Hi, I'm new here and need some help.

[sonnetsifter]

I don't know where to start. I'm going through a bad time at the moment - feeling very low, suicidal and anxious. I've had depression for most of my life, mum died when I was 19 - my mum and dad were alcoholics, I grew up in a violent household. Mum would be drinking lots and taking her anger out on me. Both were very distant and mixed up. After she died I moved away, tried to cope on my own. I've made 5 or 6 suicide attempts in the past, but not really had any proper care of support after them. About 6-7 years ago (after a suicide attempt) I eventually received some CBT. This helped in the short term...I seemed to get back on track. Went back to college then uni (thinking about taking a year out at the moment). Had another bad time...went back for more CBT. The counsellor said I might be bipolar, this changed to cyclothymia, then this changed to borderline personality disorder. I've never been given an official diagnosis of anything...i'm not sure what good this would do?

Sorry for the ramble. When outside or with people I feel really nervous and suspicious of them, like they are planning something I don't know about against me, or talking about me. I'm finding it extremely difficult to trust people, even my partner, she's been great and put up with me being very nasty and angry. I feel so nervous when talking to people, it's like I feel i'm hiding something and they'll be able to see it. I'm really tired of feeling this way - i feel very alone. I feel like I can't trust anyone - things don't seem real, when people talk to me I sort of phase out because I feel they are lying - it's like there is an invisible screen between me and the real world. The only thing that's stopping me from taking another overdose is my children. I feel so guilty about feeling this way. Sorry for going on so long.

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry you are struggling with difficult feelings, but I do wish counsellors wound't throw out diagnoses. They are not qualified to do that and anyway a diagnosis is only useful to professionals or if the patient particularly wants to know what a particular professional thinks might be wrong.

You've had a lot to cope with in life, what with both parents being alcoholic it sounds as though it's unlikely that there was anyone there for you in childhood at a time when you needed support and loving care. I wonder whether your parents were drinking heavily when you were really young or whether you always had to cope without their care? I wonder was there anyone else who offered support to you? When we become adults often the past feelings remain and it's incredibly hard to deal with them. I know that from my own experiences. Having to cope with violence and your mother's anger must have been very difficult for you, and it's no wonder that as a result you have difficulty in trusting and expect the worse from people. I think you've done really well to have been able to form a relationship with a partner and to care about your own children.

I'm sorry you have attempted to take your life. I understand why you've felt that way sometimes, I used to want to take my life but also came to realise that I wouldn't do that for my children's sake. Suicide of a parent is such a burden for children to carry. The one positive I get from my experiences is that if I can treat my children differently from the way I was treated then at least the cycle of harmful parenting will have been broken. You can't be a perfect parent but at least you care about your children and think about what they mean to you.

It is difficult to find an outlet for all the difficult feelings, particularly anger. Like you I used to feel as though there was a screen between myself and the world - it's called schizoid and is a way of remaining cut off from feelings. Probably you learned to do that as a child the same as I did. It is a healthy self-protective measure which also protects others, probably you feared your mother's anger when you were a child and probably now you fear the extent of your own anger too, the screen is your way of protecting everybody.

With the cuts in services there is very little support and longer term therapy available on the NHS nowadays. Ideally you need longer term therapy but it is so hard to find. It should be freely available, but often isn't, particularly within the NHS. Depending on where you live there are sometimes specialist psychotherapy outpatient services available, particularly in major cities, but a more likely place to search for help is to find a voluntary organisation that offers therapy to survivors of abuse - you may not see yourself as having been abused, but to have violent and angry alcoholic parents when you are a child is abusive. You can google to find charities that offer help by putting in your postcode and then perhaps mental health services locally, I tried all sorts of different searches and did eventually find local counselling cahrities.

It's really important to let yourself cry for the child you were, and the effects that your childhood has had upon your adult life. It can be scary to grieve for oneself as it may seem you are worse, crying often bothers people more than irritation or anger and medics often see a need for medication, but if you are able to talk with your partner and cry with her then that should really help and will also strengthen your relationship as she will understand why you are so angry nd forgive you. She may also need to share some experiences of her own.

Sorry I can't offer easy solutions, but there aren't any.

Sue

xxx

[Getting-By]

Hi

Welcome to the forum good to meet you. You will find good support here from others who can relate to what you are going through. Sue has given some great advice and support so I just wanted to pop in and say Hi.

Getting-By

[aug2012]

Hi

I have general anxiety disorder (GAD) with depression and suppressed inner rage, and I've been trying to figure it all out recently and what I've discovered may be insightful for you, because you have a massive load of inner emotional baggage, just like I have.

I've discovered that all the terrible stuff we've experienced as children and in our teens/youth that we pushed down and suppressed deep inside builds up until we get older and it manifests as inner rage - and this comes out as being very irritable, frustrated and anxious - all this leads to us being depressed and suicidal.

You need to get to the roots of the emotions you're suppressing deep inside - look way back and work forward to the present day - properly and deeply think about each and every time you got hurt, but had to stow it away and suppress how you felt.

When you realise where it all comes from you'll find that it naturally empowers your being with a new kind of fortitude to get your feelings into perspective and to think more clearly about the present.

That's what I'm doing at the moment, because I was in a terrible desperate mentally/emotionally wrecked place. But now it's all become clear to me and I'm looking into ways to help myself heal and deal with those past hurts so that I'll be strong in the present.

I hope this helps you in some way.

Best of luck with everything.

[bil12]

Hi..

All i can say is that u are not alone in this.Trust me there are loadzz of people going thru the same this very moment.The fact that u have realised that you need to come out of it and joined this forum is a very good step towards healing.There wud come a time when all this will be a moment of past and you will look back and smile.Have faith in god and start taking small small steps.

Gud luck

[sonnetsifter]

Hi folks,

Thanks for all your kind, helpful and insightful replies. They've really helped me at the moment. I've been going to a counsellor for the past year and a half - this has helped, but I seemed to have reached a point where I feel 'stuck' - I get a physical sensation in my throat that feels like something is inside, trying to get out...it causes me to gag, breathing is difficult and I begin to panic. Who knows...maybe I'm getting too close to something I can't remember from childhood, or maybe it's just a result of all the things I've already been talking about with my counsellor. I went to my GP and am back on anti-depressants...citalopram.

It feels good to know other people understand what I'm going through. It's also refreshing to be so honest for once. I'm thinking about going to a local support group.

I hope you're all doing ok too. Many thanks for replying to my message.

Take care.

[Hecter]

Yes you are here with people who understand and may be able to help you.There will always be a variety of suggestions.You are lucky to have had the services of a councellor for so long - I just feel written off by professionals. so make the most of everything that is offered your way.Medication or talk may be the best for you.Good Luck