New here, I need a hand

I have been depressed for roughly 7-8 years. I'm turning 18 this year. My childhood was very isolated and I was bullied. Whilst recieving no help from teachers in any of my schools. I showed signs of aggression throughout this time. I am now in a position where I am diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. I'm currently retaking my first year old College and I hope I'll become an Engineer. I'm finding my motivation is dwindling, not only in my work, but in the journey to get better. I think in my mind I am used to failing again and again, perhaps I don't think I can get better. I am currently on a waiting list for counselling. I have been waiting 7 weeks, within 3 weeks I should hear something from them. I've tried to reach out for help from a variety of sources, but I feel paranoid about them. I frequently get thoughts that they hate me, they don't want to help me, I'm being annoying to them. They already have enough stress themselves, they can't help me. I struggle socially which is a really big trigger for me. I am no longer being bullied, I have a good circle of friends, but I can't enjoy it. I rarely meet them outside of college and I feel myself withdrawing more and more. My depression normally comes in waves, each wave tends to get worse and worse. For the past 3 weeks I have cried every day and I fear I may have a psychosis. I've also had worrying thoughts of suicide. I feel really confused and irrational sometimes. I don't know where I should go for help. The facility's where I live aren't that good and I don't know where emergency places are.

I needed somewhere to let this out, and I'm hoping some of you could share your experiences with me, or give me some advice. Thank you for reading.

13 Replies

  • Hello muffin, I rarely go on this site, but I noticed your post in my emails and I just want you to know.. your could be over thinking things, I have similar problems when it comes to socialising and I have never done counselling before I feel the same way, trust issues here 😐 I tend to think people talk about me or think I'm annoying even when I ask if I am being annoying, I think I am annoying like all my problems are annoying, I never fully express myself because I don't know how with words that I think, and even when I try it doesn't come out right or doesn't make sense. Anyway I am blabbering on, I just want you to know good job for venting here feel free to anytime you're feeling like s***. Your doing well because your actually wanting to get help and taking action it does take time to find the right person to talk to and I hope you find someone asap because you're worth being heard, like everyone else, don't ever think you're weird because your unique. Maybe a hobbie could distract your time at times and maybe have a friend do it with you so you are also communicating with a friend and not feeling like your pushing them away because you probably aren't it's probably your mind thinking it and overthinking it. Not everyone gets to see their friends or family every day some people see them once a week or a month and in some cases I only get to see my best friend and I'm sure my only friend once a month and the last year every few. Month but I know when I see her it's the same we are still as close as ever even when we don't talk and it's comfort of knowing your there and trying. I'm blabbering on again. So sorry I just suck at giving advice and stuff haha think positive and smile. Your amazing and I don't even know you but for some reason I care what your thinking and maybe your looking for something and that's why your a little lost I'm not sure but yeah think positive my friend 💙

  • Thank you! What you've described about feeling annoying is exactly what I go through, I can really relate! It means a lot that I'm not alone with those feelings. I will try to talk to my friends and find a hobby. I think that will be really helpful and help me connect with others. This was really good advice! <3

  • Hello, Muffin, firstly good choice , for many of us becoming an injuneer offers such a wide choice of useful jobs. You won't be as highly regarded as a doctor or lawyer but on the whole engineering is probably more interesting to more people and its not too badly rewarded.

    If you've been diagnosed by a medic as having depression and anxiety your first priority is to deal with that. Its not simple or easy as medical science understands far too little about them. They do know enough to help a bit . make sure you get that help. Read Jim Phelps American site .Its mainly for a more serious form of depression than you probably have but contains much good advice on drug free ways of combatting depression. Try and follow the advice, depression and anxiety are a burden and you need to give yourself all the help you can to fight them. Your GP might also prescribe drug treatment. Thats not the end of the world and Phelps is good on that too. In some ways anxiety is easier as there are many books on mindfulness, relaxation techniques,breathing exercises etc.which offer self help. A library will have a lot of these, read a few and you can apply the techniques yourself. You might also find a relevant course locally.

    As some encouragement I'm 73, obtained an engineering degree, and had a successful career and suffered from bipolar 2 for most of my life. It makes life harder but far from impossible and as a bonus its character building. On the whole I'd have gone for an easier life and less character but hey, you've got what you've got.

    Work hard on maintaining those friendships and not withdrawing. Friendships and social interaction are so important with depression. Almost as important is your own courage and resolve, whatever transpires you are not going to let it beat you.

    Work very hard at your studies when in a more positive frame of mind. You'll find it harder when depressed and you need as much in the bank as possible for those periods when you're not so positive. Which brings me to motivation. Difficult ,so few people have enough of it ,including me. My son while at University was losing his motivation and phoned me for help as I'd been on loads of management/motivational courses. I could only tell him that basically the strongest motivators were fear and reward. If he did n't pull his finger out he'd fail, not get a good job, have less money, probably be less happy through life, marry a bat ,etc etc. Same applies to you. Work and self discipline have to come from yourself and they are n't easy . The good news is that if you start them they do develop into habits and it gets a bit easier. This again comes down to your own courage and resolve. No one else can do the work for you. You've got to do it. There's no magical easy way.

    I'm pretty old and have therefore a fair experience of life . Everyone experiences bad periods in their life and as a result practically everyone has thoughts of suicide (suicide ideation) as an escape at some time. That's normal ,so don't worry overmuch about that but do try and minimise it. Suicide is never a good option and as far as I know you can't recover from it

    You almost certainly don't have psychosis. To explain ; most of your body ,arms, legs,stomach etc does what its supposed to do or you tell it to do. The exception is the mind which is often too smart for its own boots and when you are depressed it takes advantage and works against you sometimes by making you imagine things that are n't true. Such as you are psychotic. Try not to let it do this (difficult). One thing that will help is don't do overmuch thinking about your depression. You've got enough to do with what I've written already. By all means find out more by reading Phelps and ways of coping with anxiety but don't overthink it. A little introspection is good for all humans but more than a little is very bad for you. Cut out some of the thinking and get on with doing and enjoying life as much as possible altho if you suffer depression enjoying life certainly does not mean much alcohol and certainly no recreational drugs.

    Best of luck , I do hope you get a good counsellor. They vary but don't get paranoid , ever, about them. The poorer ones won't do you much harm and if you get paranoid about advice and counsellors you'll likely to miss something when you gat a good one.


  • I really appreciate this advice. It's also inspiring to hear that mental health does not limit a person in life. I understand when we're dealt a tough hand we've just got to play with it. But I guess I'm in denial, my mind is dead set on "It's impossible to succeed, impossible to get better, impossible for you to reach your goals". I hope day by day, these thoughts will get easier to shut up or something. I used to always have this subconscious feeling of "get up again, keep going, don't give up". But recently that's gone. I feel like I don't have a reason to get better, which is very sad to admit. Forcing myself to think positively is really difficult too. It's tough to get better when you don't really want to get better. My brain seems to be set on giving up, perhaps it's burnt out from worrying about it too much.

    I definitely agree with you that I personally overthink. I worry about my mental health, being social and my work 24/7. It never stops. I think this is why it's becoming harder and harder for me to work for long periods at a time, i've been breaking into tears for no reason and I can't focus in general conversations or in classes. I will try to seek support from my College. Today I told my tutor that I need some help and things have been getting worse recently. I hope they can put some extra classes for me to go and work in. I will also message my friends and organise a study date with them. Mindfulness is something I've never fully tried, I already believe it won't work. Perhaps I should give it a chance.

    For working to be a habit for me sounds like a dream. I want to be a hard working student. I guess I keep expecting someone to say something that will change everything instantly. But Depression isn't like that, it's a long and tough battle.

    Thank you for your time and the reply, it was lovely to read. I will check some books from my College library tomorrow and get reading. I will try to get a GP appointment if things don't improve so I can be put on antidepressants (I tried to get an appointment ages ago, but the reception was closed. Appointments are difficult to get at my surgery).

  • Hi, just want to say I was and have been just like you and suffered years of being isolated. I did overthink things but there are often reasons you do that and switching it off can be difficult. I was suicidal and struggled socially. I still do struggle socially and really have to push myself. I find comfort in being isolated if that makes sense. I can be in a room full of people and want to leave due to anxiety, confidence issues. I actually got diagnosed as Aspergers about 5 years ago and that explained everything to me. It explained how I never fitted in and how I reacted to situations. I am not saying you are but it was just the journey I took. I too found mental health services very poor and found myself going round in circles. Counselling never helped me as I found it too hard to verbalise how I truely felt at the time and I was numb.

    It's really positive that you have a goal to become an engineer and I would say the best way forward is not to put too much pressure on yourself or to think badly when you don't achieve something. Just live day by day and pick things you enjoy and enjoy them bit by bit. It doesn't mean you have to be smiley happy ecstatic everyday just little things.

    To be honest no mental health service or thing makes you well. They can help on the journey but you have to work on doing it yourself in the long run. Its not easy and there's no right or wrong way but yep try not to self talk yourself into people don't like me, I am useless etc that's the hardest bit but the most crucial bit. I still get it now from time to time but found ways to divert my head so that I don't sink deep into that pattern. Cognitive behavioural therapy may be useful for you because that helps in those areas. Hope things get better.

  • Thank you for the reply! I will try to live life day by day one step at a time, but it can be super difficult. I have an image of the person I want to be, she's happy and social, a hard working student. I'm currently very scruffy looking day by day, pretty much wearing the same thing. It doesn't reflect who I am very well. In that way, I find it very difficult to just be me. Can I ask you how isolation impacted (if at all) your identity? For me, I feel as if I tried too much to please others and lost myself along the way. I didn't give my personality time to grow, so I currently have a strange crisis of not exactly knowing who I am. However, day by day I have an image of who I want to be. I can't expect myself to be perfect. But for once I just want to feel decent if that makes sense.

    I am currently in a "what's the point" state. Which is really frustrating. I'm sitting here, weeks away from my exams and there is 0 motivation to work. It's more that "ugh I don't feel like it" It's "Why would I waste my time when i'm going to fail anyway". It feels unbeatable. I also have the fear of "I should have worked last week" or yesterday, "it's too late to start now". Sorry, went off on a tangent, I kind of needed to let out what I was dealing with today.

  • That's fine it's good to let things out. I am not sure how isolation impacted me to be honest it varies it's been destructive at times when I have been very depressed but then I get comfort and safety in it if that makes sense? It's about striking a bit of balance so that it doesn't become too destructive but then at the same time I do like it also. I had a pretty isolated childhood and think I just learned it from an early age. I still enjoy being around others but only my kids mainly. Haha!

    I get what you mean about giving too much and not giving your personality time to grow. I tend to very often jump through hoops for others and always get trampled on. i think once you accept you are the way you are and you do have good qualities then things begin to get better. I wouldnt put too much pressure on yourself to be a particular way. You are you and you can achieve anything you put your mind to, just like anyone else.

  • I get what you mean about enjoying isolation sometimes. It might be introversion, but every now and again it's nice to be alone. I personally can't get any enjoyment out of other people at all, talking to them completely exhausts me. I'm fortunate enough to have a supportive and loving boyfriend. When I talk to him it feels the only time I don't have to put on a show or be fake, as I am with others. It can be a lot of pressure sometimes because I believe I have to be entertaining. Even if I can't be 100% what I have in mind, I'd like to make it part of the way there. For some reason, no matter how many times I get kicked out, I always want to get involved with people and society. I just feel so disconnected from it all. Perhaps what I imagined it to be like isn't it at all, or maybe I'm looking at it all through the depressed lense. Another thing I find is the impending doom of "everything going downhill it will never look up" whereas others I have spoken to have the "things will work out in the end" type of outlook.

  • Are you on any medication for your depression? If so it may be that what you are taking isn't great for you or needs increasing. It can take so long to find any meds that help with depression and anxiety and what works for one person, may not for the next. It's good your boyfriend is supportive.

  • I'm not on any medication at all. I considered going on some, but getting a GP appointment where I live is tricky.

  • I would consider it. Just to lift your head above water a little. Sometimes it's just a temp thing until you feel ready to come off x

  • I will try my best to get them asap. This may take a while though :c

  • Hey I just want to let you know you aren't alone. I have struggled with depression for 6 years going on 7 years and I can tell you everything you explained I'm going through it too. It's hard. Sometimes I want to take my life sometimes I want to take others around me but I don't act on others I just walk or storm away. Theirs been nights I cried myself to sleep just cause I don't sleep at night their are days I don't want to eat or talk to anyone so the fact that you do have a close circle of friends is good. If you would like to talk you can just message me if you want.

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