Hello. I'm new to this. I've been feeling very low lately and it's come to a head over the last few days while at a festival with friends - I know alcohol doesn't help. I'm 28. I don't think I realised how bad things have become. I have always denied it to myself, tried to keep busy, but looking back, I don't think this is the first time so maybe I'm susceptible to it somehow. My family have a history of depression and anxiety.
I've just come back after traveling for three years. I didn't realise it at first, but I was running away. I put off coming back as I knew it would be very hard and it has been. I studied for a career for four years but when I got into it, it wasn't right for me. Although I worry that maybe I'm just bad at everything, as many jobs I had as a teenager didn't work out with sometimes quite dramatic endings. I decided to go traveling as I didn't know what to do because of dropping my career. I'm not someone who normally quits. I feel like a huge failure. I worked extremely hard through school and uni and pushed myself to the brink of destruction. I have perfectionism and nothing I can't seem to please myself - nothing I do is ever enough, whether it's what I do at the gym or academic results, despite being an overachiever. Maybe it stems from watching my single mum scrape together fees to send me to a good school.
I worry constantly, I feel constantly tense. I regret the past, cannot live in the present and worry about the future. I'm always trying to eat healthily, messing up then mentally scolding myself for it.
I've been back four months (not long I know) and I've got a job but got unlucky and have ended up with a terrible manager who can't manage my team. I really wanted to progress now after all the temp jobs abroad. I wanted to feel like I could see a future, but his poor management has me overloaded with a task which has been badly handed over, shouldn't be my job and is extremely complex. I know it's an opportunity in a sense but it feels so unfair. There's a girl on the other team who started later than me and she has a great workload, she's doing all the tasks needed to progress in this role. I've pushed for that kind of work, asked my useless manager and I've ended up with this. It's just my luck really.
I often wish I was someone else, but I feel guilty about this when I see someone worse off than me. I've just lived my life all wrong. O wish I could go back to 18. The love of my life, an ex, just got engaged and the other night I had a dream that I went to his wedding.
I get a lot of unwanted attention from men. I also have a stalker - I'm sure he's harmless (a neighbour, who is deaf, but messaged me relentlessly and keeps knocking on my door/following me in the car when I go for a run - I think he has a learning disability) but he puts me on edge. I can't relax anyway and I'm always rushing around. Always feeling stressed and anxious.
I've been crying uncontrollably lately. Today I looked up the least painful way to kill yourself. You'd be surprised how many people have suggestions. The only thing stopping me is how much it would devastate my mum. I'm her biggest achievement she says. I don't feel like I should be anyone's achievement.
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First of all, please take your stalker seriously. He may seem harmless to you ,but that doesn't mean anything. You should report him to the police if only to find out if he's done this before and to document it. You may need to get a restraining order.
In many ways you sound very fortunate ….your education , the traveling , your relationship with your Mother. You certainly appear to be a high achiever. As a former teacher I can tell you that my students who were perfectionists had the hardest time. Sometimes they were unable to do anything because of the fear of making a mistake. I can tell you we learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes . Our mistakes are very valuable to us, learn to use that instead of fearing it.
Is it possible you need to see a Doctor for an assessment ? It's always good to rule out anything physical.
As to your job situation, you can always work outside your degree area. Employers want a degreed person, but don't always care what it's in.
Before I write a book, let me know if any of this is helpful and we can continue or not. Pam
Hi Pam. It's hard because I'm unsure if he is just deaf or if he also has a learning disability. He knocked on my door and asked to be friends (via pen and paper) and wanted a way to contact me so we could talk. Obviously I was a bit taken aback, but I gave him my contact details. Instantly, he bombarded me with messages every day for a little over a week. I don't know who else he lives with to speak to them about it. I had to block him. Today he rang my door bell again after my friend left. I know he must be watching my house and car as he can't hear when I leave and I was getting texts like "where are you going?" after leaving the house. I don't want to get him in trouble but I also don't really want to open the door to him. Before I blocked him, I politely explained why and received a message back which didn't make any sense.
The perfectionism affects every day of my life, even down to making the wrong decision on what to eat or stupid things like that. I have been punishing myself every day for years. What's the point in being a high achiever if you aren't happy? I also think it's why I haven't found someone, no one matches up to my standards. The only person I've ever loved is with someone else.
I called to make an appointment today but my dr is away so it's in two weeks. Can I ask what you mean by "anything physical"?
I wasn't totally clear re the job - I had a job before I went away, quit it. That was the big career job. I quit in 2014. I saved some money in a different unrelated job before I went away, did something different again abroad and now I'm trying something totally new. I don't know if it's going to work out. A friend got me this job. I do find that my degree pigeonholes me regarding applying for jobs. It's incredibly difficult. This job could maybe go somewhere but part of this hopelessness is the position that I'm in with the team I'm on and the tasks I've been given. The struggle of it all is making me wonder if it's even worth it for another potential career that I don't know if I want. I always thought I could do well and be successful in my life, but I'm doubting that now. I just want to be happy.
You have proved to yourself you can learn and achieve, whatever you do now your Education whatever you decide will put you in good stead, even though your qualifications are for different subjects ?
Most people learn on the job these days, you have a brain that has got you through all that studying so it shows you are a quick learner. Take a deep breath and move on. Never look back life looks better as we make plans for the future.
Most people consider different things when young and in their teens, we never really mature into adulthood until our mid twenties. So be kind to yourself and consider what sort of life you wish to lead now, you will possibly make more informed choices now, you are more practical in your outlook
See your GP and discuss what is distressing you, Remember medications will dumb down your concentration and learning. Your GP hopefully arrange a treatment pathway that will help you move on. Try Relaxing Technique MINDFULNESS that will help you relax and clear your Mind. Personally I feel after study most people wonder and be critical of themselves when they start looking for their place in the future. You are no different, it is a big thing we all go through
As Pam explains you need to report the Stalker, I had one for several years, I was going out with this person and the Relationship failed, The Stalking went on and of for a long time and eventually it caused problems for me and family. It is best to get it stopped before it gets any worse
I travelled a great deal and eventually I managed to complete the Silk Road North and South over several years. It was a wonderful if sometimes dangerous, complex adventure and in the end I had problems considering what to do next. We now have a Dog and He is an excuse to stay in the UK.
Where did you concentrate on in your Travels. We moved on into North Africa before the dogs and one of a group was kidnapped and murdered in the Yemen and we had a forced repatriation to deal with when we flew back from Ethiopia.
Generally when young people go travelling that I knew they wrote books I wrote a work on Turkey You could do that and that may help you relate to your life both past and present. It will bring back the adventures you have had over the last three years
If you are having problems have words with your GP and He will arrange a treatment Pathway. You May be carrying some luggage you need to open and clear out
HI how can you be a failure when you have worked for a career and achieved it even if it isn't for you. Also I have longed to travel for many years now like you but have never had the courage or gumption to go for it so well done for that.
Other lives always seem better and more productive than our own but you don't know the full story. It's a mugs game to compare yourself to others so give yourself a big pat on the back for achieving so much. Be proud of yourself instead.
I would give my right arm to do be able to go to a festival but I have never had friends who were into this so have never been. You are doing brilliantly for 28! x
I didn't achieve the career. I mean, I got the job and worked in it for a year but it was awful and I quit it. The point is that I got it wrong. I chose the wrong thing to study and now I'm stuck with no direction after years of working hard at school and at uni.
Thank you. I didn't really think about it. I just needed to get away. I was also escaping my mum's abusive ex who I lived with at the time.
You're right about not comparing to others and I know that but I can't help it. Coming home and all my friends have good jobs and loving partners and their lives have moved on. It's hard not to compare. I know i need to learn how to not do it.
There are lots of different types of festival, maybe you could find one your friends would like, or find new friends to go with? The festival I went to actually made everything worse for me. Seeing my friends have such a good time and feeling awful myself hasn't helped. Maybe one day I will enjoy one again.
Looking back on my Life I took a wrong direction at College and I entered into a career that was not really suited to my needs. However I went back to Uni part time and took qualifications in Youth Work. That I worked part time at. However it did not get me out of the career I did not enjoy, it eventually after thirty years my Employer retired me out and that was the end of my prospects.
We do make errors in our early years, sometimes we know after examinations we are entering a wrong field of work. It takes guts to move on to something else you enjoy.
At that time in College I wanted to enter the Travel Industry at eighteen, that never happened I became an Engineer. The mind boggles ?
I can't stress this enough, please contact some authority about your stalker. He could escalate at any time . You could be saving your life or someone else's. Maybe he is an innocent, but I wouldn't bet my life on it.
At times mental issues have a physical origin , hormone for instance ,low iron, there are any number of benign things.
Loving someone who is with another person keeps you from failing in a relationship. It's something to think about.
I am a perfectionist to a degree, what saves me is I am also lazy. It's true. If I were trying to stop being a perfect person , I would make myself do one imperfect thing a day ,eventually it will become less stressful,You may become a perfect screw up.
It's okay to feel the way you do. Like you, as a younger woman, I had a lot of attention from men even though I tried to downplay my looks. I even grew my hair to my knees in an effort to hide my body. I'm very self-conscience. I love being 60. I have experienced almost everything you just said. Except for the travel. I always wanted to travel and felt cheated out of the life I wanted. The life I have is very hard. Depression is an awful thing. But one thing I know, everything changes. I wrote a post "If You'Re Contemplating Suicide, Please Read This". I hope you'll find it and read it. I need to write part 2.
I can tell you you do not want to die, you just want peace of mind and restored joy. Depression steals your clarity. I was a bank vice president and this was my dream job. You see, I really had no education to speak of, no college and didn't graduate high school. They didn't know that. I knew how to teach myself to do anything I set my mind to. And I did.
I still have days when I cry all day. SOmetimes over nothing, sometimes everything. I came from an alcoholic family so I never drank. UNTIL, I was in my late 40's and would buy 19% wine by the buggy full. The alcohol did make things worse but I drank for about 4 years. Maybe longer.
I can't say my life got easier, it got worse. I've had a lot of heartache and pain to the point I couldn't think anymore. I wanted to die I thought. In reality, I just wanted to be happy. I started to learn how to have joy 1 second at a time. Then 2 seconds until I realized I could be happy regardless of my circumstances. I take Celexa 60 mg to control my depression. ANd something else for the anxiety. I got shot at as a child, there were murders, suicides, my father was associated with the T**A***na mafia.
You can do this. Make your plans for the suicide if you must just don't ever go through with it. It has a lifelong devasting effect on the ones left behind.
I'll try to find and read your post. It's amazing that you came through so much and did so well in your job. I'm glad you are happy now, it sounds like you deserve to be.
That's the thing. I'm not happy all the time. I have emotional breakdowns that no one sees. I can't breathe and feel like I'm going to die from a heart attack. I have tried too hard to prove how tough I am and everybody believes it. People say "I don't know how you do it. You're the strongest person I know." Sometimes I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind. What I go through today is worse than anything I endured growing up. I feel I was born for hardship. I've prayed my hardships won't be in vain and that because of them I can help someone else through theirs. Suicide isn't the answer. I contemplated it for years. Had a plan. Several plans. The plans gave me comfort. Now I'm horrified that I ever considered it. Because through all the pain and suffering I live through day to day, the happy times make life worth living.
You have been given some great advice by this community. I agree that you must take this stalker seriously, whether he can help it or not, he is a potentially a danger to you and others, so you must tell the Police, and let them assess how much of a real threat he is. It is better to be safe than sorry!!
You say that you are looking for ways to commit suicide (please see my private message to you re *Trigger warning* addition), but your life is valuable and you are important. So what if the career you studied for isn't meant to be? Honestly how many young people go off to university not really knowing what they want to do in life, that's part of growing up and gaining life experience? You just haven't found your niche yet, but that's ok. I'm in my 60's and I have many career and job changes in my working life. It's ok!! I am more concerned about your mental health at the moment and whether you are a risk of harming yourself. So I urge you to go and see your doctor and get professional medical help as soon as possible. I appreciate waiting lists are frustrating, so in the meantime keep these Crisis support helplines handy:
Thank you. It's not only the career, it's everything at once, all brought to a head. It's nowhere near as bad as what others face, but it feels bad to me. Despite it being on my mind very often, I couldn't put my family through it, they've all been through enough already.
I agree with Pam. It might be worth talking to stalker first and let him know what he's doing isn't normal behaviour then if he doesnt stop your go to police.if that doesn't work then go to police.
It's so hard to let go of the past, I know that when I was younger I made bad decisions that I regret. As years go on I've become wiser and have learnt from my mistakes and I feel it has made me better person.
I too have days where I feel low I think lot of us do, what I find helps for me is to go for walk in countryside on my own where I gather my thoughts. I also find doing hobbies that you enjoy helps.
My advise would first address your stalker so you can feel relaxed and without anxiety in your own home.
You've had a number of great replies and I know this post is virtually "done" now, but just wanted to add something about the Deaf guy. They do communicate differently and I have worked a lot with the Deaf community. They often have extremely limited English when BSL or American sign language is their first language and their worlds can be quite small as for example they cannot take in all the information we take in just by "hearing" things out of earshot etc.
Also and probably because of the above they are usually extremely direct in their communications. Sometimes this can mean that the "social niceties" that other (hearing) people may be more attuned to have not been assimilated completely. Also you mention a possible learning disability which would sort of make sense to me after what you've written about it.
I don't mean to be patronising to the Deaf community as I have many Deaf friends. I just think yes maybe he may be a danger but first think about just trying to communicate with him that you want him to stop sending these messages. He may be not fully aware of the impact of his behaviours. You need to be very direct and firm with him. Just one or two sentences. Like please stop this. It is upsetting me. Something like that. If he doesn't stop that's when you report in my opinion.
I know this is a controversial viewpoint and I'm sorry if I've offended anybody. I'm sure the mods will edit or take it down if that is the case. Gemma x
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Trigger Warning
**Trigger Warning** Feeling suicidal 
I'm losing!
Help Trigger Warning
Trying to start over *trigger warning*
