I'm very unsure on which topic to post in. Please forgive me.
Hi everyone. I apologize for such a long wall of text. [B]Also, this is going to be in such a random order due to my terrible brain fog/concentration.[/B] Sorry
I truly don't know where to start. My entire life has been filled with health issues. As a kid, I was sickly. I was sick constantly. It began to really infuriate me as I got older, but then it all changed. I joined the Cross Country team my 7th grade year. I loved it. I was in shape, and healthy. Fast forwarding, it was my freshman year and I was feeling great and content with life... I ran the mile in under 5 minutes, and I could run a 5k in a little over 17 minutes. Life was great. I had great goals for my life. I was so ambitious. I loved to learn. I was truly high on life. I was an empathetic/loving kind of guy. (I'm stressing on this so much because of how different it is now.) But once again, it all changed.
After my freshman year of Cross Country, I had been training for the track season in the spring. I got my wisdom teeth out on January 1st. The next night I got super sick. For two weeks I couldn't even bare to stand up. I had a constant fever of 104. (Mind you, my body surprisingly handles fevers well. I had a 106 fever as a child once and I handled it.) After a series of strong antibiotics, advil, and more antibiotics, I started to feel better. As soon as I was well enough to start running again, I hit the pavement. During my first run I experienced excruciating pain in my legs. A very dull pain, and excessive tiredness. I shrugged it off, maybe I was just really knocked out from being so sick? I'm sure it will go away I told myself...
In the next week, I tried to run everyday, but the pain in my legs began to intensify, which I'm also starting to notice in my arms... I informed my parents and we both agreed that I should take a break. I was heart broken that I had to stop running for any period of time... As time went on, the pain didn't go away... I constantly had weak/painful legs... (The pain/weakness was in my arms as well, but obviously you don't walk on your legs, so I think it was more evident in my legs because they are always being used.) I felt so tired. Nothing help. Excessively resting myself, and trying many different remedies to ease the pain, (Epsom salts, herbs, etc...). Nothing helped, and now I'm seriously struggling to get out my bed in the morning. I started to miss a lot of school... 1.) Because I was just too tired/brain fogged to function. 2.) I was in pain.
My parents began to seriously worry. We scheduled an appointment with my family doctor. (I don't remember the order of these next months, as my memory is very dull now.) My family doctor sent me to a specialist, who sent me to another specialist, etc... I was eventually sent to the Cleveland Clinic. Many test ran, blood, EKG's, MRI's, probably some others that I don't remember. Everything came back normal. The doctor eventually diagnosed me with Chronic Fatigue. Great, for many months now, I had come to terms with the idea that I'll most likely never be able to run again. I was just happy I finally had a name to apply to what I was experiencing. (Although, I was suspecting this diagnoses. I researched every night it seemed like for hours on end for an answer.)
My life took a dramatic turn. Serious brain fog began to set in, and an overall feeling of malaise. I no longer could gain enough energy to run, or to even try and perform a light set of exercises. I was sad of course, but overtime, I really began to manage it. That's when I picked up music... I decided one day that I'm tired of living everyday in my bed and I picked up the guitar. Within a week, I was obsessed. I was staying up late every night, ignoring my drowsiness and learning to songs to play. I was watching LOADS of Youtube videos of people covering songs, etc... I began to sing, which took off quick for me as I just loved it. This was the closest thing to running for me. I experienced so much joy when I sang and played guitar. I eventually got setup with a vocal coach, and things really started to look up from there. I started playing gigs locally and really made a name for myself. I was once again enjoying life. I was so positive and always tried to look on the bright side of things. I met a girl, and we started dating shortly after. For some months there, I was practically back to my old self. I met a new doctor, who thought prednisone might help with the pain and drowsiness... I was on prednisone for around 3-4 months on a VERY low dosage every other day. It seriously helped ease my pain and drowsiness... But some days were still worse than others... Life went great for the next couple of months, but, as you guessed it, it took a dramatic turn again.
I started to experience serious bouts of sadness.. I was crying. I was crying at everything. In public? Crying. At home? Crying. Watching a sad movie? Bawling. I assured myself these bouts were just my 'teenage hormones' going crazy. For 3 weeks, this went on... but GUESS WHAT? THAT'S RIGHT! ANOTHER DRAMATIC CHANGE!
The sadness quickly but surely morphed into a very deep state of apathy. My pleasure was lost. I was no longer 'high on life.' Once, hearing music made any 'crappy' day better. Now, it started to annoy me... I slowly lost any hobby that I use to love. My guitar started to sit in it's case for a long period of time, I stopped getting that 'singers high' that I loved. My emotions were mute. My girlfriend and I started to struggle at this time, as I started losing love. I didn't lose love FOR her.. I just love the ability to love/feel love in general. I started to invest LESS time into our relationship, and generally didn't care how things ended up. The apathy, and anhedonia intensified over the next year... I no longer enjoyed being around people as much, music was starting to become a job to me, I laughed less, going to school was a serious burden, my girlfriend meant less and less to me, etc...
During the beginning of this, I scheduled an appointment with my family doctor and explained the situation. He prescribed an SSRI. The SSRI only caused me to emotionally flatline more, so I weened off... Another SSRI was prescribed which caused the same. This probably was on for 6-7 different SSRI's. During this time, I was still managing to keep things afloat in my relationship, and do OKAY in school, but it was so difficult. (I developed anxiety shortly after my depression started, sorry I didn't include that before.) I started to smoke marijuana for a number of reasons... It helped my pain, it made me feel better, just like I use to.. Music brought me to another world while high, and I laughed, a lot... I loved it. I used marijuana very lightly and never let it control me, but man, there was always one thing in the back of my mind, "I can't until the next time I'm happy again." As time went on, things got worse... I was on no medicine... Since the depression was diagnosed, I was constantly brain fogged, tired, had poor memory, restless, etc... Things really continued downhill for me. As of last year, I ended things with my girlfriend of almost two years because I couldn't do it anymore. I no longer loved her. I no longer loved anything or anyone. I seperated myself from my family because I felt no sense in having them in my life.
(COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT: I started using nicotine. Vaping/chewing tobacco. I never would have started this nasty habit if I wasn't at such a low point in my life.)
All of sudden, I started to feel constantly 'unwell' emotionally and physically. I found a counselor (she's very supportive), and got recommended to a psychiatrist who's currently experimenting with me on what kind of medicines will work the best, etc... Waking up in the mornings became the hardest thing I had to do all day.. I started sleeping in till 11, skipping school every morning because it was just too much to be able to handle. I would wake up feeling VERY sick. Upon waking up, my eyes would be super puffy and seriously red, with an aching feeling coming from behind them. I was SO brain fogged I couldn't even tell left from right. I was nauseous. I generally felt like I had been 'hit by a truck' EVERY morning upon waking up. I would try and force myself up but I would often forget if I even washed my hair while I was in the shower... Because of this, I figured it probably wasn't safe for me to drive, so I'd go back to bed... I'd sleep for many many more hours, sometimes the entire day...
4-5 months ago I weight 158 lbs. (6'2). My appetite slowly began to dissipate. I wasn't hungry, and I had a constant 'full' feeling in my abdomen.. I started going full days without eating, because the thought of food made me feel sick.. I forced myself to and at least eat healthily, also taking vitamins so I was getting my recommended daily intake of everything. I quickly dropped down to 145 lbs., which I'm still currently at.
This is when things seriously start to inhibit me from even engaging in a normal conversation with people... I start feeling 'generally unwell' and 'sick' all day... Such a strong sense of being sick, that I was very close to rushing myself to the hospital multiple times... My eyes became more red, I became more tired, and less hungry... I just feel so restless and 'crappy' that it's hard for me to even function on a daily basis.
Which leads me to today.... I'm so tired of everything... I've been experiencing suicidal thoughts on and off for months now... I'm seriously concerned with how restless I am... I can't even muster up enough concentration to pray, or TRY and relax myself. I've become obsessed with things that require ABSOLUTELY no effort. Things like video games, which bring me no real pleasure, but they just pass the time of this awful life I'm living... I'm constantly depressed. I'm constantly in a haze that never lifts... I've no drive to do anything... I would like to think I use to be quick witted and my memory never failed me... But now, I have to think about the spelling of simple words (I use to be great in spelling). I am constantly forgetting things, especially short term. I don't want to live anymore. The benefits of not living SERIOUSLY outweighs being dead. (My psychiatrist knows this.. I'm too much of a 'baby' to do anything myself.) Music no longer interest me, as well as anything else. I've lost the ability to relax and be content with ANY situation... I'm constantly irritable and ready to snap. Being in the presence of someone else is hard for me, as I can only tolerate it for so long... There's so many more things that I'm forgetting, I know it... I just can't bring myself to think of them right now... (Who would of guessed?)
I have tried so many different natural treatments... So many it's surreal.. But to no avail... It seems as though I no longer to even try and better myself because I'm constantly so low on energy... College is coming up and I don't know what I'm going to do... I USE to have an aspiration to go to medical school, and become a psychiatrist, but the thought of having to wake up in the morning for classes makes me shiver in my boots... I'm tired of feeling so sick, mentally and physically... I'm tired of not being able to walk outside, take a huge breath of air, smile, and tell myself that 'life is good.' I'm tired of wasting my life because I don't care about anything or anyone... I'm just so tired of being SO restless.. It's so difficult for me to even type this because I'm so restless and my mind just goes blank...
I'm tired.. So tired of living like this... I feel as though I'm a COMPLETE different person than I was 2-3 years ago... I try and tell myself that change is good, but I know that this isn't the right type of change... I'm burnt out and I've no desire to better myself.
I know this entire text is in an awful order, and I seriously apologize if it's hard to follow... The brain fog/concentration is to blame.
Thought I might chime that I'm experiencing many other awful/debilitating side effects.
Thank you for taking the time to read.