Reflection on Impatience

[js_k]

People would say healing takes time. But honestly with PTSD, sometimes you just stumble upon an issue that you didn’t know was there. Due to the complexity of how we process trauma, it seems like the brain keeps on surprising us with new struggles.

I intend this writing for a reflection.

Lately, I notice my impatience in healing and just keep on thinking about things that I haven’t done right. I felt upset with myself that I am still not the person who I want to be. This morning my caregivers (who abused me) contacted me for a meetup to eat. She’s still denial of the abuse and is refusing to acknowledge what happened. It angers me whenever she contacts me. I felt so much anger that my chest is tight and I thought to myself “how can I am even capable to hold such an anger?” But at least an anger is there as a cue for me to set boundaries with them. 3 years ago it would have been difficult to even acknowledge that I am angry because I was still living with them. A tightness in the chest was all I could notice. Being honest with myself and accepting my feelings was hard. But now, I can sit down with the most intense feelings and simply notice them come and go out of my body system.

I had come a long way. Despite these people who deny their abuses or its effects on me, I keep on listening to my needs. It was the hardest process. Despite of how scary it is to realize that I was abused, I kept on walking forward — creating the narrative from the past. I think, like many others here, I am trying my best and I am enough.

If you find yourself being impatient with your healing journey, this reflection acts as a reminder that I am on the same boat as you!

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

Thank you for what you wrote. You really understand yourself This helps me so much

[js_k in reply to Beingindependent]

I am so glad I did! Thank you 🙏

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

My therapist said anger is a healthy emotion and it is there as a warning signal. She said to reflect back on when the anger began to understand more where there has been a boundary violation. So you’re onto it there.

[js_k in reply to Lindyloo53]

Yes, rather than treating challenging emotions like enemies, it’s more productive to acknowledge them as cues for sure I hope our society sees these challenging emotions in a more compassionate way cuz we can’t survive without these emotions

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Thank you for sharing

[js_k in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

My pleasure!

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Thank you so much for sharing this great reflection, js_k.

I can relate to being impatient. It is a long road for me too and each time there is a new issue, I feel like I should be able to deal with it better than I am.

Just recently discovered friends having very similar struggles even though I felt like they had it all together. It helps me giving myself permission for not being perfect and recognizing my progress.

What you shared is very inspiring.

[js_k in reply to Nathalie99]

Yea, perfection is impossible anyways. But it’s hard to see that, right? I never seen anyone with PTSD saying that it’s not a long road. We are together in this as we fall, get back up and fall and trying again

[cclay]

I've been impatient since a month after the loss that created my situation. I know it really does no good, but I want to be the me that I was just a few short months ago. So often I find myself getting angry with myself because I can't seem to shake these crazy feelings. But my trauma was just in April and I haven't even started any treatment yet, though later this month I go for an intake.

I know I can beat this thing and I know it takes time. Being impatient is understandable I think. Thank you for sharing.

[js_k in reply to cclay]

I understand...yes, you are right it takes time...and honestly the process towards recovery is draining, rewarding, challenging but most of all, ...it builds compassion to yourself. We got this. Grief is such a challenging emotion to work with.. but I assure you, I walk beside you like many others here

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

What a great and helpful reflection for all of us. Thank you for posting this.

You have vital insight that speaks volumes to how far you’ve already come.

Your level of self awareness is so impressive and inspiring. My therapist always asked me where I felt (whatever emotion) in my body. I still greatly struggle to identify where I feel my emotions in my body likely due to my always dissociating from my body as a means of coping with my childhood abuse.

You being able to readily identify where you’re feeling your emotion in your body is such a huge breakthrough in and of itself!!

I totally relate to the frustration of wishing the healing would finally be complete or at least much further faster.

But I’m thinking a more adaptive attitude is one of a lifelong journey that every single human being is on. Our’s feels more difficult bc of CPTSD but it’s all one long journey for everyone.

You’re clearly so well on your healing journey. Let’s all be kind to ourselves and instead of only noticing the benchmark we keep moving...notice how far we’ve all already come.

Thanks for sharing this reminder with all of us!

[js_k in reply to GeminiDancer]

Awwwww I’m smiling reading this! Yes, I have been dissociating from myself, my body and the world around me...and I didn’t realize it’s called “dissociation” until I see people going through the same thing.

I appreciate your kind response to my post. Dissociating is challenging because our bodies need to be loved. It takes time. You are doing the best you can by noticing which of the healing process needs to be focused on. Noticing that you struggle to identify emotions in your body is such a huge step! Without noticing, it’s gonna be harder to work on it. But I want to remind you. You are enough. Even though PTSD makes all of us feel broken in some ways, none of us are broken. We are always a whole human being that are capable of compassion, gratitude and love. I am grateful to come across strong and resilient people in here and one of them is you!

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

Thank you so much for this kind and encouraging reply! It means so very much to me! Many blessings to you. 🙏🏼❤️