Hi. I keep having these strange thoughts of why am I here? What's the point in me being here? Tonight it is very strong. I went a long drive after an argument with my boyfriend, come back and it's still here. I'm sleeping on the couch to be away from him tonight as he isn't interested and calls me a drama queen. I have been deteriorating for a good few months now. I feel like I've lost everything, I had a good jobs, loads of friends, my mum, thought I was going somewhere and making something of my life. I have lost it all.
Rarely see friends as everyone is getting busier, don't want to hassle them with how I'm feeling, my mum recently lost her partner and I don't want to burden her even more. My partner is very cold and doesn't understand me saying I'm really upset. I have a job that doesn't pay the bills just now.
The only thing stopping me doing anything to myself is my mum saying a few weeks ago she can't do this without me (getting over the sudden death of her partner)
I put on a brave face for everyone but no one sees me crying so much on my own in the shower or at night when I go to bed early before my boyfriend. No one feels the pain I get in my chest and how fast my heart beats. Everyone thinks I'm fine as I was always so happy and upbeat but no one takes me seriously when I'm trying to open up about how low I really am. I scared of myself as I really don't understand why I'm still here. I feel like I'm living in my own shadow. It's a strange feeling. I never thought I would ever experience anything like this and I don't know what to do. I secretly went to my gp for help but it was overlooked. I hate being a burden and annoying people plus no one is believing me and laughing it off. I don't know what to do or why I'm having these thoughts. Anyone else feel like this and how did you get through it
Hi these thoughts are pretty normal and we all get them sometimes. It does sound like you could be suffering from depression so make another appointment to see your doctor. Ask your surgery for a sympathetic one and if you find it hard to speak just write it down and hand it to them.
As far as your bf goes he doesn't sound supportive at all and is fact quite the opposite. Is he contributing to how you feel? If so is he worth staying with? x
Thanks for replying. The doctors have diagnosed me with hyperparathyroidism disease, waiting for surgery and said that's what's causing my depression symptoms but I've been up and down for a while now but always kept it to myself. Now I'm really really struggling and genuinely think of my mum wasn't here and needed me right now, I wouldn't be either. Which is scary to think as I've never really thought like this.
He has depression himself and is a psychologist so I try to be understanding as to why he's cold sometimes as he says he needs his alone time to cope. So I do that, I'm understanding with his mood swings bit he doesn't seem to be the same with me. I'm pulling my hair really hard at night and idk why I've been to my gp a couple times but I feel like I'm being a hypochondriac but I'm just getting scared of my own head tbh
Don't get scared of your own thoughts as we all think some strange things at times. That's because we are human beings and not computers!
You will be getting the op soon like you said so hopefully that will at least help your depression. Maybe put making any decisions on hold until after that.
It seems your bf is one of those 'You support me but I won't do it for you types'. I don't believe in a one way street! To be honest if he can't be bothered helping you as well then I wouldn't be helping him. Maybe get yourself out more with friends? Leave him to his own feelings like he is leaving you. It sounds like you are taking on far too much so learn to let go a bit. x