Why am I alone?

[DAM75]

In short I am a gentle person, extremely hard working, friendly, positive, raising my son alone, rebuilding my business after Covid and recovering after being married to a narcissist husband and his narcissistic family who abandoned us. My own family are non existing and the people drawn to me for some reason always want to compete with me, downgrade me and starve me of normal human rights like love, respect and support. I'm totally overwhelmed with my role as small business owner, mother, maid, and income generator. I used to be strong, fit, in control, energetic, and optimistic about my life leaving home at 19 years old with nothing, working hard for 30 years and now in the process of losing everything bit by bit. I always used to have plan ABC but not anymore. I'm disgusted by close family and his father not caring about my son's well-being. If something happens to me my son will be alone in this world. I'm constantly sad, depressed and vulnerable. Sometimes dark thoughts overwhelm me, if we had to dissappear nobody would care enough about us to come and look for us. I'm a deep religious person but my faith is slowly dissapearing. I love my child deeply but instead of enjoying motherhood I'm in a downward spiral of resentment. I have lost myself, the responsibility of motherhood without any form of support is slowly killing me. I can not talk to my family or friends, it is embarrassing and I cannot trust them. I'm sick of being under pressure, tired, sad, lonely and out of ideas of what to put in the lunch box today. I was blessed with the most beautiful, soft, loving, gentle child but most days that is hardly enough to motivate me to fight on for our daily existence. Because of my religion and faith I will not commit suicide and kill my son but most days it feels like the only way out that is left. I have no energy left to carry on like this. My life is exhausting

[zoandrade]

Hi, I'm sure you have reasons to smile, reasons to wake up every day ... things happen for a reason ... everything you're going through makes you stronger and helps you grow ... be thankful for what you have, find your purpose in life ... you have a beautiful son, what stronger purpose do you need to wake up every day and see him grow?

Be kind to yourself and always focus on the positive side of things in your life (there always is) and enjoy your journey, love yourself and your son, and ... Always be yourself and strive to be your best version for yourself, for your son. You are an inspiration to him.

[DAM75 in reply to zoandrade]

Thank you for your reply and support. It means a lot to me.

[Blueshirt]

Your history, your story, moved me immensely. Your strength of character shines through as truly remarkable. I don't go in for that "whatever doesn't Destroy you makes you stronger" stuff. But, you have got through a hell of a lot of bad stuff. That is, as I say, hugely impressive. If you ever write your life story I would buy it at the drop of a hat. You just need a few lucky breaks right now. I can tell that once you get them you will rise again and you and your son can create a dynasty. Friends can let us down, so too can family. When they do, and after we have invested in these close relationships with our time, love and often money, it hurts like mad. The hurt sometimes need to be embraced and cauterised. However. You can get through this and succeed. Or, you can get through this and also find happiness. Either way you can win. I am currently reading "The Expectation Effect" by David Robson. I don't go in for self help books; most are rubbish. But this was recommended to me by a journalist friend who too had had serious mental health problems and issues about whether to carry on. And so far I am finding this book helpful. Worth a read I reckon. And, it helps me to realise that there are a lot of us who have broken to mental legs. We just need to be a bit kind to ourselves, rest and recover. By all means carry on for your son, our children can be inspiring; but, carry on for yourself. You really are worth it I can tell. Your story makes me respect you for getting this far, please have a metaphorical and physical rest and get started again. Make a new plan, with a new plan B and a new plan C. I know you can do it. Keep in touch and share your ups and downs; it helps me with my own problems, with which I won't bore you. I am plagued with regret and low self worth, but my feelings are regrettably justified. Yours clearly are not. So please stand up again and renew your journey. At the end of the day all we have is ourselves, so fight for yourself. It will be worth it. And thank you for your story that gave me strength for seeing your strength. Don't let the bast**ds grind you down. Good luck. Keep in touch. And thank you

[DAM75 in reply to Blueshirt]

Your message really touched my heart!!! Why is it that it takes strangers to give the best advice, support and motivation in really tough challenging times??? All that I got from my xhusband was "you are crazy" my family was "but you are strong you can handle it" and friends " how are you doing, are you still coping?" I have come to the conclusion that most people in your circle gets a sick twisted powerful feeling to see others not coping that well or struggling. That is why I don't talk to anyone anymore. The females in my circle, married with all the financial benefits will never ever work as hard as I do, they rely 100% on their husband's for finances, security, support and then look down on me, criticizing me and down talk to me as if I'm a child. Needless to say is that I have ghosted most of them. I need positive energy not negative energy. Thank you for acknowledging my effort and value. My battle rages on. I will get back into the boxing ring, transform myself and conquer. I'm thankful for this powerful platform. Yesterday was really really bad, today you have given me new hope and courage. Blessings from ZA

[Blueshirt in reply to DAM75]

Good luck Dam75. Always feel free to get back to me here. Each day is a chance for all of us to make a fresh start. Some days are easier than others, some luckier than others. Just stay in the game and take your chances. Keep in touch