Cheated on and Confused

[hrmiller17]

My boyfriend emotionally cheated on my and since I found out I have had horrible anxiety. I don't know wjat to say for to him because he has depression and I don't think he think he did anything wrong. When we initally talked about it, I didn't use the term emotionally cheating. I started talking with a therapist and she said I have to be honest with how I am feeling but it's hard because he has depression. This is stressing me out and I don't know what to do.

[Marquis784]

Does your boyfriend have a therapist? Is he being treated for his depression? Yes, you need to be able to express how you feel about whatever happened. It sounds like there might be a misunderstanding between the two of you regarding what constitutes "cheating" and what "emotional" cheating means to you. For the most part, men don't typically understand the "emotional" part well. I know I'm generalizing. Is it possible to bring your boyfriend to therapy so that you might attempt to explain how you feel in a "safe" environment with support? I know a lot of therapists are happy to provide that support if needed. It does sound like you need a third unbiased professional to assist with "translation" so that things don't continue to get confused. If he doesn't feel he did anything wrong then understandably he might initially feel the need to be defensive. It's helped in the past having a therapist present to get around the defensiveness so he didn't feel I was ganging up on him. The therapist could help represent his viewpoint and reframe things in a way which made more sense to him.

[hrmiller17 in reply to Marquis784]

Yes he has a therapist and he is has been on medication for 3 years now. He doesn't consistently talk to his therapist. I don't think they haven't spoken since the first time he went 3 years ago. It is hard to talk because we are both away at school, so we can only FaceTime. But this is eating away at me and we need to talk, so I plan to FaceTime him tonight. I don't know how he would feel about going to therapy together and talking because it is hard enough for us just to talk because he gets so emotionally drained from it. I think he knows he did something wrong because he likes the avoid talking. My therapist did suggest couple therapy for us.

[Marquis784 in reply to hrmiller17]

I hope that your talk goes well. Always try to remember to speak from your point of view, "I feel..." I'm sure you know this but sometimes when we get emotional our words jumble and feelings get hurt. Stating facts and how you feel about them will make you feel better. I hope that he is able to hear what you have to say without feeling defensive or overly emotional. If he continues with difficulty communicating he should probably consider seeing his therapist again.

Good luck!