New, confused, and in need of guidance

[Mads_]

I find it so hard to talk about my mental health, embarrassing even. I am 20 I have suffered for over 6 years, undiagnosed, with depression and anxiety. Probably even more years with anxiety, almost as far back as I can remember. It is extremely crippling, I self harmed for years, I have been clean for awhile but the only reason is my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years, and when he found out about my self harm it freaked him out, so I stopped so I did not loose him. I have relapsed multiple times and think about it everyday, but I am trying so hard to remain clean. My boyfriend is/was supportive of my mental health. The reason I say "was" is because recently it feels like i am annoying him by talking about it, so I don't. My parents do not believe in depression/anxiety, they think if you get help then the government will put you on "a list". It is crazy, I know. My college offers some free counseling sessions, and I want to go but I just can't make the appointment. Every time I go to make it I just see everyone being disappointed in me, judging me. I am getting anxious just making this post, I wish I could go into more detail about my symptoms but I just need baby steps. I guess I am just wanting opinions on what to do or where to go from here. Thank you in advance.

[Sosa2017]

Hey there, you’re not alone don’t worry. I’m 25 and have known about these issues since I was about 17. I will say that counseling and medication isn’t for everyone, but I believe it helps most. Also keep in mind that both counseling and medications can be temporary so don’t worry about thinking you will have to rely on those forever. But if you are harming yourself, please talk to a professional. Whether it is free at school or if you have insurance and find someone.

Talking to a stranger who is going to diagnose you is very scary and intimidating, but it is a very important first step that most of us have to take.

You can do this, good luck!

[Mads_ in reply to Sosa2017]

I was honestly so scared about posting on here but your comment was so refreshing and nice. It is nice to know that other people, strangers even, care about you. Thank you so much for the reply and I will definitely look into getting help asap.

[Sosa2017 in reply to Mads_]

I was scared about posting too, I signed up a couple days ago but didn’t post until today. Just reading other peoples stories and hearing from them has helped me so much, hopefully this feelings last. Don’t be shy, if it’s helping keep posting

[Loki1018]

First thing is please get help try and make it to one of those therapy sessions cause it can help you lots. Don't worry how other people think of you they are not in your shoes to even understand what it's like to be in your shoes so f**k them sorry but that how I am I don't give 2 shyts what others think of me what matters is how I think of myself. Plus no one is in the position to judge anyone unless they are God themselves or a perfect human being until then they will one day have to take that up with the big guy upstairs. I'm sorry but I chuckled a bit when you said your parents think you'll be added to the "list" the only list I believe that matter to them is the most wanted list that have done horrendous things. I just recently accepted what's going on with me had to put my pride and ego to the side and am now on meds which are helping but still trying to get to the right dose where I'm good. Yeah we may get annoying to our bfs but that's because they are constantly only hearing our negativity and that's draining. So for now you have us to vent it out and try to give him a break he is still with you and by your side not too many would have stuck around after that can of worms has be opened. Count your blessing and please don't hurt your self it doesn't do much good and one day you will regret that and scars are forever. Good luck hun !

[Mads_ in reply to Loki1018]

Thank you so much! You're right I need to put my pride aside and attend one of the sessions. I laugh sometimes when I think about the fact that they believe in a "list" too, its silly but I don't know if they will ever change. I am very glad my bf has stood by me, I know it has been a lot of stress for him and I am glad I have other people to talk to. I think he will be happy no hearing my negativity so much. Thank you again!

[countryboy1 in reply to Loki1018]

I agree with you so much. I get ALL the help I need including meds. I need it, so I take it. I also get counseling, ALL the COUNSELLING I need, and I DONT feel guilty about it. I am SLOWLY starting to open up to my wife about my Anxiety Disorder and surprisingly to me she is understanding and talking to her and my mother is a help to me. SO I WILL KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT

[Hello1016]

I feel where you are coming from about the parents. My mom understands but I feel that my dad doesn’t get it. He thinks it’s just life and that’s just how life is. It hurts sometimes to feel that he doesn’t understand.

[Mads_ in reply to Hello1016]

It does hurt, my parents actually found out about the self harm, on accident. The only thing they said was I need to stop and make sure no one finds out because it was embarrassing. I have actually just accepted that they think that way and won't change.

[Hello1016 in reply to Mads_]

I have never done self harm and I would say try doing other things that help release the pain. Sometimes I just talk to someone, cry my heart out in my room alone, and pray to God.

[Mads_ in reply to Hello1016]

I am definitely trying new things, I am currently getting diagnosed and hope than I will be able to take steps to help me alleviate the feelings that make me want to self harm. My cat is the number one thing that makes me stop and I don't have her right now do to my housing rules, but my doctor thinks I would benefit from my cat being ESA certified! Thank you so much for the suggestions I will try some of them and hope they help!

[countryboy1 in reply to Hello1016]

Wow, Hello1016, we at this website are in your corner 300%

[Hidden]

Hi when reading your post I was thinking back to when I was 20 and feeling like you. I was too scared and embarrassed to start talking about it to anyone as I had learned in my childhood that neither I or my feelings mattered. I felt shame for feeling so bad and such a failure. I wondered why I couldn't relate to others, make friends, enjoy life like others seemed to.

I did eventually of course seek help with private group therapy which was wonderful. I found it easier than 1-2-1 as there was less pressure on me. Once I started opening up I was able to get help and heal somewhat.

Once you start talking about it to a professional it will really help you. Well done for coming in here as well (no internet in my day). x

[Mads_ in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for the reply, I am learning to speak up about it. At this point I have to start looking out for myself. It was hard coming and speaking on here, but honestly I feel so much better just talking to someone. It has encouraged me to seek help from a professional. Thank you so much again! Its nice knowing I am not alone.

[Hidden in reply to Mads_]

No you are not alone as we all get it. Isn't it a great feeling knowing that? Lil x

[TaraPH]

You need to look at depression & anxiety like high blood pressure or diabetes - it's a disease and nothing you did caused it. I had to hide my depression and anxiety for almost 15 years because I was in the military and if they had found out I would have been medically discharged - the last thing I wanted. It's difficult to tell people not to worry about what others think because we all do - especially when you are still trying to find your way in the world. Socially media makes it way worse. One of the hardest life lessons to learn and believe is that what other people think about you - even your parents - doesn't matter. It's your life and how you choose to live it is YOURS and no-one elses. The hardest thing to do sometimes is to get rid of people in your life that don't add to it. I had to do that with my mother and alot of my family. It sucked but in the end it was worth it. I don't know where I would be today if I had allowed these people to define who I was or who I would become. Finding support and reaching out is hard but just make yourself do it, even if you tell yourself its just one time. Good luck - I'll be thinking of you.