bereavement and on anti depressants

[Leenie0811]

Hi everyone,

I've not really spoke about this to a lot of people but I'm in need of some advice otherwise my life is going down the pan. 3 and a half years ago a month before my 21st my dad died suddenly in his sleep with acute cardiac failure. He was the only one that really got me in my family and my only form of support. 6 months later my grandad (dads dad) died of natural causes or as I think he died of a broken heart losing his son must have been horrible. Fast forward to Jan 2017 my Nanna (dads mum) dies of a short battle with cancer she was diagnosed 4 months previous with a positive chance of surviving they said 2 rounds of chemo would do it and she would have surgery but it ended up killing her. So you have my background but I still have this scenario all family around me don't want to know about my mental health which has lead me to drink excessively to surpress the hurt I have. Two of my brothers are banned from seeing me because their mother isn't the same as mine she controls them even though they are 17 and 13. My own mum is only ever interested when it's her birthday or money is involved. Recently I was reported missing turns out I was on a 24 hour bender where the police and ambulance had to take me to hospital I'm supposed to be getting bereavement counselling but I've just got my phone back and found out my mum has been in contact before and after my partner called the police. She's broken the law and lied to everyone and worse still she put me in danger for another 24 hours!

I'm struggling to come to terms with everything now my family in 3 years have gone from everything to nothing and I don't know what to do I'm on anti depressants 150mg of sertraline to be exact. I've had CBT three times and have almost been close to being sectioned as a result of the missing person report I've been put on a substance testing programme at work too... how do I take control of this and get my life back on track ??

Apologies for the long post and well done if you get this far reading it 😊

[Fi68]

Hello Leenie, goodness you do have a lot on your plate at the moment. Having experienced so many significant bereavements, so quickly, you must be in a daze, at least you are getting some counselling but you say that your mum has been interfering in this? I would suggest that this is the first thing you try and get control of by contacting the hospital tomorrow, and explaining the confusion.

You said that you have had CBT 3 times, was any of it useful? I have recently finished DBT which focuses on using mindfulness techniques, and skills like emotional regulation. Just this morning I had a really painful conversation with someone about something I feel passionate about. They don't and as they are in a position of leadership in the organisation, what they say goes. Have you ever had that experience where you are both speaking but you are not using the same language? It means we will choose to leave and go and find somewhere else. That's the thing with emotional regulation, it teaches you to keep calm and hold onto what your core values are, and gives you the skills to work out what on earth is going on in a relationship. Yes, I used the skills, by boy does it still hurt. I have been stomping around the house berating myself for being so stupid to trust people again, then I have a wee cry because it just is not fair, then I hug my dog who likes to clean my face when crying then I go back to stomping. All this is much better than a year ago when I would have self-harmed.

It sounds as if your mum has got her own issues to deal with, if you can, and believe me I do know how hard this is, try not to get dragged into her stuff, at least not at the moment. You are on some meds, is this a recent thing? If the meds are not helping at the moment, keep taking them and make an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible, and when you get there ask for a med review. There are plenty of other types of medication available to try, it's just about sticking with it and finding the one that works for you.

You say you went missing for 24 hours, what was all that about? I am sure you know that alcohol is a depressant, and although you may think it gets you through by blotting out the pain, that is all it is doing, like fog rolling in and then rolling away again, leaving behind depression. There really is not much point taking antidepressants in the morning and then getting blootered in the evening with something that depresses you.Do you think you need more formal help with stopping drinking? Again my advice is to go and see your GP, be honest, write down what is happening now, and how it makes you feel, your GP will be able to offer some support and refer you for treatment if you both agree it's necessary. Don't worry about shocking the GP, don't even think about what they are thinking, they are there to provide a service to you, to help you with your physical and mental health. They really have heard it all before.

You say you have been put on a substance testing programme at work, I am going to assume that this is because they have concerns about your behaviour/absence. This is the most important thing to grab hold of and try and control. Life will just get a whole lot worse if you lose your job for this and it gets mentioned in a reference for the next job.

So, to recap - (you thought your post was long 😉), try and sort out the bereavement counselling, don't get sucked into your mum's stuff, try and use some of the CBT techniques to help you through, make an appointment with the GP, think about your drinking and try and cut it down, and finally work out a way to get to and stay at work without using drink/drugs. Phew what a list, sorry it is so long but you did ask. Notice that all these things are actions you can do, they are not dependent on anybody else. This is how you take back control.

I hope this helps, if it just a load of old hogwash, just ignore it.

Take care.

Fi.

[Leenie0811 in reply to Fi68]

Wow that was a long post fi!! I had problems with my mum before all my losses she spilt with my dad when I was just about 1yr old. She let an abusive man in our lives had 2 kids with him and then coz I told my dad about what he did to me she blames me for them breaking up. I was only 10 or something when that happened the beatings had gone on since I was 5 or 6.

The fact is if I haven't been giving her my full attention without my fiancé, buying her things, driving her, drinking with her alone or giving her money she doesn't want to know. She took my phone when the police found me and it was to try and delete my messages as I contacted her before my fiancé called the police. She lied to him and the authorities and after I got out of hospital she couldn't speak to me and when she did she told me how ashamed of myself I should be and how it's affected her Mother's Day and birthday. She used my dad against me saying he would be turning in his grave now if he could see me.

Despite all this going on I've been able to support myself financially, I have my own place, a good job, loving fiancé but when she's involved stuff like this happens where I go missing go on benders and mess my life up. She tried to convince my fiancé to break up with me she's a massive control freak.

With regards to alcohol I've not touched a drop since the bender and missing persons incident I scared myself on that one and have vowed not to drink until I have fully sorted out my mental health it's not good for me at all. CBT does help with day to day things but it hasn't helped the bereavements I can't bring myself to even think they are gone and I'm never seeing them again.

[Leenie0811]

Thank you I'll have a look on there and see what's on there. I've stopped drinking now it's only when things get bad or I'm stressed that I do drink excessively. GP and hospital think that counselling will kick that as I'll deal with the issues there which encourage drinking

[Fi68]

Well done you for kicking the drink, and for using your CBT skills to cope day to day. You sound as if you have a lovely fiancé, who cares and supports you. As for your mum, the way you describe her behaviour, it's like she is a toddler acting out and you are having to parent her. You could try to not be so responsive to her, imagine that there is a bubble around you and your fiancé and only certain people are allowed in. Just for now, whilst you try and get your head sorted, then when you get stronger you can perhaps allow her in more. Just an idea.

Fi.

[Leenie0811 in reply to Fi68]

I like the idea of being in a bubble I think she has had one to many chances now I need to keep moving forward with my life and not have these issues popping up probs going to call my GP tomorrow and see if they have had anything from the referral to bereavement counselling