I think I have more wrong with me than just depression :/

[Cazzy2301]

I am looking to see if anyone is feeling the same as I am and to try and figure out what is wrong with me

[Hidden]

Cazzy

Can you explain what your problem is. Sometimes when depressed or anxious many people can sometimes they do not feel well. The problem is if you are concerned how you feel it can be a good idea to make an appointment with your GP. Write a list of your problems so your GP can determine if the illness is caused by your Mental Health or not

Can we give support

BOB

[Cazzy2301]

My main issue is I feel like I have 2 personalities. My normal self (me) doesn’t want to die and is perfectly happy with the way I am but this other side (other me) wants to kill me. I started suffering from depression around age 13/14 and attempted suicide age 15 in 2016. The scary part is I can replay taking an overdose over and over in my head and I knew what I was doing was wrong but I had no control over my self to stop. I was put on fluoxetine and was on those until summer 2017 and I honestly can’t remember if they helped or not. My most recent “episode” was targeted at my (now ex) boyfriend. We were together for over a year and I would have strange feelings where some days I would wake up next to him and just think “I hate you” for no reason. Anyway a month ago one night I lost control and physically assaulted him but I could we myself doing it and couldn’t stop. He left me (understandably) and I can’t stop calling him and trying to explain it wasn’t me.

I really really don’t know what to do because some days I feel happy and am fine (normal me) but some days I want to end it all (other me) and feel so empty and lost in myself.

I (normal me) desperately want help to stop this but every time I try to talk to someone like my counsellor in the past the other me would come out and tell them everything is fine so they would think I’m okay, when actually the other me is planning to kill me.

I am so so lost and I sound crazy, I tried to explain it to my mum (who suffers from depression herself) but she just thinks it’s a “good conscience bad conscience” and I know it’s not.

I am sure this other me is causing the normal me to be depressed.

Sorry for the long message 😔

[Ramazing in reply to Cazzy2301]

I can relate 100%! I have borderline personality disorder and even today I woke up amazingly happy yet just over 2 hours ago something tiny happened that affected me massively to the point in crisis I believe I have fractured my hand.

I was diagnosed at around 15 with depression and also put on fluoxetine but I believe it made me worse. I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until my 20s, I recently turned 28, I have no medication or support at all.

In the 5/6 years between diagnosis I would be walking with my best friend who was like a sister to me and imagine punching or attacking her! She died 5 years ago this September, we was friends for 10 years yet I had those thoughts.

Hope my long explanation of my experience makes sense to you to how I relate to your pain.

You're not alone 💚

[Cazzy2301 in reply to Ramazing]

Oh my goodness thank you for your reply. Its honestly awful I feel like whatever it is tries to ruin everything for me. I have the most ridiculous thoughts sometimes and I am guilty of thinking them for example when my mum is stood at the stop of the stairs I imagine pushing her down them which is awful and I’m ashamed of putting it into words. I have odd outbursts which I have no control over but I’m not depressed all the time.

I am on a rollercoaster constantly and it’s dreadfully exhausting to the point where I think I cannot be bothered to fight with myself any more and then I think of ending it.

I’m worried because I am only 18 at the moment and I’m scared of myself and the future.

Thank you so much for your reply 💛

[Ramazing in reply to Cazzy2301]

In my opinion I think you need to tell your GP (not ask) that you believe more than not that you have a personality disorder as I was around your age when I had those thoughts regarding my best friend, I also started heavily self-harming and was ridiculous with the amount of risk I was taking trying to not only hide my feelings but feel something completely different but that has in the long run just escalated my mental health problems not helped at all.

I left school at 15, moved out at 16 and had my own place by 18 so never stayed in education (I've tried to go to college about 9 times but never finish fully) I have only ever had 1 real job and that lasted 4/5 months in 2015, I only ever had 2 real friends (one became a drug addict and the other was run over in 2014). My point being telling you this is please please please don't make the mistakes I made, get help now, open up to those closest to you don't push them away as sometimes you have those negative thoughts remember they love you! Don't ignore those invites out cos ur anxiety is acting up, I know it's hard but I always try practicing opposite urge action (if I want to cry I laugh, if I want to say no I say yes) and try get part time work or volunteer. I know it's cliche but exercise 100% helps, even a walk round your street or the park.

Don't fall into the traps your mental health is setting for you, leap and fly over them 💚

[Cazzy2301 in reply to Ramazing]

I can’t put into words how appreciative I am of your reply. It’s so wonderful to know that someone else feels the same (albeit a horrible thing)

Coming on here and putting my thoughts into words for others to see is my first step in finding out what is really going on.

The real me is desperate to get help and sort myself out because I am sick of the other me for ruining things.

Thank you so much again for your reply, I will most likely post an update on what happens next and how I am feeling for everyone to see.

You are a wonderful person 💛

[Ramazing in reply to Cazzy2301]

You are so welcome hun if I've helped you in anyway today, I've helped myself too!

Taking this first step is such a big thing to do especially to strangers at that so you should give yourself (or both of u lol) a pat firmly on your back and be proud of your steps 😊

If it helps I refer to myself also as me, the real me and the "looney me" at times we both talk but just make sure you hear your heart over your head 🤔

You Are An Amazing Wonderful Beautiful Person no matter any diagnosis.

Hope you honestly feel more like you soon and get the help/support you need 🤗💚

[Cazzy2301]

It’s a terrifying step but I know it’s one in the right direction, I just need to know what’s wrong with me.

And yes I need to think of a name that I can refer to as the “other me”.

I also hope all is, and will be well for you 💛☺️

[_Alex_]

Intrusive thoughts about harming other people aren't that uncommon. I mean where you find the thoughts disturbing and have no wish to really do it. You dont need to feel guilt over those thoughts as it's really not your fault.

What (as far as I know) is more uncommon, is that it sounds like you may have some potential--without really wanting to--to act on that kind of thought. Yeah, that isn't depression, and it's worrying.

I can only believe you need an assessment / diagnosis by a psychiatrist or psychologist in mental health services.

[Cazzy2301 in reply to _Alex_]

I can normally control my urges however like in my previous reply I have attempted suicide and attacked my ex. To me, that isn’t normal. And the thing is I don’t want to do those things but the other half of me does because it wants to ruin my life and eventually kill me in the end.

[Poohbear76]

Hi I also suffer from depression and cPTSD I read your post and it moved me, so I wanted to repond. Please try to see a doctor about what your feeling. Maybe you can get some help and advice about what your feeling. My late mother had mental health issues and I know now I am in my 40s that her behavior had an impact of me growing up. I used to imagine hitting her and screaming at her or I would make up songs to try to make her smile.

we all have our own life experience thoughts are just thoughts. I hope you find the support you need and get some answers. Your not alone you have done the hard bit making the first step by posting on here.

Take care x

[Cazzy2301 in reply to Poohbear76]

Thank you for your reply, I find it easier to write things down that to say it in person. I honestly thought I sounded crazy and I know I need to get help.

I would like to let other people know that there are others out there who are similar.

I appreciate your reply and wish you all the best x

[Hidden]

Cazzy

It sounds like it is part of an Anxiety, when it comes to feelings of pushing people down stairs I used to feel the same especially when something was said etc.

However make an appointment and see your GP, make a list of your worries and concerns and hopefully He will be able to help and send you down the right pathway for these concerns you seem to have

BOB

[Cazzy2301 in reply to Hidden]

Is it just anxiety? If it is then I feel ridiculous for thinking it was something more serious

[sweetiepye]

I only want to say that we all have thoughts that are inappropriate , thinking is not acting . If it crosses over the line then you must acknowledge it and be responsible for it. Never think that anxiety is not serious. It may not kill you outright ,but it can take your life away. You are not ridiculous , or at least not any more than the rest of us. Pam

[Hidden in reply to sweetiepye]

Hello Pam

Hope you are well. Sometimes I feel having nasty thoughts like pushing someone down stairs can lighten my Mood. I also find thinking of someone without any clothes on also is a good leveler and that can lighten any negativity I suffer from

BOB