Alone

[itsmytime]

No matter what I do I never seem to be able to get my point across. When I try to explain the way I feel or the way I am it's like I am all alone. I try to so many times that I just feel so worn out. Like I'm exhausted and just don't care to explain anymore. I don't want to become numb again and I just feel it coming on. Like a slow dullness that comes over me and cannot be shook. I'm so tired and what I used to feel excited for just isn't doing it for me. I hope that this will pass but it's lasting longer then usual. I think my anger has just been a sadness that had been shoved down for awhile. No friends that really care and that's ok cause I just would put a damper on their life I guess. Headaches with the tension and tiredness. My dogs are the best distraction I've got so thank god for them. I feel like I am a bother to anyone else. Worries just drive me into the ground and tears just run down my face . It's like a normal thing for me now at night to expect all of this to happen. During the day I try to stay too busy to think. I don't want pity or someone to coddle me . I just needed an outlet I guess... Idk. I could have kept it to myself like normal or put it on here so maybe it will be one less thing to hold in. idk thats all ive got... headache is killin me

[AnyaC]

itsmytime, I understand! I search and search for people to care about me, to let me talk and love me through my triggers and my pain and fear. I have found a few, but it's taken me years to find those who care enough to learn about PTSD. Most run from me... they don't want to hear about the traumas, they don't want to see my pain or sadness, and they certainly don't want to have to try to deal with all the aspects of PTSD! My husband and youngest son love me, even if they don't really understand. They are protective and supportive, and that's more than I can ask. As for friends - I have 2 or 3 who truly care. I am completely comfortable with them and know I can trust them with all that I am.

I think nighttime is the worst for those of us with this awful disease. Nightmares plague me, so I am usually up all night. By 3 a.m. I'm worn out, but often nightmares wake me within a few hours. Daytime is my bedtime.... my normal, I guess?

Emotions are something that I do without, most of the time. I think it's because of the meds I'm on, and it's far better than spending all of my time in tears or triggering in fright. I tried changing meds to feel emotions again, but I spent over a week in tears, crying constantly. NOT what I want to spend my life doing! We changed the meds back... at least this way I can smile most of the time.

Hang in there, and know that you can always vent here. You're not alone, and there are lots of people here who care and want to be here for you.

Hope that headache eases soon... <3

[itsmytime in reply to AnyaC]

Thank you for sharing with me... it's nice to know I'm not the only one on another time schedule with this thing. I just feel like I try sooo hard to feel ok and make others not worry about me. It caught up to me in a bad way all at once. I am exhausted and depressed ... but I will keep trying. If you can smile most of the time after some changes that gives me hope that I can too.

[Hidden]

I have felt the same way. I have had a bunch of migraines, Thank God for my dog! But hard to shake the empty , bewilderment of some of the things I have been through. I think more at night also. I recently moved to another state to get rid of negativity and anger, hurt and all those bad feelings weighing me down. Meeting some new people and feeling like I stick out as a weirdo . But I think the weather being nicer and I planted a few flowers and they are growing makes me feel better. I use "Serenity" essential oil and it calms some. I am on Zoloft and if I try to get off it I feel worst. Try walking and planting flower's or a vegetable, there is some positive satisfaction when working with the soil. My brother beat me up 3 times,, he is Bi-Polar and started drinking after my Dad passed and of course Mom went down hill. It's been hell...no family..I feel like I spent my whole life for nothing.

I try to stay focused in the now. Easier said then done but it works . I have faith also. I hope you come out of this rut and see a Rainbow

[bookgoddess in reply to Hidden]

I can relate to almost all of what you all said. I had depression off and on for most of my life, but it didn't get bad till menopause, then got very bad ptsd this January.

A therapist had a very good insight into why our "friends" might want to avoid those of us with depression or ptsd. It's because they can sense you have emotional pain, and they are afraid that (when you talk, I guess) you could possibly trigger their own levels of unfelt pain. When I considered that, I feel that makes sense--who wants to be in emotional pain? But, honestly, I can't help but see most of them as emotional cowards. Like the great people who you talk to on Crisis lines? They can listen empathetically because they are trained to do so, but I still think they must have some degree of courage. The "friends" that are avoidant of you--they are certainly not the "ride or die" kind of friends that we all want, right?

The only answer I have found is to work very hard at being your own best friend, using some kind of inner child work. I have discussed the site

innerbonding.com

as they are all about this, and there is no issue they are afraid to deal with

(i.e. depression, addiction, etc.) I highly recommend them.

BTW more than one person mentioned headaches, so I wanted to share what I know about this. I just saw on Dr. Oz a few things that were very helpful for headaches. First was magnesium, not oxide but citrate is better or magnesium bisglycinate or threonate are the 2 best, take 400 mg. at bedtime. Also ginger tea, can be sipped thoughout the day. For aromatherapy, peppermint is said to be helpful. And what I've found to help is cranial-sacral physiotherapy--I haven't had a headache in many years, but be sure to find a good practioner.

Wishing you strength and wisdom, my friends :-))---as I always remind myself, this will pass.

Hugs,

bookgoddess

[itsmytime in reply to bookgoddess]

Thank you for all of the sleep time advice! I really will have to try it out. I just want some kind of control over that. I will also check out that website... anything that will help. Cranial-sacral physiotherapy? I have never heard of that before. I will have to look it up.

[bookgoddess in reply to itsmytime]

Cranial-sacral is a skill that some physiotherapists add to their practice, it's a further 2 years. I get less that maybe 2 headaches per year, strictly because of that therapy, it's magic!

Bookgoddess

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to bookgoddess]

Bookgoddess I agree that it makes sense why people shy away from listening to our pain (for fear of triggering their own) and I also agree they lack courage and aren't the kind of friends I really connect with or particularly care to have in my life (explains why I don't connect much in the day to day world).

I volunteered at a Crisis Hotline and can tell you almost all those people (that I worked with) were 100% genuine. They're trained on how to listen and reflect/reframe but genuine empathy can't be taught I don't think. It's just a natural willingness to "be with" someone else's pain and struggle without being threatened by it or afraid it will also overtake you.

I sure wish more people had it.

[bookgoddess in reply to GeminiDancer]

Gemini Dancer, thanks for your comment. I'm impressed that you could work on a crisis line, that must have been hard. But you know what? Maybe it's a good place to meet some "ride or die" kind of friends; the kind that most of us don't seem to have, as yet!

Always collecting ideas on how to meet like-minded others, you know?

bookgoddess

[itsmytime in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for reaching out... did you have any luck with your migraines? These things just become annoying when they come out of nowhere. I normally love gardening but right now I just feel down. Faith is one thing I have because without it I would never have made it out alive from my attacker. I prayed to god in my trunk and it popped open in the middle of an intersection ... I got out and ran. I know there is a god because of that moment in time.

[Hidden in reply to itsmytime]

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. As far as the headaches I get periods of time when I have them for 3 days and then have a one day break and get another 2 day one. I have been in the ER and they give me an IV and have added medication to calm and put me to sleep. Most the time that works and they say it is a migraine but caused from stress. I have had on going trauma in my life especially the past 3 years and they are back.(migraines) Some Doctor's used to want to give me medication and I would read it and it had something to do with blood vessel contractions but I was too afraid to take it. I wish I could be more help. I read someone above mentioned Cranial-sacral physiotherapy, I have never heard of it but would look into it sounds like they would work in the right area. God Bless you , as what you have been through is real severe. I would be living in fear all the time and that alone can cause migraines. My thoughts and Prayers are with you....{HUGS}

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

I'm really sorry your going through this rough patch. Something someone recently said to me when I was really down and experiencing awful symptoms was, crisis are only temporary states, if you forget everything else remember this. My experience is a little different to yours but basically the feelings of helplessness and numbness were once more engulfing me. I told my doctor that the candle of hope is too hard for me to carry at this time so he said he will carry it for me until I'm strong enough to take it back. I've struggled to get out of bed every day this week, but I did it. That's something I can celebrate even if it's inly something that small I mean most people get out of bed without thinking about it but I've ahd to plan to do it daily. Please vent away here because here there are people who do understand what you might be going through.

[maggymax]

It sounds like you are inside my head. People get tired and that is called burnout. PTSD survivors are often dealing with prolonged periods of flameout. Recognize and respect the injuries you have suffered and ease up on yourself. All of us with this condition - well me anyway for sure - have days and stretches like this. Don't expect friends to understand if they have not been what you have been through. It was good that you shared your feelings here. Take super good care of yourself and remember this too will pass. Thank heaven for dogs. God spelled backwards.

[itsmytime in reply to maggymax]

I just said that to my mom today. dog is god spelled backwards... selfless, loving, forgiving... my dogs are my kind of people

[kevere3]

I am feeling the same as of now. Fed up with people. I come visit family for labor day weekend & planned ways to hang out with my 2 younger sisters do you think they give a care about implementing me into their activities? No. Friday I invited them to my church bbq. I contacted them again all day on Saturday then I got ignored & disregarded but they made attempts to connect with one another but they ignored me in the process. I felt so alone when they did that are tried to explain my frustration but I was disregarded again. I am tired of reaching out to others all the dam time. Nobody reaches out to me at all. Everytime I see a friend is because I iniated the interaction. Life is lonely when you realize your worth & start speaking up for yourself. People are used to the codependent version of you that you once may have displayed during the years of living with trauma.

[itsmytime in reply to kevere3]

My sister died in november. She was 38 and had 3 kids. She was mean to me my whole life. Going on a self destructive path and not caring who she took down with her. Not caring enough about herself to be here for her kids. Nobody could change her. I tried since she had her first child when I was 9 and she was 18. Just forgiving and forgetting ... doing the right thing by her and her kids. I spent so long helping her out I forgot about myself. Your sisters should feel guilt for what they did and if they don't they are like my sister. They won't change unless they have to. I didn't except the way she treated me so the last 5yrs I didn't see her. If I didn't separate myself from helping her I would have gone down with her. Your feelings are justified.

[crazytater]

It's good that you reached out here, you have to get it out of your head some how. I find that just knowing that someone who understands what we are going through in itself helps, knowing that another human being has read my words and knows that I am struggling. Every little bit helps.

[itsmytime in reply to crazytater]

Thanks, it's not my natural instinct to go online and write about these kind of things. I just had no where left inside me to put it. I was past my limit and sometimes I just try to hold in my true feelings to not burden others. It wore me so thin... I had to try something new.