My life has been a wreck since I was age 5. My mum passed away when I was 5, she had an immediate heart attack. It caught my dad and everyone by immediate surprise. I also have a sister who was only 3 when her mother passed. After her death I started feeling all these intense, complex emotions. I remember her well and the night she died. Anyway the emotions stemmed from my mother passing and my dads lack of attention towards me. I was very much neglected and quite frankly spoilt. My dad gave me everything I wanted yet paid no attention what so ever on me. This is obviously to compensate for my mothers loss, and the fact that I would catch him sleeping with other woman at the age of 5. I may not of had a bad up bringing seeing that my dad was wealthy and a diplomat. Although I did have it very tough, especially having no parent to look up too.
Pretty much over the years I got old of it, especially of my dad. I'm sorry for not introducing my background for the people that do read this. My name is josh I'm 17 years old and I have lived all around the world. Pretty much after my mum died my dad went out with various women that I HATED. There was constant jealousy as I never received an "I love you" or anything, everything was directed towards him and his girlfriends. Eventually my dad got married in 2010 with an American woman named Diana, seeing that I'm British and so is my father and sister. I absolutely dreaded the night of the marriage. I still wish I wrecked it to this day, I feel like my mum could of been in that position, instead it's an American bitch that I hate!
Anyways moths past and I started getting into drugs and alcohol. I also started to stand on my own two feet as I moved back from America to England. I previously lived in Barbados and china, I was born in London,England. Anyways our move back to London was some what a relief. I was with my family and started making loads of friends. I went to my first public school and was mixing in with the wrong crowd. However I did it on
Purpose in a sense to disappoint my dad as I hated him and still do. However I thought to myself that I better make my mum proud of me and turn things around. That is exactly what I did, something inside me told me to do it for mother, the woman that left her 5 year old son in a night, odd really?
As the year transpired I landed top grades and was doing exceptional. Everything was balanced and proper. However we had to move AGAIN!!!!! Back to America we went due to my fucking step mums job. Me being moved and tossed around yet again by my damn father and step mum.
This is pretty much where all the revelations and symptoms REALLY start to kick in. So over the month during the summer that I was off school and back living in America having left my school in London. I was feeling really depressed and down, something that had really only rose after my mothers death. You see I had ALWAYS been an extremely smart child, and very manipulative from
an indeed young age. After my mothers death, my intellect was kind of shifted towards a more evil and sinister smart. On terms of extreme manipulation of my father after my mothers death and having disturbing thoughts and plans, furthermore being very deceptive and deceitful towards most people especially the ones closest to me, I.e. My father. These signs had always been with me, however now they were more illusory then ever. What I have been experiencing from moving back here has been, a constant wave of anger, hatred towards everybody, extreme lying, skipping every class, being rude towards everyone(including teachers), always tired, wanting to kill everyone, masses of frustration and irritation for no reason, high level of manipulation, deceitfulness, mix of covert anger and outbursts, blaming others for my position that I'm in, seeing shadows, every night I say "good night" to my mother, no one understanding my condition(including myself), constantly over analyzing situations( including making self diagnosis due to small signs), constant sleep pattern( go to bed, wake up at 2:00, 5:00 then 6:20), I play games with my parents to worry them more, always agitated, can't keep still, no concentration levels, bored extremely easily, no focus on important things( only focus on video gaming, soccer and my rap music that I listen too). I have previously been admitted into hospital this year twice in one month for depression, however I feel it's something else. Also the transition has been tough aswell. And my parents give me no freedom, they simply don't trust me... That's pretty much where I am right now. Any answers? Sorry if this has been rushed, I'm typing this up via my iPhone 5s...