Help

[J-k-a]

Trigger warning ⚠️

I was assaulted well raped almost six years ago last year I came forward to the police but because of what they say , hear say we didn’t go further I felt like I could continue with the case recently so rang and waited for c.I.d as the days grew my ptsd and a lot of other mental health got really bad so I rang and stopped the case ..

I felt I was strong enough, surly after all this time I could push forward.. I thought ..

I stopped drinking/drugs for almost three months but stopping the case again Has triggered me back ..

Please any guidance will help right about not hating myself so much !!!

[Hidden]

Im sorry for everything that has happened. The only person who should feel bad for what happened is the rapist. You did nothing wrong and didnt deserve anything. You only deserve kindness and respect. Youve done so well to have the courage to speak up for yourself. You really deserve to be heard and you definitely dont deserve to hate yourself.

[J-k-a in reply to Hidden]

One minute I’m ready to tell my side and go forward with c.I.d I felt so Ready by ringing them and finally pushing it to hopefully go to court then I remember they said it’s hear say , no evidence! Your word against his ... I no what he did so do he ...just the run up made my ptsd , dissociation ext really bad almost crashed with my daughter in the car so had to stop it .. I just feel like I’ve failed myself again ... will I ever be ready ?! I guess you or anyone else cant answer that ..

Thankyou 🤍 means so much you took your time out x

[Midori in reply to J-k-a]

You have nothing to reproach yourself for, It was not your fault.

[Hidden in reply to J-k-a]

Hi jka, Im really sorry that youve been feeling like youve failed yourself. I think youre doing amazing by doing the best you can to speak out and get this far. Its just that sometimes we are so vulnerable due to being so hurt and we need help. Sometimes this world makes it so hard for us to speak up. I feel like you are a good person. Please dont be hard on yourself. Its not your fault that any of this has happened and that youre finding it so hard. You have done amazing to get this far on your own. And your best is good enough.

Its up to you how far you take this and what helps you to move on but whatever you do you are believed by me anyway and I know many others will believe you too.I believe Nathalie's comment was very good. Do you think you could talk to a therapist or doctor to at least feel you have a professional by your side? You can talk about how the police case is affecting you too. I was sexually abused as a child and kept it all in but I felt some relief for eventually talking to a therapist. It gave me some strength that I didnt have before. I just wanted to share that as something for you to consider.

As a side point, I believe there is evidence by the way. There is your honest character and care for your daughter - there is no reason you would lie and a jury would look at your character as a whole to determine that youre an honest person. Also, often times when a court case is pursued the defendent admits their guilt anyway before going to court because they know its the truth.

Please dont feel any pressure though. Whatever you decide to do, youre not a failure. I know you are doing your best and if and when you are ready you will speak out. Youve done great and I really mean that as I know hard it is x

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I am really sorry that you have been through this very traumatic situation, J-k-a.

It is often the reason why so many who have been sexually assaulted, don't go to the police or withdraw the charges. It is simply very traumatic to have to go through the process of collecting evidence and having to explain what happened.

I think it is important to have a support advocate with you and if you are able to acess a therapist, to talk about grounding techniques through this.

There are organizations that support anyone who went through this and I think having someone with you might possibly make this more bearable.

There are organizations like victimsupport.org.uk or Mind charity and other sites with information but most importantly, support and phone numbers.

I wouldn't want to go through this alone without someone knowledgeable about this as it would be too traumatic, personally.