Depression/social anxiety

Hi, I don't know if I came upon the right place for help. But I've been suffering from depression as long as I can remember. I've never went to see a doctor about my mental state but I feel like all the signs that I've been feeling lead to depression. Lately I've been feeling more suicidal. I stay up late & sleep in. I hate everything about myself. I push people away when I start to build a new friendship with someone because of fear of getting hurt. I hate crowded places. I can't handle social gatherings. I always feel like I'm being judge. I woke up from a panic attack recently. It scared me. I never had one that bad before. I'm a very private person. & when I do tell someone a little bit about myself I stay up regretting it. Thinking if I said too much or I shouldn't have told them that. Right now at this moment I feel like I'm getting closer to ending my life. I never abuse myself with drugs or alcohol. I just want this pain to end but don't know how. How can I love myself when I'm trying to overcome depression?

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  • You came to the Right place. Whenever someone is thinking about suicide I recommend this post from goldfish from the depression group healthunlocked.com/actionon...

    From what I hear it can help and a lot of us have been there. Secondly wow. You're the first person I've heard to echo my thoughts so succinctly on being an extremely private person. I push everyone away. I feel judged in social settings to the point where I now avoid them when possible. But what really struck me is that I also severely regret telling anyone the least little thing personal thing about myself. I mentally kick myself for days. Like I've made a fool of myself or worse, given too much of me. I replay it, obsess, think of ways to take it back (which never works) on and on. I can hate myself for days over things that others have probably forgotten? At least I hope they did. Idk, I guess maybe thats a thing. It's one of my biggest issues, I forget and act human, basically, then am mad at myself. I do see a therapist. I will ask him about this. He's not the greatest but he gets some insight now and again.