been on it for hours now. Ty

[MEH1]

Hi Tina, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know and experience some of what you are dealing with. I am 46 my parents are critical of me as well. Then I have a husband who is the same. But there is one person who I talk with all the time and it is God he lead me to this page with people who struggle just like we do but are not judge mental. They have helped me deal with the tough time I am going through right as well as my oldest two children. I will keep you in my prayers as well as the others on here to help us through our disease that makes our lives difficult.

Stay strong and keep your held high.

[plzmybabies]

stay strong and nice to meet you

[Paradise02]

Tina you now start with lifting yourself up by staying positive ; letting go or rubbimg off your sleeve what your parent says to u your strong and not allowing what what they say effect you; write down where u want to start in your new life u want to plan for yourself as u write down things then take each one and complete it and cross it off : be there physically for your other son for advice and a person to talk to- u yourself find someone u would like to see maybe as a friend and start there ; u are starting over starting fresh ; I fully understand what u r going thru I have lost my best friend a year ago my confident the person I turn to when I needed to talk or vent and now I don’t have that; and I am so lost without that person but I try to be positive and think to myself what would she tell me or want me to do when I feel the way I do etc; I struggle everyday with my depression but each day I make a goal just 1 goal and try to accomplish that goal for the week if I can do that then I can get thru my depression and anxiety it’s juet takes a little bit longer

Cindy