Depression or something TRIGGER WARNING

I am trying to arrane fully going to the therapist for the first time now.

I feel so problematic to people, I don't want to keep being a burden to anyone but at the same time I can't help but needing someone. I just wish I could say everything that goes on in my head without hating myself for being "weak" afterwards.

The truth is I feel so lost and alone. I can't stop drinking. I either starve myself or binge eat. Drugs. Not sleeping. Nightmares. Self harm. Everything seems to be going wrong inside my head and I don't even feel like I acknowledge it cause it feels so normal at this point. I just want to feel like I can actually feel someone's love and care for me. I don't know how to stop looking for a way out. I just want to feel happy. Or good. It's been so many years now. I feel like I'm laying down on the street just bleeding snd everything is happening around me and I don't know how to get up. I feel like there is something weong with me for feeling this way, like I should just get a grip and stop it but I don't know how and no one will ever fully accept and love someone who is like that on the insidez

[Suzie40]

Sounds like there is lots you can talk to your therapist about. When are you hoping for it to start?