I have been depressed for roughly 7-8 years. I'm turning 18 this year. My childhood was very isolated and I was bullied. Whilst recieving no help from teachers in any of my schools. I showed signs of aggression throughout this time. I am now in a position where I am diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. I'm currently retaking my first year old College and I hope I'll become an Engineer. I'm finding my motivation is dwindling, not only in my work, but in the journey to get better. I think in my mind I am used to failing again and again, perhaps I don't think I can get better. I am currently on a waiting list for counselling. I have been waiting 7 weeks, within 3 weeks I should hear something from them. I've tried to reach out for help from a variety of sources, but I feel paranoid about them. I frequently get thoughts that they hate me, they don't want to help me, I'm being annoying to them. They already have enough stress themselves, they can't help me. I struggle socially which is a really big trigger for me. I am no longer being bullied, I have a good circle of friends, but I can't enjoy it. I rarely meet them outside of college and I feel myself withdrawing more and more. My depression normally comes in waves, each wave tends to get worse and worse. For the past 3 weeks I have cried every day and I fear I may have a psychosis. I've also had worrying thoughts of suicide. I feel really confused and irrational sometimes. I don't know where I should go for help. The facility's where I live aren't that good and I don't know where emergency places are.
I needed somewhere to let this out, and I'm hoping some of you could share your experiences with me, or give me some advice. Thank you for reading.