[ I'm new ] I don't know what to do, Depression

[Luke2001]

At the moment i'm 15 years old.

Firstly I'd like to say i'm sorry i'm not good at writing.

I have always been an outcast and a "trouble child" my whole life, I come from a big family where I have 6 siblings. As a kid I was always unhappy but not majorly. I was bullied for 10 years, hit, kicked and verbally abused by all of my peers. About 2 years ago I found out that I had Asperger's syndrome. I have had depression and anxiety for many years and I feel that I am different and don't belong in this world.

I still have depression and anxiety which causes me to lock myself away in my room for hours on end because I fear I'll be a problem to someone. Only this last year the bullying has sort of cooled down and even though I am very unpopular I have managed to hold on the one (Female) friend. I have major ups and downs with my depression but most of the time I am always unhappy, my parents are always stressed out but then aren't abusing or anything which makes me feel pathetic. Recently I have been at an all time low and am temped to start my self harming again (I stopped mid Feb). I get suicidal thoughts everyday walking to and from school mixed with feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.

When my parents found my scars a few months ago they freaked and from then on I lied to them pretending I was okay and it worked because I am in my room all the time. I have never had meds for depression and can't tell my parents again.

I just want to be happy again but don't know how. I have considered killing myself my the thought of my little brother finding me dead haunts me.

If anyone out there has any advice I would really appreciate it, I don't want to die I just want to be a normal person.

[Luke2001]

Sorry I didn't see the typo, I am 16 not 15, just to clarify

[Satsuma]

I would advise visiting your GP and letting them know how you feel. They could then refer you to counselling where you can offload your worries to them.

There is also the Samaritans which may be able to sign post you to various organisations.

As for wanting to be a normal person, I have still yet to define normal and I am considerably older than you.

Getting help for your depression is a must. I speak this from experience.

[Luke2001 in reply to Satsuma]

Thanks, but I can't go to my GP without my parents knowing and I have too much anxiety of my parent's reaction.

[Illicitphobia]

Go to your GP. You can book appointments and they are obligated not to tell your parents. They can then recommend you onto further help.

I'm a very simular age, since ive only just turned 17. I got refered to generic councling almost two years ago, but barely got treated mentally because while I suffer from anxiety and depression, my issue lies in personality based issues that always got brushed off as hormones (if they say that to you then just keep pushing because its utter bullshit).

Don't start hurting youself again because its a downward cycle and youve done well going clean, and you shouldn't break that after doing so well. School is a nightmare but its important and its a routine. Somthing to do. I dropped out of collage due to anxiety and health reasons and the thing I miss about it is it was somthing to do each day, made me get up, get dress and leave the house. What I don't do most days.

Like Satsuma said, there are the good samaritans and if theres a local Mind then go visit them, they were helpful for me. Or even go check out thier website.

Im not the best at giving advice so I apologise.

[Luke2001 in reply to Illicitphobia]

Thanks so much, I hope everything gets better when I start college in September, maybe new friends will be a better atmosphere for me.

[spykey in reply to Luke2001]

Hi Luke2001

I'm not an expert but like satsuma said getting to see your GP is really important! If you are in the uk your Dr doesn't normally speak to your parents if you go to see them. I was reading you last post where you said you were going to college in September, and you go to see your GP now, you will hopefully be able to get some support in place before you go to college!

I'm not sure exactly what your GP will advise, maybe meds maybe therapy. But if you go Now you could be in a better place sooner rather that later & when you start college you will hopefully feel much stronger going in to a new environment, with new people & be happier starting the next steps in your life journey!

You seem to be looking forward to college, and I'm sure if you get help now you will be in a better place mentally to join in with college life & making new friends. No one has to know how you have been struggling, you don't need to wear a sticker that says you have! What you tell or say to others it is up to you! I know you said that you self harm & that at the moment you have found it helps you, but you do need to speak to your GP who will able to support you in some way or advise you where best to go or who to talk to to get you through this time. Have you been doing exams & revising for exams & suddenly there is nothing there now & you feel a bit empty? Please try to see your GP asap to get some support. Your GP should keep anything you say to him in confidence & not tell your parents! It may sound scary, but to start your road to recovery you need to get help, then you can start college in sept looking forward with a new outlook towards your future!

Good Luck & Take Care spykey