Well here I am, back again but for the wrong reason I'm afraid.
Wasn't sure whether to post or just keep quiet but decided to come clean and take the plunge.
Some of you will know me from way back as I struggled through another of my quit attempts. After over 9 months smoke free I thought I'd cracked it and that smoking for me was a thing of the past.
There's no way of dressing it up and sadly I have to own up to the fact that I've been smoking for the past 4 weeks. I blamed it on one of those stressful times that crop up for all of us now and again, you know the kind of situation that always resolves itself whether we let it worry us or not. Well, being the fool that I obviously am I used this minor problem as an excuse to smoke again.
Did smoking help - of course not. It was a double edged sword because although being able to indulge in my secret addiction was enjoyable (I won't lie) I felt guilt with every cigarette I put to my lips. That didn't stop me carrying on smoking for at least 4 weeks, promising myself with every pack I bought that it would be my last.
Last night I was concerned to see there were only 2 cigarettes left in the pack and that was when I woke up to reality and asked myself what the hell I was doing. More importantly I asked myself exactly why I was doing it. I couldn't give one reason and it was a real reality check for me.
So, here I am again back at the starting post and feeling like the stupid fool that I am. I've made my mind up that my smoking days are over (again!!) but I do mean it. I know the next few days might be tough because I've got back in to the habit of just reaching out for a cigarette whenever the mood takes me. From now on there'll be no more sneaking out the back door and smoking in the garden where I know I can't be seen (that statement alone say's it all!), no more cough and no more wasting hard earned money.
I hate putting a downer on this forum because everyone seems to be doing so well and all the post's are so positive but perhaps mine might serve as a warning to other quitters. I really thought I was strong and that for me smoking was a thing of the past but it was incredibly easy to let myself down. Had I just been waiting for an excuse I wonder but the fact remains that it was a monumental mistake that I bitterly regret for so many reasons.
It really does just take one moment of utter madness for the horrible habit to take hold of you again. I know I was weak, that it was my own fault and that I only have myself to blame but I gained nothing at all and most of all I lost something that really meant so much to me - my quit.
So it's back to Day 1 for me and I'll be making sure I don't make the same mistake again, not if I can help it!
Good luck everyone and most of all 'Stay Strong'.