Help

[mcginnmx]

Okay, I been avoiding this for a long time. But my emotions are getting the better of me. I mean I am ok but I am not fine. This Coronavirus is bringing up bad memories that I have been trying to hide from. It started when my friend got sick from the flu. I blame myself, I was the last one to see him before he ended up in the hospital. I was only 16. Then 2018 was the worst year of my life. My cousin died of an overdose, my uncle fuzz unknown, my father and second cousin , and my uncle old age an that was within a year. I am only in my late 20s. An with this year, I found out that I am anemic with 2 anemia’s. But now I go outside for my elderly parents for food and groceries . I am afraid that one day I will go get the Coronavirus and I will be fine but it will hurt them. I had enough death in my life. I really wonder how you guys deal with this kind of stress. I mean I can deal with gangs, riots, thunderstorms, burglaries,fights, physical,mental,sexual abuse and homelessness . But nothing really triggers me more than death. I try to ask for help but all the people say is pray for me praying won’t help my problem. I need actual suggestions how to get better... how to be better. I had this emotional baggage for years and now it is building up into one.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi mcginnmx,

Welcome to the community.

I can so relate to what you said that nothing triggers you more than death.

My husband is immunocompromised and going through treatment at the moment and I am anxious going outside recently not to pick up a bug.

Interestingly we have travelled a lot when his immune system was very low and we managed okay with the usual precautions for anyone with very low immune system.

But right now the situation all over the world is frightening and it can cause panic.

Panic causes less ability to think clearly and as a result making more mistakes.

I have been anxious when out and when someone is caughing near me and it's really tough.

I'm very sorry you are going through those triggers.

Maybe there is an option of delivery online?

Sending support...

[mcginnmx in reply to Nathalie99]

Tried to do stuff online but our CVS has to see your license for Certain prescriptions. For example my kolpin and Prozac. Florida has a strict medicine policy. An thanks for the support I think I might go for a swim, do some tiktok videos, and draw some. I haven’t drawn in a while it used to be my coping mechinism in school. If I can focus that is. An there is still some Christmas present crafts I haven’t tried. It just feels better to let everything out.

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to mcginnmx]

That's nice that you go for a swim. I love swimming but haven't had the chance in a year.

Hope you enjoy drawing as well.

Take care...

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Dear mcginnmx.

I understand your feelings of guilt and how it can replay out to our current lives in other ways and continue to make us feel plagued with an over-riding sense of responsibility for another's life. But this I realise is ok to be over-caring and sensitive. The importance is to disentangle the various threads of your thought processes, so that we can feel less guilty I guess.

My story goes back to being just five and the PTSD - an armed burglary where I felt responsible and aids to the intruders.. why? because, they used my string necklace to help tie up my family [along with other items they used], because I sensed something was coming - yet said nothing..., because I thought I was seen outside playing and enjoying life [and being in a foreign country, I began to relate that to the poles of poverty and privilege, but also because I went up to my momma and asked what was wrong [after she had been gang raped] ... yet I could not muster a cuddle for her.

These things, this guilt has plagued me for absolutely zeons of years and I really had to take stock of it about a decade ago and just try to disentangle the emotions, the logic, the guilt, the power of those feelings, in order that I could at least begin to build good strong and healthy relationships again. I also learned to value and account for what was good and true about myself, so that I could rebuild a sense of a positive self!

I concur with everything Nathalie99 has said about how panic and anxiety distorts our sense of good judgement.

So I just want to say this to you - as I said to my 5 year old inner child - it's ok, you really don't have to carry this weight and burden. Love forgives and never judges.

There's much more that I tried to tell myself, but I'm a bit emotional right now about something else, to be able to communicate this clearly.

So I just hope that you stay kind and true to yourself.

Wishing you blessings and peace of mind.

[Hidden]

I have had many traumatic things happen in my life, but I don’t blame myself for them, you shouldn’t either,it was not you fault. There is ways you can get your drugs or groceries online delivered to your door with a small tip. Go to the site of your store online, and you will see how to order them, and be delivered.❤️