Depression/social anxiety

[Violetolivia]

Hi, I don't know if I came upon the right place for help. But I've been suffering from depression as long as I can remember. I've never went to see a doctor about my mental state but I feel like all the signs that I've been feeling lead to depression. Lately I've been feeling more suicidal. I stay up late & sleep in. I hate everything about myself. I push people away when I start to build a new friendship with someone because of fear of getting hurt. I hate crowded places. I can't handle social gatherings. I always feel like I'm being judge. I woke up from a panic attack recently. It scared me. I never had one that bad before. I'm a very private person. & when I do tell someone a little bit about myself I stay up regretting it. Thinking if I said too much or I shouldn't have told them that. Right now at this moment I feel like I'm getting closer to ending my life. I never abuse myself with drugs or alcohol. I just want this pain to end but don't know how. How can I love myself when I'm trying to overcome depression?

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

You came to the Right place. Whenever someone is thinking about suicide I recommend this post from goldfish from the depression group healthunlocked.com/actionon...

From what I hear it can help and a lot of us have been there. Secondly wow. You're the first person I've heard to echo my thoughts so succinctly on being an extremely private person. I push everyone away. I feel judged in social settings to the point where I now avoid them when possible. But what really struck me is that I also severely regret telling anyone the least little thing personal thing about myself. I mentally kick myself for days. Like I've made a fool of myself or worse, given too much of me. I replay it, obsess, think of ways to take it back (which never works) on and on. I can hate myself for days over things that others have probably forgotten? At least I hope they did. Idk, I guess maybe thats a thing. It's one of my biggest issues, I forget and act human, basically, then am mad at myself. I do see a therapist. I will ask him about this. He's not the greatest but he gets some insight now and again.

[MomBoss]

You are worth more than you know, nothing is so bad that its worth taking your life for. Seek help, maybe medication, talk it out with someone, anyone. Life will get better, you have to do the work😇