What's wrong with me

[2580]

Hi. I keep having these strange thoughts of why am I here? What's the point in me being here? Tonight it is very strong. I went a long drive after an argument with my boyfriend, come back and it's still here. I'm sleeping on the couch to be away from him tonight as he isn't interested and calls me a drama queen. I have been deteriorating for a good few months now. I feel like I've lost everything, I had a good jobs, loads of friends, my mum, thought I was going somewhere and making something of my life. I have lost it all.

Rarely see friends as everyone is getting busier, don't want to hassle them with how I'm feeling, my mum recently lost her partner and I don't want to burden her even more. My partner is very cold and doesn't understand me saying I'm really upset. I have a job that doesn't pay the bills just now.

The only thing stopping me doing anything to myself is my mum saying a few weeks ago she can't do this without me (getting over the sudden death of her partner)

I put on a brave face for everyone but no one sees me crying so much on my own in the shower or at night when I go to bed early before my boyfriend. No one feels the pain I get in my chest and how fast my heart beats. Everyone thinks I'm fine as I was always so happy and upbeat but no one takes me seriously when I'm trying to open up about how low I really am. I scared of myself as I really don't understand why I'm still here. I feel like I'm living in my own shadow. It's a strange feeling. I never thought I would ever experience anything like this and I don't know what to do. I secretly went to my gp for help but it was overlooked. I hate being a burden and annoying people plus no one is believing me and laughing it off. I don't know what to do or why I'm having these thoughts. Anyone else feel like this and how did you get through it

[hypercat54]

Hi these thoughts are pretty normal and we all get them sometimes. It does sound like you could be suffering from depression so make another appointment to see your doctor. Ask your surgery for a sympathetic one and if you find it hard to speak just write it down and hand it to them.

As far as your bf goes he doesn't sound supportive at all and is fact quite the opposite. Is he contributing to how you feel? If so is he worth staying with? x

[2580 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for replying. The doctors have diagnosed me with hyperparathyroidism disease, waiting for surgery and said that's what's causing my depression symptoms but I've been up and down for a while now but always kept it to myself. Now I'm really really struggling and genuinely think of my mum wasn't here and needed me right now, I wouldn't be either. Which is scary to think as I've never really thought like this.

He has depression himself and is a psychologist so I try to be understanding as to why he's cold sometimes as he says he needs his alone time to cope. So I do that, I'm understanding with his mood swings bit he doesn't seem to be the same with me. I'm pulling my hair really hard at night and idk why I've been to my gp a couple times but I feel like I'm being a hypochondriac but I'm just getting scared of my own head tbh

[hypercat54 in reply to 2580]

Don't get scared of your own thoughts as we all think some strange things at times. That's because we are human beings and not computers!

You will be getting the op soon like you said so hopefully that will at least help your depression. Maybe put making any decisions on hold until after that.

It seems your bf is one of those 'You support me but I won't do it for you types'. I don't believe in a one way street! To be honest if he can't be bothered helping you as well then I wouldn't be helping him. Maybe get yourself out more with friends? Leave him to his own feelings like he is leaving you. It sounds like you are taking on far too much so learn to let go a bit. x

[Hidden]

Hello 2580

You need to talk to your GP and He may be able to assist.

Sometimes we need to make decisions in our lives if we are really low. You are not alone regards your negative thoughts however yes your GP can help and possibly give you medications, To be honest I personally feel you may be able to approach your problems and concerns and sort them in your own way. Sometimes medications will only dumb you down and on occasions that is problematic. Talking out your concerns is the best way to accept the problems you have and move on and live your life.

We all need the strength to move forward if we can in a constructive way be self critical and be brave in your outlook. Pull yourself around

You need the understanding and acceptance of your problems, I sometimes feel drugs just will make you sleep through these problems and you will not benefit from learning ways to help yourself

We are always here to talk with you if needed. You need to move on as fast as possible. Medications take five weeks to work well, know yourself first and hopefully you will be further down the line at five weeks. Drugs introduce another dynamic to your life, they do not cure, they do suppress hopefully. It always falls back on the sufferer to help themselves. CBT may help in the raw, if you feel at a later date to want to try medications they are always there when needed. Medications in many occasions can cause more problems. I am stuck on them now and you need to understand most sufferers may take drugs for a short period of time. So be selective with medical needs

BOB

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

The GP might be a female Bob. How about s/he? x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Does it really bother you?

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Yes coz it's sexist and I hate sexism.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Oh right, so people have to talk carefully on this forum in case they put something that you don't like..

Would you like to post a list of your own rules for us all to follow so that we don't upset you, or can we just all get on without worrying about you moaning about things?

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Don't be silly. As a female I am entitled to say I think something is sexist. I said it in a nice way and wasn't trying to antagonise anyone which is more than can be said for you. We should be able to disagree in a polite way with each other without resulting in silly arguments. It's unfortunately that the minority can't do this.

As far as rules go I think you should read the existing ones then you would know that slagging someone off on here isn't allowed. Nor is swearing which another member is using here. I haven't said anything about this.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

You know me ?

Sometimes now just getting down my thoughts can be a problem.

Considering I am sexist would bevery wrong. Try not to make things to complex.

Consider this a Surgery has six GPs, four are Women. would you prefer to see a Lady GP or a Male for a female problem ? If the wait would be a couple of days longer

In our Surgery I see a Lady GP, who would not perform various tests, it took four weeks to see a male GP The test were time sensitive.

You infer Sexism, I do not think so, I am back to my Lady GP now after the diversion and extended waiting time for a time sensitive test If the female GP had done the test I would have not been plagued with a serious health issue

BOBxx

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Ah you are putting words into my mouth now Bob. It was just a throwaway remark just saying that the doctor could be female. You always say 'he' when referring to doctors. That's all I said. Don't want to fall out with you. x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Hello Hypercat

I have been considering above and I will make GPs none sexual in other words Doctors are addressed as Doctor or in the UK GP, they are not addressed Mr and Mrs until they become a Consultant.

i am not falling out with you, it is something you brought up so I accept the critic.

Generally I try not to use He or She, sometimes it can slip out and as I mentioned by contributions have become more tentative with mymemory. I can write something down and loose a word for upwards thirty mins, so sometimes I need to turn things around to complete my script and a context may change slightly.

I would hate to feel the need to stop contributing so some days I need to struggle on my other and this site. We continue as best we can. Nothing negative regards contributions above. I can sometimes become tongue tied. Just getting older

BOBxxx

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Like I said Bob just a throwaway remark and I just thought you would laugh. We are all getting older. Hope you are ok. xx

[sweetiepye in reply to hypercat54]

When writing I always use the pronoun he when referring to people in general. It was the way I was taught and is still considered the proper use. To me it's a bother to write he / she unless your referring to a specific person. Different in the UK ? pAM

[hypercat54 in reply to sweetiepye]

I used to coz I am only a few years younger than you Pam. I move with the times now and tend to use a generic s/he. I thing language is important as sometimes 'he' does mean only he and other times it doesn't. She always means 'she' though. x

[sweetiepye in reply to hypercat54]

Are you saying I'm an old fart You might be right. LOL

[hypercat54 in reply to sweetiepye]

If you are Pam then I am too.... xx

[Acren]

Life is a motherfucker dude

Had a rollacoaster myself

Found out the hard way to find peace in myself

Because the sooner you realise you are on your own the better

Be strong guck the resy

[sweetiepye in reply to Acren]

Not quite the way I would put it, but quite right. Guck the resy. Pam

[Countrygirl32]

I feel the same way you feel almost daily. Maybe 1 day a week I feel normal and dont feel like I need to be gone but then the thoughts come back.. I am currently trying cognitive therapy sessions.. if you can get yourself to therapist maybe they can help u.. My therapist tells me that I can borrow her hope for the will to be here as she doesnt want me gone.. even tho I feel like there is no hope me I am going to try and borrow hers.. maybe you can have that too.. I dont know if that helps u or not.. x

[Zoea in reply to Countrygirl32]

So I just wanted to state for you and 2580 that these thoughts of your end are NOT normal and NOT something that happens to all of us. Absolute ********. I'm glad you're getting some help just keep pushing people with your truths and you should get at least enough help to start ignoring or pushing aside such thoughts. 2580, you need to be looking harder or in other places for help, and you need a new GP if the current one is worse than useless as you describe. It can take years to find a good GP, even in an area like mine West London where there are so many.

I wish you both the best and finding enjoyment in small things with a step by step approach could be an answer. It's so hard to try and help people on the net. Face to face and group sessions have been basically the best answer for me - that's a step past secondary care though so you can at the same time expect to be in the system and given or prescribed medication, though I'd say 60% + of the many psychologists I've seen have been very good.

Maybe to be honest people with lived experience sharing their stories and ideas has been better ... !(!)

Vitally, with such thoughts, that whole mental health care system's steps are just *by the by*, so keep on pushing people for the help you both deserve (and that goes for all readers with such diabolical thoughts).

[dougal2]

Hi, the good thing is your getting help. Try and stay positive make time for things you really enjoy doing, it can help break the negative cycle.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello and welcome to this caring community. As you will see you have already received quite a few replies. It is well worth talking to your GP or if necessary writing down how you feel if you don't think you will express yourself well enough to them. It helps to talk, or write how you feel, also please take time to have a look at some or the 'topic and pinned posts'. The one on CBT ('how CBT helped me get out of my own head') can be particularly helpful.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes, MAS Nurse.

[Sarah1111111]

I feel the same, sit wondering what the point of my life is. Like others have said talk to your gp, contact your local IAPT service (often called talking health/ healthy minds etc etc) you can refer yourself and access CBT and counseling either online, over the phone or face to face. They also run groups which can help.

Talk to your BF and say how you feel. It seems as if he needs support but you do too. The trouble is when we are depressed it’s often hard to notice other people’s emotions and needs so he may need it spelling out to him. Hope you get on ok xx

[Zoea in reply to Sarah1111111]

IAPTs is a very good idea honestly to me it seems that they aren't going to be able to help enough (though of course they will try and it should help). So yes by all means contact them please be open to the idea that (what I learned yesterday is called) stage 4 support (secondary care in some form) is possible the better answer for you...

Don't really want to comment on your relationship but I don't think he's really learned anything if he can't even be here to help *you*.

[Sarah1111111 in reply to Zoea]

If the person you see at IAPT, or the therapy type they try first doesn’t work don’t be afraid to ask to see someone else or try something different. We are all different and need different things. Tier 4 help is inpatient so hopefully not needed yet?

[Zoea in reply to Sarah1111111]

If I've got this right Stage 4 help doesn't need to be in an actual ward (though it can be yep) it can be regular contact with your local secondary mental health care team psychologists while you are of course still free to do other stuff at other times and perhaps a care coordinator or even perhaps regular visits to your home. Yes it has varying degrees of impact and some people may be worried about this. You don't necessarily have to be in a (generally not very pleasant unfortunately) unit ward.

[Acren]

Try to look for the best in every moment.

Even hard times end up having some meaning. Everything works towards the final good. Most of all talk to someone who will listen, your GP, a family member. Remember you are never alone.

[Tisha777]

Your feelings are important and valid. Have you looked for a new gp or therapist? Maybe find a different professional who will address your concerns?