Something is wrong with me

[ac1996]

I just made an account for this today, this is my first post. It may be a long one so to those who bear with me until the end, thank you

2 years ago I had a termination and since then my life hasn't been the same. I didnt want to go through with it but I was pressured into it. I then fell into a dark depression for 3 months and after this I had an "episode" (the only way i can think of to describe it) where I went absolutely wild. I was doing things that were really out of character for me: cheating on my boyfriend, lying to doctors about pain to get a prescription for strong painkillers which i developed an addiction to, spending ridiculous amounts of money and getting myself into debt, almost dropping out of ny college course, staying up all night, attempting to walk 1.5 hours to my boyfriend's house to "surprise him" in the snow and sub 0 degree temp at night.

This "episode" lasted maybe 3 months and then it calmed down and I was kind of normal for a while, then I found out I was pregnant again. During the first 6 months or so of my pregnancy I was depressed, but i didnt want to take antidepressants incase it harmed the baby.

Fast forward to now, I have a baby. Since he was born my mood has kicked off again. I felt depressed when he was first born for maybe 2 months or so. Suicidal and ready to abandon him. This sounds terrible but its how I felt. Then when he was about 12 weeks old I had what id call another "episode" which I now recognise but i think its still ongoing because Im still doing some things that are out of character. Cheating on my partner again, going on nights out and getting so drunk that i need to be carried home, making impulsive decisions on important things. If you look at it in black and white without knowing the background then youd think I was trying to ruin my life. But i feel like everythings stemmed from this termination and things have just been getting worse.

I dont even know what I've written all this for, i dont know what I'mlooking for on here but i need help somehow. My doctors keep telling me its pnd but i know its not.

[Hidden]

ac

Yes I understand with the first child been aborted, people do sometimes on a life bender if that is what it is, Are you still with the man who you had the first child ? and is the second from the same Father ?

If you are going through the same sort of activity, I would advise you make an appointment with your GP and explain what is going on. I feel you are showing no respect for your self and your relationship, it must have been a difficult time at the loss of your first child and the next pregnancy. Does the Father live with you or do you feel the Relationship is not that viable ?

Make a list of your problems when you see your GP a double appointment may be best.

You have a great deal to consider, it is a shame you became expectant again so soon.

BOB

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello 'ac', welcome to this community. It's obviously taken a lot of courage to share how you are feeling and what has happened in your life. You've been through a really tough time. This is a supportive community and hopefully you will find others users who have experienced a similar situation. I appreciate that your doctors are suggesting PND, and that you are not sure you agree. However, it would be helpful if you could ask your GP for a psychiatric referral to your local mental health team, who can do a thorough assessment with you, to identify exactly what you are struggling with. It maybe a combination of a number of overlapping issues. In the UK your GP is the 'Gatekeeper' to access specialist help. If you live in the UK, take a look at these links for some more information:

nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSs...

mind.org.uk/

Also take a look on the right side of this screen at the 'Pinned Post' section and click on the links to Crisis Support lines and Free Guides on Mental Health, as these maybe helpful too. Keep in touch. Best Wishes.

[20Voices]

Hi,

First of all welcome to the group and it is great that you have been able to write out your thoughts.

You say you don't know why you are here or what you are looking for. However, I think in your heart you already know the answer to that question. I did when I made my first post. You are looking for answers and for advise.

You have been through a lot and now you also have your child to think of as well, so I am sure you are here for both if you.

Firstly I would suggest that you be honest with your doctor or midwife and explain everything that you have written here. That way they can ensure you get the proper help.

You also need to take care of yourself and your baby, so you should look at eating healthily and it would help to avoid the alcohol as well. I tried to drown my problems with alcohol and it didn't help at all.

You are a unique person and you can do this, you can get better and have a great life. Keep seeking help from you local NHS and also asking questions on here is a good way to understand what is happening as,well.

Take one day at a time and remember you can get better.

Take care

[DMM218 Ambassador]

Hello. Having an abortion is a traumatic event. I made a decision to abort a child and it's haunted me ever since. I've gone on to have a daughter later in life but it's the one thing I regret.

At the time I blamed myself and felt I should suffer for my selfishness. I felt irresponsible and unfit to have children. It took many years to think of myself differently.

Abortion is a taboo subject and I know lots of women feel it's a dirty secret. This doesn't help heal the pain that can be caused. I'm being open so that you know many women have gone through this.

Reading your post, the episode you describe after the abortion may have been PND. You were pregnant, you lost your baby, I feel your body experienced the mess of hormones etc that PND is caused by.

I know you feel that you don't have PND, but if both episodes follow the change of being pregnant to not pregnant, it makes sense. PND will affect women differently, so your behaviour which appears manic and reckless would still be part of the illness. It's a bit like an extended psychotic episode, which can occur during severe depression. I'm not s medical expert and my view may be completely wrong but does it make sense to you.

You will love and respect yourself again. You will forgive yourself. You are a good mother and a good person.

Let me know if this helps. X