I'm just a mess..help?

Hi Robyn

You say your Mum doesn't understand, and you mention she's a nurse. I'm a teacher and while I can get across a tricky point to a class of 30 kids, I find it incredibly difficult to teach my own children anything. Sometimes when things are too close to home, you just can't transfer the skills that you use every day.

It sounds like you've got a lot going on for you just now, and you've mentioned that you've had therapy in the past. Can I asked why that therapy stopped, and did you feel it worked for you at the time?

Now that you are 16, you don't need your Mum to take you to see a doctor. You can take yourself. However talking to a GP about mental health difficulties can be really hard and I think it would be great if someone could go with you.

I wouldn't advocate trying to go behind your Mum's back, but at the same time, you are entitled to get help for how you're feeling, even if she won't support you.

Are you in the UK? If so, there are lots of charities and support networks you can access.

Take care,

Lucy x

I suppose that makes sense, its just i've tried seeking help a few times before and my mum doesn't want me too because she isn't taking me seriously enough, but as you mention i'm old enough to go by myself so I think I will, but I will tell my mum.

Therapy stopped because it was inside school, and the councillor I had was a stand in (the real school nurse is my aunt so i'm not allowed to speak to her) and she moved, and the school and my family decided they thought it would be better to try and forget about it all and sort of move on, but as ive explained that's not really been working :/ thank you for replying so quickly, i'm new to this website and I am really just trying to reach out to anyone because I don't have anyone to discuss this with in my personal life

thank you, robyn xx

There's always someone here to chat to Robyn.

With all due respect to your family, deciding that you should end your counselling and move on wasn't their decision to make, and it's just left things in the air for you.

I think telling your Mum that you intend to see the GP is a really sensible thing to do. Things are always easier to deal with when they are not surrounded by secrets. By telling her that you're prepared to go on your own, she might well take a minute to realise that you're actually behaving in a very mature way and that your health and wellbeing are important to you.

I thought it was a good idea at the time, but it was only because my secret was out and I wanted everyone to just forget. But i've grown up since then and my thoughts on it are more mature, i'd really like to seek help and go about it in the most normal way possible, I suppose I just needed someone else's opinion to help me decide on what to do. I agree that it was never my families decision to make, and I wish I had sorted things out then (would've saved a lot of hassle.)

I'm also a little bit scared of what to say to the doctor when I go in, I want them to take me seriously and listen, but I don't want to say the wrong thing by accident, could you give me a bit of advice?

again, I really appreciate the support

Morning Robyn & welcome to the forum.

First off let me commend you for seeking help & recognising you have a problem at such a young age. I don't mean to be patronising by pointing out how young you are it just took me about 10 years before I realised I had depression. So for you to realise that already and not only that but also to be wanting to seek help is amazing to me (took me another 10 years to seek help, what can I say I'm stubborn). You are ahead of the curve already. So well done.

Lucy as given you great advice (she usually does) and I can't add anymore really.

As to what to say perhaps you can write down a few things so as to remind you. I've found that I forget to mention everything when I've gone to see a doc about depression because all I want to do is get outta the room as fast as humanly possible. So a few notes would probably have helped me & forced me to keep my butt on the seat for a little longer until everything had been discussed. Lots of times after conversations we tend to think I should have said this or that in response. So that may prove useful.

James

thank you! I've had on and off arguments with myself about going to the doctor or trying to help myself, but its got to the stage where im realising it is taking over my life, therefore I need professional help. Wow, 10 years! better late than never, i'm sorry to hear you've been battling it for so long. Notes would help actually, ive never thought on that before. thank you for the advice/tips!

apart from the vast age difference I know what your going through having been there myself, its sad your family cannot help but that is part of the problem, no one can see the hell you are living , for myself I found professional help to be no help at all in fact it often made things worse, although I am much better now sometimes things can trigger depression, it didn't ever "go away" for me but I do manage to live with it and myself most of the time. I know this isn't much help but I just wanted you to know your not alone and I am always around if you need someone who understands to talk to, I really hope you find that one elusive thing or person who can (in time) make the blackness go away I turned to Buddhism and it helps me but its not the answer for everyone, but where ever it is I hope you find your salvation remember it is out there some where its just it can be very hard to find. stay safe Barrie

Robyn

While professional help didn't work for Barrie it doesn't mean it can't work for you. Unfortunately Barrie didn't find help with professionals (not sure how many they saw) but sometimes we need to continue searching for that help. Some doctors/drugs/therapists wont help us but the next doctor/drug/therapist might be what we need. Personally I think you are doing the right thing in thinking/trying to get professional help, that should be tried first, even if it doesn't help you like it didn't help Barrie. If that were to be the case then you could start looking elsewhere, or actually as I think of it look elsewhere in conjunction with the professional help. That way you could have the best of both worlds.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that, while Barrie's advice is great, don't be in a rush to found a "person who can (in time) make the blackness go away". If it's an elusive thing to help you then by all means be in a rush but not if it's a person especially if that person is to be a partner. You are too young to be thinking about finding a partner to help you. I maybe wrong in my thinking here but for me I don't believe that I should rely on another person to make my depression go away, help & support yes but not be the answer. Because then that would mean I would put up with any kind of behaviour from that person because they make the blackness go away. And letting someone have that power or control is never a good thing.

i agree with what they say but i didn't mean find a partner more a friend be it human, animal or whatever yes professionals can help but just don't give up no matter what

I wont give up, I want to get better! or at least try! thank you xx

I agree, if professional help doesn't seem to be working first time round I wont give up on it, I want to try everything that will help me in any way.

I understand what youre saying, you can never put your whole trust into someone else because its not always going to work out right, there will be disagreements etc.

This might sound a little silly, but there is one thing that helps me, its an album called Grace by Jeff Buckley and it keeps me sane, a friend (that I have been in love with for a year and a half) showed it to me and it was as if he totally understood how I was feeling when he gave me the album. We have since then drifted but I felt like he was the only one who would ever understand me completely as he felt the same.

thanks for the advice xx

nothing is silly if it helps you

It is horrible living it on your own with no one in your personal life to talk it through with, but this site has made me realise im not as alone as I thought I was! I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, professional help is not going to help everyone but at least you've tried it and you found something else to fill the void. I really appreciate the support, it makes feel less alone, you can always message e if you would like to talk

robyn xx

Speaking to the doctor is by far the worst part. I absolutely hate it and the number of times I've walked in to the room, fully intending to talk about depression, and instead asking for something completely different is crazy! You could possibly write down in a few points that you'd like to talk about, and hand it to the doctor.

Something like 'I've been feeling quite down lately, I'd like to talk about it with you but not entirely sure how to start' The doctors will be experienced in knowing the right things to say and the kind of questions to ask, and you'll most definitely come out of there feeling better than you did when you went in.

I already get very nervous going to see the doctor about normal things like a sore ankle or a migraine, and this has been the one thing stopping me doing anything about it! I suppose if I just get it done and over with then things can only get better from there.

I might say something along those lines, ill definitely bring notes!

Hi Robyn,

I've read your piece and I am a social worker - you need to get a professional to help you. You are 16 and can get help on your own now you dont need anyone's advice from your family. It appears your family does not understand at all depression - and how difficult it can be and it is also very dangerous with people not getting help and turning to do other things they know they should not do.

I suggest you talk with whoever you can - do you have a minister - that might be a start - go to them and tell them you are depressed and what they symptoms are - ie can you sleep - do you want to eat etc. Tell them you have been this way since you were young and now you need something to help. You probably need an anti depressant - but I am not a doctor and do not know. It isi very complicated but a doctor both can and will help you and you can also ask the doctor to speak with your mom.

Dont be afraid you must speak up and right now. Write to me and tell me what you have done - I am interested and I do care - I am very serious.

Take care,

blondola1

it is difficult not having anyone in my physical life understanding what I feel, but this site has given me bit of hope and has made me realise I am not alone, and there are (sadly) so many people in the same position as I am. I will seek help though, its the only thing I haven't tried yet and if it doesn't work at least I know ive tried, but I want to go into this with an open mind hoping itll work.

thank you for all your care and support, and I know you are being genuine which is something I really value in a person. I will keep everyone noted on what I decide to do

:)xx

Hi again Robyn,

Thank you very much for your response - I know it must be very diffiicult not having someone in your physical life but you are right - you are NOT ALONE. I will tell you something to help you - I have been depressed in fact that is why |I understand it so well - because |I nearly died - I iwouldnt eat - wouldnt do anything for myself - and I went down to 85 pounds and literlly nearly died - my son finally called the cops and they took me to a hospital and saved my life or I would have died and I am very very serious - so I KNOW what you are feeling believe me.

You MUST REACH OUT to someone - a friend your minister your mom - who do you trust - \i am very serious - you must get help and right away robyn.

Tell whoever you get to email me and I will try to help them - I am very very very serious = I do really care about you Robyn..

PLEASE let me know how I can help and I will.

love Jeanne (blondola1)

That's absolutely devastating, I can imagine your family were very upset. I'm so glad you are better now and that you are now helping others. I'm so glad youre still here with us, otherwise you couldn't have helped me and others, and youre a beautiful person.

I will reach out - i'mgoing to make an appointment by at least a week from now to get my head straight.

I will let you know what happens, thank you for your support and care <3

-Robyn xx

Hi Robyn,

Thank you for your wonderful letter. I am so happy you are going to go oand see someone - who will you see? Can you get in any earlier than one week? It sure sounds like you need it dear.

Please continue to let me know how you are doing - as I do care and I do want to help you.

Love Jeanne (blondola1)

I'm pretty busy this week (its the last week of the summer holidays and i want to make the best of it haha) but i did really want to seek help before school started back, but it looks like i might not be able too.

I am doing okay. I'm really sick of everything in my life at the moment though, my two closest friends are both stubborn, and theyve both done wrong to me recently and ive forgave them and long story short i ended up apologising (when it was their fauts) and i just feel like i shouldnt have to put up with stuff like this. but i just can't help the way i am.

I've just been feeling really crap tbh, i keep disappointing people, and especially at this time in my life (my parents just got a divorce) and all the family wants to stay close but i just dont feel like seeing anyone right now, and i can't help that either.

Thank you for asking me how i'm doing -- i will be fine, i just dont really know what my next step is, and i dont have anyone to help me through it in my real life.

How are you doing?

- Robyn xx

Hi Robyn,

So many people out there don't have the courage to reach out, be honest, and ask for help - you should be pleased with yourself for doing this.

I've been in a similar place to you which started out at about 12 - I experienced OCD related anxiety which turned into depression, or sometimes I would feel depressed for no reason (it was always when I was at family gatherings it would seem most pronounced, because I would realise I was not having the same enjoyment as I used to when I was younger and had these gatherings, probably also because of the happy atmosphere - adults drinking champagne and younger kids running around). I would also feel tired all the time, uncomfortable about seeing friends and not feeling part of the group whenever I did. I just wanted to be at home doing nothing, watching whatever my favourite TV series was at the time, forget everything, and pretend to be the characters in the show. Sometimes when I was with a group I would get a strong desire to be away from them and alone, but then being alone was also what I hated. I yearned for company, comfort, reassurance, a distraction. I didn't like just being left with nothing but my thoughts and feelings. Things did change and get better for me. I'm not saying it's only hormones - I know there is probably something more serious causing what you're experiencing at the moment, but they do make it a lot worse, please remember that. As I got older I did find the anxieties and depression start to settle down and I'm sure you will too. Please be assured that it won't always be as bad as this. I'm not saying what I went through was as bad as what you're going through now, merely sharing my own experience and realising that it was, in part (but not completely) down to being a teenager.

You sound like an amazing, strong young woman to have dealt with and fought this in a really mature and sensible way - you've also over come self harm, which realise from other people's experiences is a really difficult thing to do. I reckon a combination of counselling and anti depressants will help you to improve. I had counselling when I was 12, and again when I was 16 - an entire 4 years ago (although I sort of feel into that for a different reason), and both times the therapist there was able to help me to get the bottom of my anxieties and I was able to overcome most of them (or at least reduce them). I also noticed an improvement in my self esteem (one of my strengths, I was told, was the ability to express myself. I was pretty good at understanding the own root of my anxieties - for example I was able to explain the history of my OCD tendencies, but I certainly benefitted from the guidance of someone in a objective position) and was better able to focus on the positive aspects of myself rather than the negatives ones - and therefore have a better sense of self worth. I think what I've learnt is the way that others see us is actually a lot more positively than the way we see ourselves - and I reckon that therapy would really help to get to bottom of the self esteem issues you mention, help you to break out of this cycle, and improve you're overall mental health. As someone who's been there myself I'm certain self esteem issues is probably one of the biggest factors of depression and threats to our mental health.

So start with your doctor, there's a simple answer to getting your message across: print off this post and take it to the appointment with you and give to the doctor to read - that way they will know a bit about your history, see how hard you've worked to overcome this and that you've tried everything you can to help yourself.

It can be heart breaking for any mother to know their child is suffering and they can't make it better. Just give her time, as she may be trying to protect herself instead of coming to terms with it. She'll soon come round, especially when she sees you helping yourself and fighting this, and I'm sure she will become very proud of the strong, beautiful daughter she has.

Good luck,

Fay xxxx

Thank you, ive contemplated even putting this post up but its given me a lot more confidence into going to the doctor about this

your story sounds similar as to how I feel, although I do have other things going on that would make any person depressed, but it's little things like not enjoying things as much as I used to, seeing all my friends blossom into beautiful, interesting people as I slowly deteriorate into nothing. I understand hormones do have an effect on how I think, but I also feel my mind works differently from that and my depression has only gotten worse anytime I've tried to do something about it myself.

I was really proud of myself for stopping self harm, I just didn't see the worth in it anymore, and it annoys me that some people measure your depression by seeing if you self harm or not. I also have bad anxiety and its taken me a month or two to decide to put this post up! You seem like n amazing person who has gone through a lot and has came out on the better side, go you! although im sorry you ever felt like that in the first place

I feel like I will just disappoint my mum by doing anything though, I understand my health is the most important part and don't get me wrong, I have an amazing mum but she always talks about 'stigma' that is attached to people like me and she discourages me from seeking help professionally as I feel she also does not understand me.

Thank you for your brilliant advice and sharing your story with me, keep strong!

robyn xx

Also I know you said you had therapy before and it didn't work out, but I think that's because it was stopped too early. Also bare in mind that a good rapport and between the therapist and the client is important for it become successful, sometimes it's just about finding the right person that fits. Also depression is a complex illness and I think it's just as important to treat the physical element with medication - if you weren't on anti depressants when you had treatment before that might be another reason why the results weren't as good as they could have been. Just wanted to let you know that I'm aware you had counselling before. xx

Hey!

I'm sorry for everything of that. I understand you.

My parents doesn't care bout me. So yeah, I understand.

I hope everything will be better for you soon!

-another young girl xx

Ps: nice to meet you! And welcome to this forum, xx

Hello :)! Thank you for understanding, it means a lot, although im sorry that you understand because you have a similar situation you can message me if you like, if you ever want to talk or anything! Thank you, I hope the same for you too!

Thank you again, ive only been on here for a day or two and everyones shown so much support! nice to meet you too :)xxx

No problem!

You too

Xx

Robyn,

Please please assure us you'll see a doctor now. My major self-esteem issues started around your age and worse because I was too worried about addressing them, not being taken seriously and even getting laughed out of the building. The first GP I saw about this was at my university practice, and going into my final year after some tragic events had frankly messed me up. The GP listened to me, showed me so much kindness, and prescribed an SSRI called citalopram.

Talk to people, trust in people because they really care, whether it's a counselor, psychiatrist, doctor or your best friend. You have the right to feel happy and secure. Please don't dismiss it and talk to your GP now, maybe ask to see a lady doctor if it helps you, and taking a list is a very good idea as we all tend to clam up in those situations.

I can say citalopram helped me finish uni, but when I did I continued taking pills, telling people everything was fine, when I was gradually slipping until I took an overdose in January. I'm 27 now. I know it was because I wasn't open with anyone about the guilt and sadness, and for all the reasons you mentioned for yourself. Don't just take whatever pills they give you, you have every right to 6 sessions of counseling on the NHS, and they will both decide where to take you next.

After 3 more changes in anti depressants and anti anxiety meds I think I've found the right thing for me and my doctor is determined not let me slip through the tracks, sending me for counseling and psychiatry and always being at the end of an email. I know it's hard, especially if you a little shy and lack self-confidence, but take that step, and keep talking. People really are compassionate when you let them in, and doctors are especially experienced at meeting people with depression every day.

I can't offer much advice on the parental issue. It's something my family, although loving, have never felt comfortable talking about.

I just see a lot of myself in you when I was 16. You have so many good things ahead of you so start now!

If you need to come back to this forum everyone is here for you, and message me if you need to ever ask a question.

Good luck! xxx

Thank you for your reple and sharing your story with me, its helpful!

I know people can be great, and i've always tried to be posative and open minded about things (seriously, not just saying that) as i don't like feeling the way i do, but anyone i've ever opened up to has betrayed my trust and i always feel like i'm the one there to listen to everyone else when they have a problem but there is no one there for me truely. I know people care for me and i am a well loved person, but when ever i open up, the usual response is "oh.." or "i'm sorry to hear that.." then nothing else. Whereas i try my hardest to really offer good advice, and i often analyse my own issues and think of it as someone else's problem, but i just can't take my own advice.

My confidance has aways been low, although i am a well loved person and i do have a lot of friends, i just can't really help that and sometimes i will start to speak nd people dont even aknowledge me and it makes me feel unappriciated. I want too work on my self esteem, i'm not happy with my appearance either. I'm not really fat, but i'm pretty chubby and i have really bad acne, which REALLY gets me anxious about seeing people. I feel a bit like no one really knows me, and everyone judges me when they look at me. Idk, i'm rambling.

I really do need help from a professional, and i hope i get that soon.

Anyways thanks for your reply, i hope youre getting on okay!

-Robyn xx