I'm messed up.

[Claire105]

I've had depression since I was 17. I'm 36 now. I am on medication, lots of it. But no one seem to want to help me. I have my issues which I need to face I'm crying out for help but it's taking far too long. I've OD in the past. 5 times all together. Last time police involved as I was found on beach. My main issues are my mum's death 10 yrs ago. She was the one I turn to when my depression was bad. I trusted her with my life. The next is I fled domestic violence. I've never spoke to any health professional about this. 

I just feel so alone. My dad can't handle my mental health. Because of the domestic violence I don't talk much. Which people get angry about then shout at me. I can't handle being shouted at then I want my mum. If I feel very bad I OD. As I just want my mum. 

I no I'm messed up. But im alone and I'm screaming and crying for help and no one is listening or prepared to help me. 

Someone please help me! 😭

[Iluvhorses]

I'm here to talk if you want.

[Hidden]

You really need to see your GP, the Practice will arrange a course of treatment and some medication to help with your worries and mood. Although I understand you are having some form of treatment at this time.

One of the best ways of helping is that you talk about your problems and understand how you can come to  terms with them. Then hopefully you will be able to attack the causes and that will help you find that new pathway to a more stable life.

I understand you are thirty six and was seventeen when you first became ill. Do you still live at home with your Father, was it He that caused to assault. ??

If you are having treatment it is very important you come to terms and accept your concerns. 

You know where we are if in need of a chat

BOB

[Hidden]

Hi Claire I presume you have seen counsellors before?   If so how can they help you if you don't tell them what's really going on?   Why don't you talk to them about it?  I understand how painful it must be for you but a good counsellor will let you do it in your own time.   

It also sounds like you need bereavement counselling too as you have got stuck in the grieving process as you should have been long through the anger stage of losing your beloved mum.   Their are 5 stages of grief and the last one is acceptance.    Acceptance of what has happened and the ability to move forward with your life.  This doesn't mean that you won't miss her all your life but you need to find a way to move forward and live your own life while still holding her in that special place in your heart.   You need help with this.

There isn't much available unfortunately to help with depression and loss except meds and counselling,  but you have to be willing to be completely honest with your feelings and work hard at it too.  A lot of it has to come from you.   x

[ladeda]

Hi Claire, I am so sorry you are feeling so alone with your suffering, please don't think no-one wants to help, they do, but its not always so straightforward to do and even with all the knowledge out there, finding what suits each individual so very much trial and error, but and this is the most important fact, there is always going to be something or someone that can help.

You know yourself already that you are still suffering from PSTD and really need to talk to a trained guidance councillor, please approach you GP and try to talk about it. Building up a trust with health professionals can be very difficult, but sometimes you have to keep trying and trust that it will eventually happen. In hours of desperate need make sure you pick up the phone and call the Samaritans, they are there 24/7 and even when someone can't do much talking and expressing your inner feelings can be like letting some of the mounting pressure escape.

Do you like reading? I know I get lots of help from reading what others have written on the subject, now it seems most books can also be listened to, so on days when concentration so difficult, listening can be much more achievable, yesterday I was reading a lovely little book by Matt Haig called reasons to stay alive, its written in very short meaningful chapters that are very captivating. Sometimes writing your feelings down can also help, I am a great advocate on keeping a journal, I had started them before over the years but was always afraid someone might discover them so my paranoia would make me end up destroying them, now I have a digital one with a intricate set of devilish passwords 😂 so I can feel safe to write what goes on in my crazy head, for me its a good release, I also give my daily mood a number which shows up on a time line so I can easily see the good and bad days and may sometimes read back to see why it was a particular good or bad day, which can also help.

It's sad that your mum has gone, but she is still very much in you, please don't forget that, have imaginary conversations with her, you know what she would want to say. I am very close to my daughter and I have to keep telling her she is going to be ok when I'm gone, she is so afraid and I don't want her to be, I know I will always occupy a small part in her head and I do hope she will be able to call on those memories and find comfort when she needs it.

Please have faith that you are not always going to feel this way, there is going to be help even if I couldn't tell you where it will come from, I know because like so many others I have been caught in the crippling net of this illness convinced that this was me and I was never going to change, but that was just my illusion, it does change and life can be so worth the effort even with all its ups and downs.

Lots of love and hugs to you, hang on in there Claire you can work on this, Moni xxx

[patliputra]

It is quite clear that you were  your mums child. You have still not come with terms that your mum is no more there to protect you. That is the reason you look to other persons with suspicion. You are 36, but still afraid to face your father. Perhaps due to childhood incidents or experiences.

First of all you must over come the negativeness which is inside you. Try to think positively, not all people around you are unfriendly . Many may be eager to help you but you must open up. Talk to them about your inner feelings , your conflicts,your confusion and I decisions.

This world is bright place so try to look for bright side of life. Be happy.

Good luck 

[Claire105]

Thank u everyone. 

I had the same relationship with my dad like I did with my mum. But after my mum dead, my relationship with my dad fell apart. Selfish as it is my dad had a new partner 3 months after my mum dying. For me it was ' how can u get over someone so quick after 37 yrs together'.? The worst thing for me I blame myself for my mum dying. 

If I hadn't of messed about with her leg trying to make her laugh, maybe the blood clot won't have gone to her lung. That's what kills me. If I hadn't of done that I wouldn't be feeling the way I do. But I can't help the way I feel. Counselling over my mum I had when she first passed away. But my last counsellor told me they wouldn't see me as I'm  too suicidal and talking about it may tip me over the edge.

The domestic violence was a male friend who came to stay with me after I overdosed after my marriage break up of 15yrs. He came to stay as I was a mess and my dad didn't no how to help me. 6 months after being strangled beaten black and blue. 2 overdosers later enough was enough,  I couldn't take anymore. He has been found guilty of assault by beating on me. My bruises have gone. But it's what his done to me emotionally. I can't hold down a relationship. I'm now single and I WANT to get well! But who do I trust to tell my inner feelings too?

I'm on lots of medication. My anti depressant is sertraline 150mg.  My counsellor I don't like. My first session she pushed and pushed me to talk about my kids. Who I don't see as my ex husband won't let coz of my mental health. I have accepted that and one day I'll see them again. The next time she couldn't get rid of me quick enough. So how can I open up to someone I don't like? I can't and I won't!  I won't have others judge me.

[patliputra in reply to Claire105]

You must be feeling a bit relieved and relaxed now as you have opened your heart and let inner feelings flow out . You did it in a very precise way which indicates you intelligence as well as your composer. You see how easy it is to talk and you have friends around you to hug and embrace you with love and care and good advice. Theses friends are always there when ever you need them . Be happy.

Good ,Luck

[ladeda]

Oh sweet pea please don't keep punishing yourself over your mum's death, it wouldn't be what she would want just as she would have given the world to still be here and be able to be there for you in your hour of need. Tragedies happen and none of us can live our lives thinking 'what if' .

I know it must have been so difficult for you to accept your dad meeting someone else so soon after losing your mum, it didn't mean that he loved her any the less by any way, sometimes the pain is so bad he may just have had to have anyone in his life to fill that void. Men can find it much more difficult to talk about their emotions, let alone try to explain to you when he perhaps knows how much pain you were going through. 

I am no longer with my ex husband and I know he adores our daughter just as I do, but its been years since he has been able to talk to her, mainly because he is riddled with guilt in the life he has chosen to live, perhaps it's my maternal instinct that acts as a go between, between them even though it's just another one of those things in life that just happens this way and we all have no choice but to move forward.

It's not easy trying to find the right person to open up to and its best to ask if there is someone else you can see, someone might be an excellent councillor but still not be the right person for you, that's no ones fault just a fact that we are all so different from one another that you have to keep trying, which is even more difficult because of the NHS already having such serious short falls in the mental health sector, but its worth trying to find out what your options are? 

Moving forward in your life with so many bad memories must seem impossible at times, its down right terrifying at times and sometimes all you can do is take one single day at a time and if a day is too long take it an hour at a time, keep asking yourself what you want to do within that time and just keep trying to do it, don't worry when you can't but just keep trying. There are going to be days when things get better and some when they don't and on those days you need to muster up as much kindness and compassion as you can towards yourself in just accepting this but knowing that its going to pass and you will have better days.

There is so much that is good about life that far outweighs what's bad, its just so very easy to loose sight of these things when you feel like your own personal world has collapsed around you.

I wish I could say everything is going to be fine, but you have a journey ahead of you that may be difficult, but it is worth taking to be able to come out the other side and being able to cope. My heart goes out to you, and as a mother who very well might leave my own daughter before she's ready for it, please keep trying to find what helps you find happiness and freedom from this mental anguish. Xxx

[Hidden in reply to ladeda]

What a brilliant reply ladeda!    You said everything and more what I wanted to say.

 Claire sweetie it didn't make any difference to your mum you moving her leg,  so please stop beating yourself up over it.   The positive side is you were with her and trying to make her smile - you have nothing to feel guilty about.   I am sure she knew how much you loved her,  just as you knew how much she loved you too.  I am afraid when a parent dies (I have lost both mine),  guilt goes with the territory - you are d...ed if you do and d....ed if you don't.  It is a lose lose situation,  but you just have to accept that you did your best and that no one could have done more.   There comes a time when all of us must die but until then you have a lot of living to do.  I believe you will be reunited one day but not for many years yet.   Your mum is looking down on you and desperately wanting you to be happy and have a full and good life.   Believe this.

I agre with ladeda - sometimes a counsellor isn't for you so ask for a change.  When I went for counselling I was told this and also told not to be afraid to ask for a change if the situation warranted it.     So ask please.  

As for that male 'friend' of yours - well words fail me!   He needs shooting treating you like that.  I hope he gets locked up for life and the key thrown away.    xx

[SAMBS]

Claire First I'm going to go against the grain here, not that I disagree with support and advice you've been given so far. What worries me and you've said it more than once is that you are "on a lot of medication". The first thing I think you need to do is start looking at each and one for contra indications. Each individual one could be stopping the effects of a different one. 

If you buy and take lots of different " over the counter ones" they may be interfering with prescribed ones! Or you've collected different ones over the years, and there some of them sit in your medicine cabinet?  

You really need to understand what each one is for. Different pharmaceutical companies don't always put exactly the same ingredients in the same original or  'generic' name med. some meds come in liquid form, some in capsules, or powder coated tablet form.  Depression/frustration causing body organ and emotional stress can also lead to loss of appetite, meaning you may be lacking in some of he necessary minerals, vitamins, carbohydrates and  protein. Lack of these can contribute to suppression of neural pathways as well as physical health. 

When the body's organs stop working properly so much bad stuff  stays in the liver to be passed via the bloodstream to the brain. Also taken incorrectly, and not EXACTLY as per instructions leaflets in terms of time of day, how much water or perhaps a good quality  Vit C juice, to be taken with, as well as leaving sufficient time, I.e. A couple of hours, between some of the different ones, so before, during or after eating!   

I think First and foremost you really need to discuss all these meds you have with your doctor or one only local pharmacist, so he sees or knows them all at same time. Alternatively for yourself you can look at drugs.com - put in the different meds one by one, or listed with others,, scroll down to see what side effects or contra indications are mentioned and see if any apply to you.  You seem to be have been taking them for so long, that if necessary, it will need a slow and phased withdraŵl from some or many of them. 

So if a detox is necessary, you can then recuperate somewhat and concentrate on the actual physical aspects of your daily life with a clearer mind  and hopefully follow the advice given by others. 

We all have our own different perspectives on causes and remedies to the things that affect and dominate our lives, so I do wish you well for your future and hope I've helped a little also. 

[Claire105]

What's the point is how I'm feeling today. I'm having a very bad few days.  I've gone without medication for 7 months as I was told it was all in my head. I ended up trying to take my own life 3 times in them 7 months. So I think I'm best off on medication. It's finding out what is best for me, when I have these problems. All my medication is from the doctor. I am No druggy!  I have severe depression, high blood pressure, chronic migraine, Meningioma.  They are my health conditions!