I apologize in advance as the following post is very long, but it is the story of my own personal experience of how Opiates almost took my life after taking everything else. I am also fully aware that many people take Opiates for pain relief & say they help them. This is just my own personal experience.
I do not apologize however for sharing my story, as it has made me the person I am today, and I am so very fortunate to still be around to share my experience to tell of how the severe anxiety & depression from long term Opiate use completely engulfed me. And if by posting this, It can help save just one person from many years of the most unimaginable suffering, then it will be so worth it.
I enjoyed a very happy childhood growing up with loving & supportive parents.
I left school aged 16 with the basic GCSE's & walked straight into a full time job.
Aged 18 I joined a local concrete manufacturing company.
I started in the factories & spent around 10 years hand stacking very heavy concrete paving slabs, along the way gaining experience in every aspect of the whole manufacturing process.
I injured my back one morning at work, this was in the days where awareness around Health & Safety & Manual Handling wasn't as prevalent as it is today. I had some physio & returned to work just a few days later.
Over the following 16 years I gained many qualifications in Management, in Manufacturing & Health & Safety.
I was promoted on a number of occasions up to my last role with the company, where I was responsible for running one of their many satellite sites. Throughout this time I always experienced problems with severe debilitating lower back and neck pain.
I moved house & now lived in & registered with a new GP Surgery.
I was diagnosed around 2008 at the local hospital with Degenerative Disc Disease after MRI scans showed damage to five discs in my back, along with two in my neck, all believed to be the cause of the heavy manual job I did for years.
Numerous injections in my back from the Pain Clinic offered no relief from the pain.
My Dr at the time prescribed me Oxycodone, after trying several other medications that did nothing at all to help relieve the pain I was in constantly.
The Oxycodone worked, i gained some quality of life back – at first that is, but only for a short amount of time.
After several visits to my Dr, constantly having the dosage increased on every occasion. I was then switched over to OxyContin.
The exact same thing happened again, constantly increasing the dosage due to it no longer giving any pain relief, later learning this being due to my tolerance levels constantly increasing.
After constantly increasing the dose over the following few years, I was prescribed 800mgs of OxyContin per day, though this would continue to increase to almost double the amount prescribed to 1500mgs per day on a daily basis.
I remember the pain I was in was actually much worse at this point, in fact, so very much worse than the pain I was in at the time I was firstly prescribed the initial dose of Oxycodone a few years earlier. But this was put down to my back deteriorating & not the amount of Oxy I was taking.
Despite being raised to always be very honest & to always respect & help others, I found myself being dishonest & selfish in order to just get that OxyContin prescription.
I would constantly wake up between 2-3.am, then would spend the rest of the night pacing up & down in a blind panic, just thinking of excuse after excuse of how I could collect my monthly prescription two weeks earlier than I should have needed it due to running out. Then to my absolute relief after picking up the prescription after saying I was working away a lot. That bout of unbelievable panic would then return & switch focus to the Pharmacy. What if they hadn't got any OxyContin!? What if the Pharmacist refused to give it me due to realising I was picking a months supply up two weeks early!? This happened on many occasions & I absolutely hated myself for doing it, but as long as I got that script, that's all I was worried about & now all i could ever concentrate on.
Though I cannot remember doing this, my partner tells me she actually went to the Pharmacy for me on a number of occasions due to my panicking!
OxyContin was the very last thing I thought about before I closed my eyes at night & the very first thing in my head as soon as I woke, along with every waking hour in between constantly thinking & clock watching, just willing time to speed up so I could take my next dose.
I remember taking my prescription to a different Pharmacy once due to actually really working away! The Pharmacist rang & spoke to my Dr’s surgery. After the surgery confirmed my dose, the Pharmacist refused to give it to me, actually telling me: “I'm not going to be held responsible for your death”
At this point, I was no longer taking this amount of OxyContin to relieve the agonising pain I was in constantly, I was only taking it in order to be able to function, as I learned that without it, I could no longer do, or even want to do even the most simplest of tasks.
I realised at the point of becoming deceitful that I had a serious problem, so I started to research what was happening to me.
This is when I learned what Opiates were, what Oxycodone & OxyContin were & how it was actually much stronger than Morphine & the reason for the current Opioid epidemic in the U.S.
This very same medication I was taking is now responsible for over 400,000 thousand deaths through overdose in the States & still counting to this day & the reason Purdue Pharma, the manufacturer of OxyContin have been found $1billion to date.
Passed by the FDA In the U.S as it was said to have few addiction properties & just one tablet was supposed to last a full twelve hours between each dose. I was having to take my dose every 1.5-2 hours, if I didn't, I would start to experience the first very unpleasant signs of what I came to learn were in fact Heroin withdrawals. Interestingly also, is the fact that the same person at the FDA who passed OxyContin, then went on to actually work for Purdue Pharma 2 years later! Strange that!??
After doing all this research, I soon realised my worst fears, I was a full blown drug addict. But I kept telling myself I couldn't possibly be an addict as I had been prescribed this medication by my Doctor.
There were times when I would run out due to my Dr being on holiday, the locum Dr or the other Dr's at the same surgery would not prescribe such a high amount, i would then suffer full blown withdrawals until I could pick up my next prescription.
Those withdrawals were the worst experiences I have ever gone through in my life, or so I thought at the time, as there was so very much worse to come.....
Around this time I was involved in a car accident where I collided with an oncoming car.
I was not speeding as I approached a sharp bend on a road I have driven on for many years, when I heard a sudden bang on the apex of the bend from the back of the car, the rear end of the car stepped out & clipped a car travelling in the opposite direction.
The wing mirror of my car came through my drivers window, smashed & broke on my left eyebrow. I blacked out for a minute & when I came around with blood streaming down my face, I had people helping me telling me to stay still & not to move. The person in the car I hit was standing in front of me checking I was alright.
The emergency services arrived & I had to be cut out of the car due to the severe pain in my neck & back.
While lying in the hospital bed waiting to have the tiny pieces of glass around my eye removed, the Nurse asked me if I was taking any medication, what type & the amount. When I told her 800mgs of OxyContin per day, but actually almost double that, she said you must mean 80mgs per day, I replied no, many times more...
It wasn't until I was trying to remember these events, that my mother told me that the Nurse actually took her to one side & asked her what amount of OxyContin I was taking as she was sure i had got the amount wrong, when my mother confirmed the amount, the Nurse was shocked.
I was signed off sick from work & was constantly worrying about driving to work due to the pain in my back & whether I would be able to manage the commute.
After long discussions with the HR department, I sadly decided it may be better to end my career with a company I had worked 26 years for.
When I was feeling well enough after healing from the injuries of the accident, an old colleague who had left to become Managing Director of another company, contacted me to see if I was willing to do some Health & Safety work for him on a self employed basis.
I completed the work he required over a few weeks & he then offered me an employed position as an Operations Manager which I accepted.
I believed in my addicted mind that all was well. I was driving a brand new Lexus car which I was given an extra £450 per month on top of my salary to buy, I was paying 40% tax due to the great salary I was being paid, all was great, yet I was still taking around 1500mgs per day of OxyContin.
I carried on going to work as the drive wasn't half as far as my previous job, though I knew my ever increasing pain was down to the amount of the OxyContin I was taking.
Then one day I was called into the office & told: “I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go” there was no explanation given, so I gathered my stuff & left there & then.
I remember driving home in a daze as I couldn't believe what had just happened.
I was in total disbelief, wondering how I was going to pay the bills & survive.
I had to give my beloved Lexus back & pay Lexus £2000 for the privilege. How had everything I had ever worked for come down to this?
I refused to claim benefits & would spend all my savings before claiming benefits due to a belief I've had all my life of working hard & having an inner pride.
I did spend all my savings before being forced to then claim benefits as I no longer had a choice, to then go through the whole demoralising system of assessments & appeals, almost being evicted etc. but that's a whole other story.
Sitting at home wondering what I was going to do, I started to replay things in my mind over & over again.
What if that car accident over a year ago was actually my fault due to the amount of OxyContin I was taking? I know I definitely heard a bang & I know the back end of my car definitely did step out & i did lose control for a split second, but what if I had actually imagined all that?
I know I blacked out for a short time after the impact, but what if I had actually blacked out seconds before the impact due to the massive amount of Opiates i was prescribed but just cannot remember?
What if the person I hit had also been injured as a consequence, or even worse still, what if they had actually, God forbid, died as a result & i had caused it!?
How would I ever have been able to live with myself if that was the case?
What if due to my ever decreasing poor memory due to the Opiates, my mind was tricking me to prevent me from coming to terms with the reality, actually blocking trauma out?
What if I no longer cared about my performance at work after being so proud of what I have achieved all my career over all those years?
What if I was so bad at work without realising it but everyone else I worked with had realised, but didn't say anything to me?
What if, even though I truly believed I was doing a good job, I actually wasn't & that is the reason I lost my job?
It was at this point that something that had been buried, swallowed up by all the many Opiates I had consumed over the years deep inside my ever decreasing & barely functioning brain, that something suddenly & finally after all those lost years, clicked!
I’d had enough, I wanted my life back.
I’d had enough of being deceitful, that isn't who I am, it wasn't the person I was brought up to be & who I truly was.
I’d had enough of the Opiates being in total control of every waking minute of my whole life & taking all from me. I was now ready to take back control of my life.
I made an urgent appointment with my Dr & said that I'd had enough & wanted my life back. I wanted off all the OxyContin.
I'd become so dependent on OxyContin that I no longer wanted my whole daily life to be controlled & totally consumed by it.
I was then told that there had been several meetings held about me & how my Dr had been “told off” by the other doctors at the surgery about the amount of OxyContin I had been prescribed over such a long period of time.
I was then referred to my first drug clinic in Derby, to take what I believed would be the first steps to claiming my life back.
After going through my addiction with the drug worker, I was told:
“I'm sorry, but it isn't street Heroin so we cannot help you” so was referred back to my Dr.
My Dr then referred me to another drug clinic in Derby, again I was told exactly the same thing, it isn't Heroin, we cannot help you, again being referred back to my Dr.
At which point my Dr stated I would have to do a taper by myself.
I moved back to the small town I grew up in & registered at the local GP Surgery.
Made an appointment to discuss with my new Dr, as I knew that the amount I was on, there was no way I could attempt to do this all by myself & would need help.
My Dr drew up a taper plan which I was determined to follow.
Over the following months I stuck to the taper plan & I was doing really well, I managed to reduce from the 1500mgs per day down to the actual prescribed original 800mgs per day, then took my time & gradually reduced even further, until I dropped down to 320mgs per day. This is where my journey to Hell began.
I believed It couldn't possibly be any worse than the many times I had been through withdrawals, little did I know, as so very much worse was to follow...
After being turned away by three drug agencies, going around in circles from doctor referrals to drug clinics, back to my Dr, to the Pain Clinic, to drug clinics then being told the same old story, we cannot help you, then referred back to my Dr.
I was truly suicidal at this point, I could not see any way forward to help me out of the actual Hell i was in. I had done so well to reduce my dose, but could no longer see any way forward.
I remember standing on my balcony, coming so very close to actually jumping off.
After paying into a system all my working life, to then be prescribed a drug that i later found out to be actually stronger than Heroin that effected how my brain perceived things, to then get turned away by that same system that turned me into an actual drug addict, I was lost, very angry & suicidal.
Now knowing that when on Opiates, your brain stops producing Dopamine as you get it artificially from the dose of Opiates, therefore the Brain shuts the Dopamine receptors down. Dopamine is part of the reward system in the Brain which gives us pleasure from things. Due to reducing from such a high amount down to the 320mgs per day, I was no longer getting the Dopamine from the Opiates & my brain had stopped producing Dopamine a very long time ago.
I truly believed that if the OxyContin didn't actually kill me, then I would do it myself. This I wholeheartedly believed to my core, because i was truly broken, beaten & i could not see any way out, from a system that should have helped me, but had let me down at a time when I needed it the most.
I recently found out the reason I was turned away by all those drug addiction Clinics.
It has nothing at all to do with the reason I was given by those Clinics, it's all down to commissioning from the government, no budget to help with addictions to prescription medications, even if it is stronger than Heroin!
I eventually managed through research to reach out to a drug charity in London called Release.
Release, especially a lady who I truly believe actually saved my life who I will forever be indebted to, actually got one of the drug clinic addiction consultants that firstly turned me away, to change their mind & agree to treat me, after being told by the clinic, "we're only agreeing to help you out of the goodness of our heart, as we're only budgeted to treat people addicted to street Heroin & not legal Heroin given by a Doctor" I was also told I had to totally stop taking the 320mgs of OxyContin I had tapered down to before they would prescribe any Methadone.
After an agonising following few months, starting on a minimum dose of 30mils of Methadone, (Methadone is given to Heroin addicts to come off Heroin), with no OxyContin at all, the 30mils of Methadone didn't even hold me for two hours, then going into full blown withdrawals every single day & night. My new Doctor, after seeing the state I was in & how very desperate I had become, even prescribing me 4 x 20mg OxyContin tablets that I had to pick up daily from the Pharmacy, doing his best to help me, knowing the clinic should've started me on a much higher dose of Methadone until I was on a stable dose. Then to 50mils of Methadone, everyday withdrawals continuing, then 70mils, withdrawals still continuing daily, they eventually, over a few months of suffering daily, got me to the dose of 105mils of Methadone, where I no longer needed the OxyContin, i was stable & no longer going through those horrendous, constant, daily withdrawals & sleepless nights, not eating as the food I tried to force down me, came straight out one way or the other! Constant RLS, anxiety, severe depression, the worst case of Flu & multiplying that 10 times over etc etc etc.
Looking back recently through all the old emails between me & the lady at Release that I only have vague memories of, I was so desperate & cannot believe It was me who had actually sent those emails. One even saying that if I could find a Heroin dealer, I would overcome my fear of needles & inject myself with Heroin as I could no longer continue feeling the way I felt as I was no longer living, I was just existing & every minute, of every hour, of every single day was constantly going through physical & mental torture. I no longer wanted to be here!
I reduced the Methadone as soon as I possibly could, over many months I reduced more & more, till i was free & have been totally free now for around seven months. But the effects of long term Opiate use have devestating effects on the Brain as well as physical health.
Even though i beat this drug that should have, & very nearly did kill me, it had one final kick at me, leaving me to deal with the following:
In December 2016, I was diagnosed with severe ‘Central’ sleep apnoea, where I was stopping breathing eighty times per hour per night after a sleep study. This type of Apnoea is where you stop breathing & your brain doesn't actually tell you to wake up!
I was advised to inform the DVLA & after several questionnaires, my driving licence was revoked.
Then i was told after blood tests that my Testosterone level was zero.
I had a brain scan to check my pituitary gland, thankfully all was clear, so I was put on regular hormone replacement injections. These caused severe acne & thickened my blood, so at the risk of a stroke, I refused to continue with the hormone replacement.
After given three different types of antidepressants over the following months, which did absolutely nothing for me, I refused to take any more due to my experience around medications.
In March of 2018, i had another full blood count test. This time it showed Megaloblastic, (Macrocytic) Anaemia, Vitamin B12 deficiency, Folate deficiency & Pernicious Anaemia.
After keeping a diary of my six loading doses & three monthly injections, i knew i needed more B12 injections than the standard. I took my health into my own hands after joining the PAS {Pernicious Anaemia Society}, listening to many others who are forced to do the same & self Inject regularly, ordered B12 from Germany & after self Injecting every other day since Christmas, I've never felt better, I finally have my life, my personality & my morals back!
I have Peripheral Neuropathy from the Pernicious Anaemia where it is painful to walk due to nerve damage in my feet, but hopefully the regular B12 may help to heal, but it will take time.
I obviously still have the pain from the degenerative disc disease in my back, but I'm looking at alternative relief, other than the legal Heroin i was given that almost took my life.
My sleep apnoea has improved to almost non existent. Down to 0, 0.1, 0.2 etc. Anything below 5.0 is classed as not having sleep apnoea.
Since regular B12 Injections which improves Macrocytic Anaemia, I feel so much better. Heroin severely restricted my breathing. Having Macrocytic Anaemia restricts oxygen to many essential organs in the body, hence the reason my sleep apnoea has now vanished.
Most Heroin addicts have a B12 deficiency without even realising it!
Even after all this time, certain things I used to enjoy have yet to return.
I have fallen in love with my very first love all over again, music & playing the guitar, which sat in its case for three years. Other interests are still yet to return, which I now know to be “Anhedonia” a term used to describe no longer gaining pleasure from pleasurable activities. One cause of Anhedonia is substance abuse.
All of the above were caused by my long term Opiate use, Pernicious Anaemia, though treatable, being irreversible.
My main passion & purpose in life now, is to educate everyone about how long term Opiate use destroys lives & actually makes pain so much worse in the long term.
Opiates do actually have a very important role to play in pain relief, but only in certain situations & only for short term pain relief, prescribed & monitored very closely.
Long term, Opiates only Increase pain and cause other health issues, especially affecting mental health after altering Neurotransmitters, Endorphins, Dopamine & many receptors in the Brain.
Even though I was lucky enough to beat my ‘legal’ Heroin addiction, I am now having to deal with the long term health effects it has left me with.
I am unable to change policies in the UK to how I believe they should be changed from going through my own experience.
I know just how very lucky i am to have been treated, as if I wasn't given that help, I would just be yet another, sadly growing statistic which is increasing daily not only in the U.S, but now here in the UK also.
Not only did my addiction take everything I had worked so hard all my life for, it also greatly affected the people who I love most in life even more so, my family, which I still regret putting them all through to this day.
I spent a long time being angry at my then doctor, but now realise that all she was trying to do was to help relieve my pain. Doctors don't know how to deal with addictions, they are not trained nor have the time to deal with it.
I spent a very long time being very angry at the system also, a system that should have helped me, asking why & how could I go from being so successful, to then being turned into a full blown drug addict.
Addiction does not discriminate! Addiction doesn't care what your circumstances are, what your social situation in life is, or how much money you have. Once it grabs a hold of you, it will totally destroy you & everyone around you and leave you completely broken, facing the hardest battle you will ever have to face in your life.
I have now accepted what happened to me.
I have now let go of the anger & frustration at my then doctor & a system that i paid all my working life into that let me down so badly.
This problem I was faced with, I now know is a much bigger issue here in the UK & growing daily.
There are still very few drug clinics in the UK who help people like me, as they get sent back to their doctor, unless fortunate enough to be able to afford private rehab.
My aim & main purpose in life now is to not only help others addicted to prescription medication, but to also help other addicts with Opiate addictions, along with educating doctors & healthcare professionals who prescribe Opiate medication so freely.
My passion now is to save others from going through the Hell that I went through for a very long time & couldn't see any way out of that deep black hole I found myself in. To prevent those people becoming yet another, very sad statistic.
To go into schools, colleges, universities & prisons to educate from a first hand, lived experience & to warn of the many dangers around substances, both legal & illegal, as they all lead you down the same pathway.
Recently learning that dealers are now lacing cannabis with Fentanyl, which will sadly only have one outcome!
The whole system around prescription medication addictions needs addressing to help those in desperate need, as the current system does not offer that help.
The massive Stigma that surrounds Heroin addiction also needs to change!
After talking to the many addicts i have met during my time spent at addiction clinics, not one said they enjoyed being on Heroin, all stating how it totally consumed every single day of their lives, as without it, it was completely impossible to function. These addicts are human beings who have been dealt a cruel blow in life, later realising they made the wrong choice on how to deal with that blow, but by then it was way too late.
Recovering Opioid addicts should not be shunned by society, but should be embraced, as so very much could be learned from their experiences to help others. Every single addict in recovery is far more qualified to help overcome an addiction than any University graduate with all the qualifications around addiction. As they have the most important qualification, 'Life Experience'
If by telling my story & raising awareness of what i experienced can now just save even one person from suffering what I went through, or worse still, losing their life, which should have happened to me, then the sheer Hell that i suffered will have been worth it.
Oxycontin
Oxycontin not lasting.?
I needed my pain meds
I'm new. Opiate prescribing 
