Heavy Heart.

[Kieron89]

Hi my name is Kieron, I'm 28 year old male and I've suffered with depression from a young age after being serverly bullied in highschool.

After becoming a father to 3 beautiful children I've been suffering with my mental state. I've got to the point where I psychically and mentally hate myself, things I've done, things I've said, people I've hurt.

I don't really talk about my problems to people, keep it all inside, bottled up which I know is not good. I have attended group CBT a few years ago which is great but you carry everyone else's problems without working through your own.

I've been on sertraline for 2 Years at a dose of 100mg, went to see my GP yesterday after having a breakdown this week, now upped to 150mg but my god I feel awful today.. Dry throat, pounding head and just feeling totally senseless.

Cannot take this hurt anymore, my heart feels heavy.. Guilt stricken.. Feeling angry and get irritated at the smallest of things and I'm frustrated that I am who I am.

Had to self apply for NHS counselling, so I've got a phone appointment next friday which is so nerve wracking.

Its so easy to just think "I can just take all of these" and be done with it, but I can't do that for my children's sake, now this is what I need, my inspiration to keep going, to get the help I need.. For them.

Thank you for reading and listening.

Kieron

[Hidden]

Hi Kieron89 nice to meet you and welcome to the site. It is great that you feel able to post on here as that is a big step especially for someone who keeps things bottled up. Well done.

I was on 100 mg of sertraline which did nothing for me so the doctor upped it to 150 mg. This made the world of difference to me and I have been on them ever since. Give them time to get fully into your system and I hope you see the same difference I did.

It's very good news that you will be getting counselling. This is the way to go but it is not a quick fix nor is it particularly comfortable as you will be feeling painful emotions that you have buried for very good reasons. But you have to go through the pain to be able to come out the other side.

Meanwhile stay with us on here and we will help and support you all we can. Lil x

[Kieron89 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the reply, means a lot

Its going to be pretty difficult, but it needs to be done, I know the side effects will wear off but they are awful to deal with when your already emotional

[Hidden in reply to Kieron89]

Good. Just see this period in your life as 'something to just get through without losing the plot'. There are times in life when all we can do is hold on for grim death and pray for better times. In my experience these do come so hold on to that hope. Lil x

[Kieron89 in reply to Hidden]

Yes I will do thank you for making me feel welcome

[Hidden in reply to Kieron89]

You are very welcome. x

[Ladygrey]

Hello Kieron

I'm not on any medication and do not have a young family but can relate to your issues. I would not be able to relate to a person who had not caused any hurt in their lives.

We cannot change the past but you sound very positive about changing your future.

Your children are inspiring you, you've inspired me.

Good luck and thank you for taking the time to help others.

Take care.

Angela

[Kieron89 in reply to Ladygrey]

Thank you so much that means alot

[upandup84]

Hello Kieron, aside from upping your medication what else did the doctor advise?

I highly recommend essential oils, I myself have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years and find burning essential oils (the pure ones in dark bottles) a great help. I do this whilst playing meditation music on youtube and burning candles.

I also recommend drinking at least 2 cups of water a day if you don't usually as your dry throat and headache sound like dehydration.

Walking is a free and easy prescription that my doctor has prescribed for me this month-one I haven't 'taken' yet but I think I will make an effort tomorrow to do so, maybe put a short walk to the park with the children on your list for tomorrow-it will do you all good and make you feel good,

Take care fella,

upandup84

[Kieron89 in reply to upandup84]

Thanks for the advice, any particular oil? I will definitely try get outside take the kids and the dog for a walk and make sure I drink more! Tea is good but water is better haha

[upandup84 in reply to Kieron89]

Lavender, bergamot, patchouli and orange are my favourites, maybe try these first and see where it goes from there.

I recently read that if you smell the oil and like it that it means that is what your body and mind currently needs, after a while you may like the smell of different ones as the needs change. It's very interesting, and I would agree with this theory as my preferences change regularly.

I really hope this helps you as much as it has helped me.

[Kieron89 in reply to upandup84]

Thank you, I will try some of these put and let you know how I get on many thanks!

[Bethany_rachel]

Best thing I ever learnt was 'to keep moving forward'

[Kieron89 in reply to Bethany_rachel]

That is very true thank you

[upandup84]

Hey Kieron, how was your weekend?

[Kieron89 in reply to upandup84]

Hey upandup84, weekend was tough, but I took time to calm myself and listen to some relaxation music which was a totally different experience and that is definetly something I will keep doing.

Back to work this week which has been hard but work are being extremely supportive.

Thank you for asking and his was your weekend?

[upandup84 in reply to Kieron89]

My weekend was needed- I spent time alone remembering who I am, not a girlfriend, a mum, a mentor at work, a student or someone's friend.....I was me. I loved it.

[fidty6]

I know exactly how you're feeling. Sometimes I just want to sleep so I can't feel any of the hurt. Try not to be worried about your phone appointment, I know it's hard to step into the unknown but it's a big step you've taken so well done to you. Don't hold back, it's a tough old world we face each day x

[Kieron89]

Hey everyone sorry haven't been online past few days had a a lot to sort out.

So to update on the phone call they can't provide me with adequate counseling for the problems that I have and have given me another place to call and get help (which isn't on the NHS) shame as I was hoping that they'd provide me with some sort of stability.

So I will book in to see my GP on Monday and get him to sort something out. Work have been amazing this past week and the side effects have calmed down for my dosage increase.

Still listening to relaxing music before bed which is a great wind down after a long day!

Myself and my Partner have decided to split on mutual grounds I have a lot of heart ache at the moment, maybe its for the best see how it goes with time and space between us, so that's now added more stress in finding a place to live, sorting out seeing the children and sorting out work.

Hope you are all well! Enjoy the weekend.

Kieron

[upandup84 in reply to Kieron89]

How are things now Kieron?

You have had a few changes all at once and I hope you are coping well with them, but if not it is because you are human

I too have just split from my partner, mutual decision, although we don't have children together so that is a big difference. I'm taking things one day at a time and staying busy in a productive way in order to keep myself going. It's day 4 and I have managed not to text him (which feels strange as we didn't live together in the 6.5 years we were together we texted a lot-day and night) and I'm proud of that as I know it would be unfair to do so.

Let us know how things are for you right now,

upandup84

[Kieron89 in reply to upandup84]

Hey upandup84,

Things have got better, have totally split from my partner and I'm seeing the children every other day.

She's got a new man on the scene already so that hurts...

Making the children lie to me about stuff and they are upset as they have been bought up to tell the truth.

Overall I'm getting there, I have a PMA and I've got psychiatric appointment soon.

Sorry to hear about your seperation, if you need to talk I'm here to listen.

Kind regards

Kieron

[upandup84 in reply to Kieron89]

Morning Kieran, how are you doing? How are you these days?

Upandup84