Help.. Am I a Freak?

[jaspertj1]

Hello there this is my first post

I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember - around 10 years. I had a pretty normal childhood but was bullied in school by a group of friends when I was 13. I became so depressed and anxious at this time and started self harming every day, I didn't talk to anyone about it but I was so suicidal. After about a year of these feelings I decided to go to my school counsellor, who basically did nothing to help me. At 15 I went to the GP with all these feelings and they just sent me away. Since then I have not had consistent help to deal with my issues at all, I have struggled through school, college and now university. I have had some toxic abusive relationships (friendships and boyfriends) and a few years ago was sexually assaulted. I have a lot of trauma in my past but I feel that it affects me so much everyday.

I dont know what to do and I feel like a freak, I have such a good life now but its like I'm stuck in my 13 year old mind. I suffer with panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, low mood and depression, anxiety, a lot of avoidant behaviours, self harm and suicidal thoughts and ideas. I feel like I have a big dark poisonous monster inside me. I can cope for a few weeks and things feel good then it comes crashing back down to being so low... I just don't know what to do I have been on antidepressants for four years and been to a few different courses and CBT sessions. Nothing helps and I don't feel normal. I have a voice in my head telling me to do things for example smashing a glass and cutting my self. I feel so low inside me, motivation is so low and my head just doesn't feel like mine. It affects every aspect of my life and I just want to be normal. I don't feel like I will ever be able to have a full time job as I cant cope with the stress and also feel like I will never be able to have children because of how unstable I am in every day life. I am so unpredictable and I just feel like a freak. I have really impulsive behaviours such as smoking (a whole packet in one go), drinking, spending lots of money, and previously used lots of unprotected sex with men to feel better. I am not well and crying out for help but it just takes so long waiting to be seen. The GP and uni knows my current feelings but I just dont know what to do. I have a primary diagnosis of depression but unsure if this is the case. On waiting list for a psychological assessment. Just want some advice, tips, reassurance anything that I am not the only one. I feel like a burden to family, friends, boyfriend and because its gone on for so long I just get so guilty from putting everyone under the stress

Any messages are greatly appreciated. Thank you guys sorry for the long post.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello jaspertj1

Thank you for your message. I am so sorry you feel like this and have done for so long.

It is positive that you have shared some of this with your Uni and doctor. Hopefully your assessment will take place soon.

Sometimes it can help to write things down, it can also help to write down your thoughts before seeing the doctor or psychologist.

Do you have family or close friends that you can talk with?

Our members. Any have some experiences that they can share.

If you are in the UK

MIND at mind.org also have a helpline

0300 123 3393

The Samaritans have a 24 hour freephone 116123

You can call NHS 111 if you need some help

Or 999 if you feel things are more urgent.

Please get back to us and let us know how you are getting on

Best Wishes

[jaspertj1 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Hello

I am hoping that i will get some help soon!! I will try writing down my feelings and thoughts and see if that can help me

Thank you for this reply ❤️ I do talk a lot to my family and my boyfriend but I feel so guilty for talking about my feeling s and making everyone worried so it just adds to my bad feelings some times

Thank you ❤️

[lillyofthevalley37]

You have been through alot but you can.heal from this , that really is the main thing I want to say , don't rely on ssri drugs as they can deplete dopamine.

Your story is very much like my daughter's and thousands of other young women you are certainly not a freak don't judge yourself too harshly

[jaspertj1 in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

Thank you, hopefully i can heal from it, just feels like a never ending cycle of pain

I am glad to not be alone and I hope your daughter is doing okay, sending lots of love

[Kainan]

Hi. Through reading your story and the ways you describe yourself, I can't help but draw parallels to my own. I might not have gone through the exact same things as you, but there were certainly many moments in my life that didn't turn out the I thought they would and I felt utterly defeated and hopeless. And those moments I guess, stick with you for a long time, and seems like they become part of your identity at times. To this day, because of the negative things that's happened in my past, I still have a hard time reaching out and letting people into my life. Along with a host of other diagnoses, I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, and that really opened my eyes because it explains so much in my life; of why I choose to avoid and isolate in particular situations, and situations that are seemingly innocuous but I perceive as dangerous. It's what I always did in school and in high school and college. High school was a nightmare, but somehow I got through it. With college, I cannot get through it even throughout the years, I feel like it requires a healthy mind and a whole skill set that I seem to lack, because I've never developed those skills. So I very much understand when you say you are stuck in a 13 year old mind. It's the not understanding how things are and the impulsive behavior. I've got scars on my body to prove it. Still to this day, I've never had a girlfriend and I'm on my way to hitting 30. But the thing is, the pain and our memories of the past do not identify us. We are much deeper than that, our inner being is alive and much brighter. All we have to do is take a minute to listen from within. There, stillness and peace reside. I am still working on myself, bringing some light to shine on the darkness. I hope you will too

[jaspertj1]

Hello i am so grateful for this reply.... I am so sorry that you have had to deal with these feelings and i just wanted to say we are in this together... for a long time i have felt like no one has understood me and that i’m different from other people which has really affected me too... thank you so much you have given me so much comfort with this reply.. i can’t even explain it. hopefully your positivity can radiate onto me ❤️ sending lots of love and hugs to you and thank you again

[Kainan]

You're welcome. It's no problem. You know I would never speak about this to anyone, but on here, it feels so much easier because everybody is going through similar issues and on that same journey so it's easier to relate to one another. You may have a painful past; we all do, but it's not a part of our being; it is not a part of our identity. We only give life to the past when we think about it. It doesn't have to fester and grow into a monster that wrecks havoc on your mind. It's all a mind trick. Once we pay attention to it, the chains of negativity start to asunder. We just have to be present and bring the light to dispel the darkness. Lots of love and ((hugs)) to you

[Sunshine425]

💔💔

I feel for you. I had and still have very similar feelings... you are far from 'crazy' you are suffering. It is all valid. I hope you can find the support you need to feel safe and secure.

[jaspertj1 in reply to Sunshine425]

Thank you for this ❤️ Hope you’re doing okay too