Need help!

[Cat70]

Hello,I am trying to find support that understands how I feel. I am so sad and feel really alone. I take medicine but still feel bad. Does anyone know a therapist I could talk to. I am in Fresno, I don't know what could help. I have read the emails sent and feel they describe how I am acting and feel.

[Hidden]

Hi Cat70.

I do hear you and fully understand how you feel. I experienced those feelings for many years. I wish I was close enough to recommend a therapist, but I'm not. I think this support forum can be a fantastic way to break the isolation that we have all felt - keep sharing! You are not alone!

Warmly,

Dan

[Cat70 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Dan H, This is such an unusual thing to understand. I don't know why I feel this way? Does it ever get better? Right now I feel stuck.

[Hidden in reply to Cat70]

I hear you, Cat70. When I first started experiencing my PTSD, I couldn't pin down the origin. I found a book in the library, where I read the symptoms of PTSD, and I had most of them. I just didn't have a "traumatic" incident I could point to. It was terribly disorienting and baffling. I feel for us when we're in that place.

Yes, it does get better. HealingArtist suggested some great ideas for support. There are lots of resources. But you have to be ready to try them. For me, desperation was the motivator that got me to reach out.

When I first decided to try a 12 step program for people who grew up with alcoholism, it was torture to walk in that room for the first time. But that's when my healing journey began. Then I got some help with a therapist, and things continued to unfold.

You've already taken a step - by sharing in this group. Let the support you find here be a part of your healing journey.

When I realized PTSD was one of the results of growing up with an alcoholic for me, it added a component that made a LOT of things add up. My sleepless nights, addiction issues, depression, hyper vigilance - a whole buffet of symptoms that I had to deal with.

My bottom line statement is "no matter what the abuse, there is the hope of healing." I've seen it come true in my life, and I know it can in yours as well.

Warmly,

Dan

[Cat70 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind and helpful words. It really is a difficult thing to understand. I did suffer a recent trauma, I underwent a 61/2 hour open heart surgery. I was afraid of anyone touching me. My heart had to be restarted once thru the night. I hope I can trust people someday again.

[Hidden in reply to Cat70]

Wow, that must have been awful! My Dad went through open heart surgery, and that's traumatic enough. But needing to have your hurt restarted, it must have added to your feelings of being traumatized - it would for me!

Trust is a big one - it has taken a long time for me, and when it is broken, hard to trust that person again.

You're welcome for the words I shared. Great that you've found this site, and use it to help support you.

Dan

[Cat70 in reply to Hidden]

Dan I am finding the same problem trusting. How long have you had PTSD.

[Hidden in reply to Cat70]

Cat, it turns out I had PTSD from when I was 8 years old. A second source happened when I was 17. After that, it was hard to let people close. I couldn't trust people - if someone said "I love you," it meant they were about to hurt me. I couldn't trust God either.

[Cat70 in reply to Hidden]

Dan that is young, did a doctor diagnose you or did it take awhile to figure out what was going on.

[Hidden in reply to Cat70]

Cat, in 1958, PTSD wasn't even a diagnosis - just called "battle fatigue" for soldiers. It took a lot longer to figure out what was happening. In 1986, PTSD was barely recognized, and I had to run across it in a book in the library (I was a self help junkie trying to figure out what was going on.) I had all the symptoms, but no traumatic event I could point to.

Fortunately I was going to a 12 step program for people who grew up with alcoholics. I had a sponsor who was also a therapist (and guardian angel). He told me about Gestalt exercises called "empty chair," where I would sit in one chair and talk to my inner child, who I called Little Danny Fear Child. I thought it sounded stupid, but finally gave it a try.

I remembered a violent incident with my Dad when I was 17, which was my first source of PTSD. Later I did more inner child work, and remembered abuse by my grandmother when I was 8. That was where the PTSD began.

I finally got a diagnosis, and those two events had caused PTSD that was both "severe and chronic." Yikes!

[Cat70 in reply to Hidden]

Dan, I also have bad memories from childhood. One in particular was my mom telling us kids she was going leaving to kill herself because she was in an unhappy second marriage, so this was my step dad. I was afraid of being unwanted by him if my mom killed herself, my biological father left us to start another life with another woman with her kids. I have a hard time also trusting and being close to people. I am sorry you have suffered. One doctor told me that it is a small percent that has this type of response from abuse. So I can relate with you on that. When I was diagnosed of course I thought it was wrong because I was not in a war, but then I thought about that, I guess I was in a different war growing up. I guess it all caught up with me and has caused this.

[Hidden in reply to Cat70]

Cat, how terrible your memories are! Mom was going to kill herself - and as the child, I would be somehow thinking it was my fault. StepDad wouldn't want you, so no help there. Real Dad completely left - abandonment issue. Is it any wonder that you have trouble trusting?

Personally, I think that doctor's opinion sounds like someone in denial, and I completely don't agree with it! Anyone who is abused will have scars and wounds from it. I just think a lot of people suppress and run real hard to avoid those pains, sometimes including doctors. The first therapist I went to see was a counseling minister at my church, and when the topic got to alcoholism, he got all huffy, and clearly got into his own issues.

When I first started dealing with growing up in an alcoholic family, I went to 12 step meetings for people who grew up around drinking. Many of my friends from church reacted negatively to it, and tried to talk me out of going. After some awareness came to me, I started to realize that a whole lot of my friends showed the same signs I did, or were alcoholics. I was just the one dealing with it.

Yes, it's initially hard to think we have PTSD because we weren't in battle. But the way I got a lot of the feelings to the surface about being around my Dad (a Marine) was from watching Platoon. I was on a battleground, only in the home.

[Palomineo Pioneer in reply to Hidden]

For me it was a thousand large and small incidents that lead up to PTSD... 27 years worth!

Also not knowing what was going on... Or what was causing the symptoms. Nobody to say "oh it sounds like PTSD!"

Lol when I found out I had diabetes someone said, "oh that sounds like diabetes!" " have you been checked?"

Not till a year ago Did someone say "oh that sounds like PTSD"

But it searched out the symptoms over the last several years on the internet and found people with similar symptoms

[Hidden]

Cat70:

Have you contacted the local mental wellness organizations? Many times there are free services like support groups You could contact national health organizations and look for local chapters. There may be websites that list local non profit resources. How about your local United Way or Catholic Charities? United Way has a service where you can call them or just dial 211. It's easier for me to go on the computer and look through their 2-1-1 service. There are free hotlines for emergencies. I just did a search and found something on the Fresno County website.

[Cat70]

I am seeing a psychiatrist, but that is for medication, I don't feel it is enough to help.

[Cat70]

I am glad there is a group to help me feel, not so awkward.

[Hidden]

Wonderful answer! Spot on target!

[Stuck1 Pioneer in reply to Hidden]

xx

[Cat70]

Thank you for great advice, I will look into those things. You guys are great, thanks for all the ideas.

[WildernessScout]

Hello cat70

You are not alone. I find support fro the 12 step groups these fellowships have meetings daily and help you learn a new design for living . Trying to learn the spiritual angle and their are lot of support .

[Hidden in reply to WildernessScout]

I totally agree, WildernessScout! When I found Adult Children of Alcoholics, it was a lifesaver! When I first found it in my area, there were lots of people getting involved from AA and Al-Anon, who had experience at working the program. It really did give me a whole new design for living, and a lot of support.

[Lionyx2006 in reply to Hidden]

My first 12 step program was Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. I learned I wasn't alone and that helped me immensely.

I've never had open heart surgery.

I suffered from pericarditis back in 2007. I don't what was worse, trying to get a diagnosis or having the disease. It took 11 emergency room visits before someone believed me and helped me. It's one horrible disease. Every time your heart beats it feels as if you're going to die from the sheer pain. No words could describe that kind of pain. I've written about it, but can't seem to get to the center of the pain. Writing helps me heal.

Pericarditis added to my PTSD on top of already having it from years of extreme childhood abuse.

[Hidden]

Absolutely amazing post! I have chills right now! You are very courageous an I admire your strength !!!! My journey is just starting and my path is not clear but thank you for sharing that!!!!!

[Stuck1 Pioneer in reply to Hidden]

xx Please take comfort from knowing that I am only just a single metre ahead of you Whirlwind! The path is never clear! And won't be! Identify your resources, and gather your team, and make that first hardest step towards healing!

So many of us are on our own healing journey, on this very path so you only have to call out and we will respond!

(ps: if you bump into something fairly large, and normally a bit wobbly- just ahead, do say hi to me!!) xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Stuck1]

Lol! Thank you for making me smile! I do need help and lots of it. It's very lonely trying to find direction. I lose my way all the time!

[Cat70]

Thank you for the helpful words. This is the first long recovery I've had to go thru, usually I can bounce right back, but this is debilitating. First I had to heal from heart surgery and now I have trouble doing the simplistic things. This is a foreign feeling to be out of life. I am doing what was suggested and getting more help. This group is a lot of help if you don't understand.

[Cat70]

This is a beautiful post. I do have to look more for the good things, sometimes the sadness and anger can be overwhelming and paralyzing. I would love to rejoin the human race someday that is my goal. There are days I just want to lay down and not get up.

[Cat70]

Stuck 1, I wish I could give you a big hug.

[Stuck1 Pioneer in reply to Cat70]

Big hugs to you too! xx

[martinerd]

This is exactly how I feel! I just can never find the words to say it and I feel this could be one of the biggest things holding me back! Thanks for sharing.x