Why am I so abnormal?

[MuffinChops]

I don't know what's wrong with me, I used to think I knew, but now I don't have any clue. I feel so lost and confused in myself, I can't even come up with a list of things that COULD be wrong, I'm that confused. (That sounded like some sort of poem or book, lol!)

I take 80mg of codeine per day, 5000mg of paracetamol per day, I eat less than 700 calories, I smoke up to 30 cigarettes a day, I hardly drink water, I only leave my bedroom to go to the toilet or to ask my mum for more painkillers. What the heck is this? I'm only 18!

Others my age are going in to town drinking, studying at College, smothering my Facebook wall with happy stories, having the time of their lives basically. And here I am, alienated and lethargic. I feel ill all the time, yet there's nothing physically wrong with me, I've had blood and urine tests done = nothing!

I'm not your average teenager, I hate socializing and will do anything to get out of it. I feel so depressed because anxiety ruined my School and College experience, I skipped classes constantly and was always bullied, for no reason.

Now I'm an 'adult', and my childhood experiences have left me completely afraid of the outside world, I don't even walk my dog, or step outside the house for that matter, yes, I'm 100% serious. I don't bath for weeks, my hair is all matted, not tangled, MATTED! Because I'm too depressed to brush it, or wash it. I never brush my teeth or even look in the mirror, I wear pajamas's all the time. I sleep all day and awake all night playing on my Xbox, talking to people I don't even know, that live miles and miles away. I have a fiance, that I only see once per week, and that's reluctant, if I didn't want to upset him, I wouldn't see him at all. I hate humans, can't stand them, if anybody invades my 'bubble' or my bedroom, I get very upset and want them out, I'm quite happy spending my entire time alone. I never get intimate with my fiance, not even a cuddle, it makes me want to puke.

I am seeing a drug rehabilitation therapist currently, and have been through countless other therapists and family workers, but none have given me any sort of insight as to what exactly is wrong with me.

I feel reckless, wanting to mix with the wrong people, disobey, mess my life up completely, and I feel sad for wanting that, but I can't help it. I want to be 16 again, go back to College, when I was 16, that was the only time I was happy, when I was 17 I fell depressed again because I dreaded becoming an adult, and now I am an adult, with my job seekers appointment tomorrow, oh what a joy it is to live - NOT. I can't work or study, because the anxiety and lethargy is so strong. I can barely stand up without wobbling, falling over and walking in to things, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack or something, I'm really un-fit.

It has been this way for 2 years solid, I'm not living at all, just existing. Congratulations to all the horrible people that have made me this way, you've succeeded, hope it was worth it!

[MuffinChops]

I'm getting the raised eyebrows from family because I don't want to go out or even take my driving lessons and tests, my family offered to pay but I just don't want it. I haven't met anybody that thinks like me, I believe I'm still a child, I always think about being a young teenager again and I'm green with envy over young people because I want to be that age again, I don't think it's normal.

I'm being referred (again!) to an eating disorder clinic because the way my eating has been and is, and the fact I've lost 7 stone in 10 months is making everyone think I have an ED, I get called 'twiggy' constantly, it's very annoying as I hoped my weight loss wasn't that obvious. I went from being called FAT to twiggy in just under 1 year lol! I'm not sure which I prefer... xD

Thanks for commenting so late, I'm really tired too but my brain is in over drive, about to have another pill, FML

xx

[borderline61 in reply to MuffinChops]

Just going to bed....but felt I might comment just to let u know I've read ur post. U will find others similar to you. I also think it would be impossible for folk to not notice a 7stone weight loss in such a short time on anybody. That is a dramatic amount of weight to lose. Your body needs more than 700 calories to be able to function.

I also wondered if 5000mg of paracetamol was a typing error....as the max daily dose should be 4000mg. This too will have a negative effect on ur body. I don't mean to sound harsh...just a bit concerned by what you've said. I hope u manage yo get some sleep. Take care kath.xx

[MuffinChops in reply to borderline61]

Hi Kath,

Thanks for reading my post, I know I rambled so much here but I don't have anywhere else to go really. I have a drug therapist, but I struggle talking vocally to someone, I find it easier to express myself through a computer as it's just so much easier... I also know this post was 7 days ago, but the same feelings still stand, I've just been lost doing nothing lol!

Nope I'm afraid 5000mg wasn't a typo lol... I take 2 500mg tablets 5 times per day, totaling 5000mg. I am seeing DART (Drug and alcohol rehabilitation therapy) and they've prescribed me the same amount of codeine that I'm taking, but without paracetamol. I'm being weaned off codeine slowly, it was the paracetamol they were worried about.

You didn't sound harsh at all, thanks for commenting.

[Jamie186 in reply to MuffinChops]

Hi Muffin, I was about to say how sorry I feel for you, but it's not sympathy we need it's action. By the way you've described how you feel you have the classical symptoms of depression, which takes away your appetite your love of life, don't want to go out, just stay in your own little world. At your age you should grasp the chance to learn how to drive, as this will allow you to get out in the world even if you still want to be on your own. You say you've had lots of various types of treatment, but none appear to have worked, but you don't mention any anti depression medication, your lifestyle is very unfit by the way you describe it.

You say you have a fiance but only see him once a week, he must love you a lot, as most men would,en't put up with this. So please, please try and get help and try to restore your life to normal, as Kat says find something that excites you in some way and concentrate on it and get well, please.

[MuffinChops in reply to Jamie186]

Hi Jamie, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression 1.5 years ago now, so I already know I have those, but the help I've received hasn't made any changes. At 17 I was denied anti-depressants due to being under 18, I was told I could have them at 18 no problems. Since turning 18, I have been to the doctors at least once per month to beg them for tablets to help with the anxiety and depression, but now they are saying it's not safe until I'm 21. It's utterly ridiculous and I'm constantly being filled with false hope, nobody seems to want to help. I cannot take driving lessons due to anxiety, I also have no money to pay for it, and before you say get a job, I can't lol!

Thank you for commenting

[wallflower_fairy]

Are you awake Muffin? Sorry stupid question...are you still online?

xx

[Maisie1 in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Are you on any antidepressants or have seen anyone from a mental health team apart from eating disorder?

[MuffinChops in reply to Maisie1]

Maisie - I'm not allowed anti-depressants, my doctor won't let me have them, believe me, I've made their ears bleed with pleading but they just won't budge! Also, I have seen LOTS of people, first off, my College tutor, then the College counselor, then my GP, then CAMHS, then Psychotherapy, an adolescent psychiatrist, hospital nurses, the crisis team, family key worker, social worker, youth worker, adult mental health team, and now DART for drug rehab therapy... I've had my fair share of professionals lol...

[Maisie1 in reply to MuffinChops]

Why won't they put you on a low dose of an antidepressant

[MuffinChops in reply to Maisie1]

Probably because they are too stuck up and trying to budget because of the cuts, they are waiting until I'm hanging off the edge of a bridge to give me tablets... I've begged and begged but they just won't do it

[MuffinChops in reply to wallflower_fairy]

I'm awake now if that counts??

xx

[kat413]

hi I'm new I just happened to read your post and you sound very depressed . I've been depressed let's say since I was your age and my daughter was your age or 17 when she finally went on medication. I didn't see that you said you were taking anything for Depression. I'm so sorry to read your story I know how hard it is to come out of being depressed but you have to try and fight but take it slow. Was there one thing besides college that made you happy?? if there was try and focus on that. I know you said your an adult but your 18 and you still need the support of your mother. A big hug. and do you take pain meds for a reaso? that's probably causing you to be lethargic. I hope you have a Fantastic weekend Everyone deserves to be somewhat Happy Also, you sound like a very smart young lady and your going to have plenty of time for college when your 19 or 20 p.s the Dr. could give you something for your anxiety my daughter took something so she could go to college. night

[MuffinChops in reply to kat413]

Hi Kat!

I know I forgot to say whether I was on anti-depressants as I was in such a flap, you know how it is lol... I am not allowed anti-depressants because my doctors are being pains in the backside about it. I first asked for them when I was 17, they wouldn't give me them because I was under 18, the day after my 18th birthday the thing I was looking forward to the most was being old enough for anxiety medication. I went to the doctors and they came up with another excuse "It's not safe until you're 21" so now I'm stuck for another 3 years... It's ridiculous, nobody seems to be able to help, so I feel worse as I now think I'm a lost cause that nobody can help.

I take codeine due to an addiction, I first started taking them as a method of self harm, but it's not an unruly addiction that I'm having an extremely hard and stressful time getting over. DART have prescribed me with pure codeine to take to help with the addiction, I'm being weaned away from it as going cold turkey can be dangerous apparently... DART were mainly worried about the paracetamol. I only took the tablets they gave me for one day, then I gave up as I felt so terrible, I'm still continuing to take my normal co-codamols. My therapist is going to kill me, but it's not as easy as it sounds lol!

Thanks for commenting, it really helps to know I'm not alone and there are others out there willing to help...

[Maisie1 in reply to MuffinChops]

Be really careful with taking too much paracetamol.

[MuffinChops in reply to Maisie1]

It's kind of the point of taking them for me Maisie, I take them on purpose as a method of self harm...

[Stilltrying_]

Hi Muffin, you need to think about what happened to you to make you like this? I think something or something's bad happened to you and you are taking it out on yourself??? Why do I think this? Because you talked about all the horrible people. What did they do? You don't have to tell us here but start thinking about it yourself. You will be letting them win if you let it destroy you. Just my opinion. Gemmalouise x

Also it seems like you're in vicious circle. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Concentrate on reducing the painkillers first maybe.

Choosing to live and move forward is like a switch. We can just give up and switch it off but if there is one spark there then surely it is worth pursuing that hope you hold somewhere in yourself for a better life and for some peace within yourself? From someone who is very low themselves today and a lot older than you that is my offering for the day. x

[FallenAngel]

Don't compare yourself to others your age .. you are you good and bad bits .. I am worried about the codeine seems a lot and can cause headaches Sometimes I think when or if you accept the way you are things change a bit ... I wish I had words of wisdom for you I don't , take each day at a time , past is over , future is undecided , I am sorry I can not be more positive ... I do tho hope things change xx

[HairDetanglers]

Can we help you on the road back to joy, peace, and abundant life?

We can start with freeing you from the bondage of matted tangled hair. We see clients daily and the road to resurrecting a new life has begun with first having their horribly tangled matted hair detangled.

Most salons will just want to cut your hair off.

We are Tangled Hair Techs

[les82]

Aw hun, poor you. I cant begin to imagine what you are going through. I have a depression of sorts but i still have the ability to get up, have a shower and make myself presentable. I cant imagine feeling so low that i couldnt get out of bed. Mind you, i have a 4 and a half year old and a 9 week old baby to make the effort for. Life is so hard. I am 31 and it is so easy for me to say that you are only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you. I was a nutter at 18. Out all the time and pissed all wkend. Returning to mu daily routine floored me until the weekend hit again. I feel so boring and sensible now but its a good feeling. I kow that everything may seem too bleak for you to comprehend but you have to make changes instead of just existing. Please dont waste your 18-25 time period like i did. Remember you cant get this time back and after losing my muma year and a half ago i know that time is precious and that life can change in a heartbeat. Thinking of you x