I don't post often but I'm doing so now for feedback and support. I've been out of work since before the pandemic and don't qualify for unemployment insurance. I've done gig work but not even a lot of that. I can't concentrate on anything, can't seem to learn and retain information anymore, and no matter how many remote jobs to which I apply I get nothing, or it's a job I simply cannot do for various reasons. I am autistic and also have obsessive thoughts which can be triggered by certain subjects, leaving me unable to function. I also have PTSD , clinical depression and I suspect some form of chronic fatigue now.
I am 58 years old and my entire life has been just so traumatizing that I have now mostly given up. But I don't want to be this person. I want to be productive and independent, something I can't achieve if I'm unable to find work that I can do. I haven't had any luck getting help and I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything seems so futile, so cold. I can no longer trust the person I married and upon whom I am completely dependent. I discovered he has lied to me numerous times and refuses to establish a will with me in it. We've been married for 10 years now, and I am powerless to do anything about it. I am trapped and afraid. It's just a vicious cycle now.
Thanks for reading, sorry for the length.
16 Replies
•
Thanks for your response. I don't have a therapist at the moment. I've been damaged by most of the therapists I've seen over the years, like the one who kept falling asleep while trying to facilitate EMDR sessions, and another who irresponsibly suggested I get remarried (on the rebound) to an individual who became violent in the first few months of that marriage, which of course resulted in another divorce and a deeply traumatic event for me. I find I don't have trust in the mental health professionals to whom I have access.
Something to consider. But I need the job first and the physicality of a restaurant job is probably beyond my ability right now. It's all too much. But I appreciate your response, thank you again.
I'm sorry for this difficult cycle you are in, with and without the pandemic many people can find themselves in a place like that, a vicious cycle. In these times sometimes taking something can be helpful for picking you up enough to be able to work your way out of it. A lot of people take anti-depressants. I take Bach remedies and I cannot say enough about how much they have supported me-they are a kind of homeopathic natural remedy.
i tried them a few times in a combination and they didn't work. Later I started taking them one at a time in a bottle of water that i sipped for a few hours and they worked instantly. Maybe see if you are like that too. I also do energy work. It took me a long time to be open to this and trust someone but talk therapy wasn't an option for me. Recently I started something called body alignment technique and there is a big difference. I also have been in this a long time and am severely exhausted and cannot think clearly, so have limited options in a lot of things.
Gosh I’m lost for words or ideas on how to help because your situation is unfamiliar to me and sounds like you might be in a country where things for people out of work rely on some sort of insurance.I just want you to know I have read your post.
It must be hard being so reliant for your basic needs on someone else.
I’m sure you probably have asked your husband why he refuses to put you in his will after all the time you have been married.
I’m so sorry you were subjected to a violent partner in your second marriage.
It is not a therapists place to suggest to anyone they remarry. That’s a personal choice and it almost sounds like that was taken away from you. That is a big breach of power in a therapeutic relationship.
Ah it's fine, love. I don't think there's help for me at this point. I do appreciate and thank you for your response. Everything helps. I feel I am about done by now.
I had a therapist fall asleep while I was talking twice. Very annoying. I fired them because they denied falling asleep. I guess I am extremely boring
I feel for you about working. I am 60 and I have similar symptoms as you. Chronic fatigue is hell. I have a job but I had to be straight with my boss and tell them about my limitations. They worked with me so I work at home and work when I can. My hours are not regular. Early morning and late at night. I was lucky because I have worked at the same place for twenty years so I was not as sick twenty years ago. I found I have to try harder than most people to compensate for my health. Not ideal but it is working so far.
I also can’t concentrate on anything and feel the same about retaining information, but for some reason this doesn’t apply for online courses. I’ve been following a few of them, many in the field of psychology (I guess I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with me), and even though I feel like I cannot focus my attention to have a short conversation with someone, I didn’t have a hard time with the courses.
Maybe you can find one that’s interesting for you, and it might help to hold your attention. It also might give you new options for a job if you manage to stick with it. There’s plenty of free online courses on Coursera for example, why not try to find something that is of interest to you?
I am very sorry you are in this situation and I can imagine the feelings of powerlessness. It is scary to be dependant on someone else and not have a choice.
I know it is triggering but maybe you could talk to a lawyer or a social worker regarding finances.
Also, I know you mentioned that you had bad experiences with therapists. Unfortunately, it happens a lot. I have had bad experiences as well. It means we just need to listen to our own judgement and not rely on what a therapist says because they are just people and can be wrong.
There are some organizations that have people who listen and at least you can call to have a listening ear.
I know how important it is to have someone to be able to talk to about different things.
There is a pinned post called "Crisis hotlines" that has all kinds of resources for different situations:
I must agree, better times to come. I can't help with the employment thing as you are in the States, I'm in UK and our labour laws are far better than yours, I'm afraid.
Do you have any hobbies which could maybe become another income stream? Woodwork, carving, jewellery making or something similar. If you have a garden how about growing some vegetables, and maybe sell them at your gate (if permitted), or maybe get a spot at a Farmer's Market?
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
What now?
Racing suicidal thoughts and thoughts that scream at me. 
PTSD and me.. old ghosts are revisiting..
I need some help with my next step(s) 
