Help Trigger Warning

[cbonne846]

I'm actively looking for a way to hurt myself. Everything in my life is upside down. I am tired, and I feel that I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care to live in this pain. I don't care to live for my parents, siblings, husband or children. My pain has lasted more than 40 years with some periods of happiness but not enough to want to stay alive. I have plenty of support people and I have told them a little of how I'm feeling but they try to cheer me up or are concerned enough to call 911. I don't want to go to the hospital, I spent 4 months in the hospital last year. Is there anyone that feels like me right now?

[Jukieh]

Are you in the usax

[cbonne846 in reply to Jukieh]

Yes

[hypercat54]

Hi I understand what you mean. I will say though that it is because you are hurting that you want to hurt yourself physically too. But all you are doing is adding more pain to your existing one as this won't solve anything.

Do you know the cause of your pain? Is it all mental? Are you getting any medical help etc. x

[cbonne846 in reply to hypercat54]

I have major depression and anxiety. I was sexually abused since age 4. I've been married for 30 years and going through a rough time. My brother is suicidal and once his wife dies, she's in her 40's but very ill, he will kill himself and I live too far and I feel I can't do anything to change his mind. My youngest daughter is going through a hard time and I can't seem to help her, my mother who was not there for me now has Alzheimer's and lives with me. My other siblings need help and I feel I need to be there for them but I'm in a tough situation right now. I just found out I have fibromyalgia and I think the medicine is making me feel more suicidal. My mom had a heart attack last week and I didn't leave her bedside for 5 days, she just got out of the hospital yesterday.

I can go on and on...

[NHSseemstonotcare in reply to cbonne846]

I know you are in pain, I also know there is usually nothing anyone can really say that can change how you might be feeling, after all the only person who can change how you feel, is you. BUT ,and I think I can say this ,as i tried to kill myself in the past with a shotgun, you.....felt "happiness", not many times, but you felt it. Once you are dead, you are dead, and will never feel it again, ever! You felt happy once, so its a case of trying to discover how to feel happy again. What I also got was your friends phoned 911, that tells me they care about you, just don't know exactly how to help, so they phoned 911. If they didn't, they wouldn't have cared. You are loved. Friends care about you. Your brother told you what he was going to do, that tells me he doesn't want to do it just doesn't know how to deal with the coming grief.... The fact he told you says to me he want it to happen, or he wouldn't have said anything to anyone! I dont know what it is like in the USA, sorry, are there any Alzheimer support groups you could contact so you could get so volunteers to look after your mum a while to give you some rest? Write the problems down, then think of a solution to them, even if it's only temporary. Ie, Mum Alzheimer's, any support groups or charities to help? Medication, see doctor, perhaps there's an alternative medication? Daughter talk calmly to each other about the issues, or family therapy, church vicar, some sort of intermediator? Stressed out, meditation, some alone time? Childhood trauma, perhaps some sort of specialist therapy ,counselling , I think the majority if peoples problems phycologically have roots in childhood trauma even if they don't recognise or even remember it. I know mine are, but the trauma was from baby, can't remember first time I ever experienced it? What I am trying to say is, don't look at it all as one huge issue, try and break it down as much as possible, and try possible answers for things in little chunks. I do not know if this approach will work or not, but it's the one I am trying to do to try and deal with my problems, so far it has helped, not fully, but it has helped a LOT. Lol type 1 diabetes 42+ years, 4 eye conditions because of diabetes 2 of which can send me blind at any second, Epilepsy triggered by the diabetes, arthritus throughout body, nerve damage both hands, sister on heart & kidney transplant list, both parents dead, mother nursed for 6 months as cancer killed her, violence everyday with hits and needles into bones, reform school at 8, prison, kidney, liver issues, PTSD, Personality Disorder, idealistic suicidal tendencies, possible autisum, anger issues,needle phobia as you can imagine, felt happiness 1 day in my entire life, didnt even know what it was I had to ask someone what it was....oh, and i snore lol! Tried Dignitas ,but they will not take you unless you have 3 doctors stating your terminal, and you have to be over 55, as well as have the money, lol. That 1 day is the only reason I am still here, I WILL feel that way again, NOTHING is worth dying for, lol if God exists ( if you believe in such things, I don't ) he must agree with me ,both barrels of a shotgun don't usually misfire!

You CAN get through this, it WILL be worth it, you WILL be happy you did. Sound like a lot of people love you, don't be afraid to love them back, tell them how you feel, and tell them how they can help you through this. Write that list!

[cbonne846 in reply to NHSseemstonotcare]

Thank you NHSseemstonotcare, you wrote alot and it makes sense. I will make that list but I don't know what will happen to me from 1 minute to another.

[Hidden]

just keep going...

[Elfje]

I hope you read this

I know a girl have the same feeling like you

Ok

Make a list

1 what can I do when I feel like this

2 call some one that you trust

3 urgent call health people just the talk

4 meds in need

❤️Hold on

You can do this

[cbonne846]

But I don't want anyone to stop me.