Love lost

[689908]

When true love comes into your life and then goes it can be so hard to let go. But what I am finding out (the hard way) is that when that love is lost, it forces us to confront areas we compromised ourselves or overstepped boundaries in order to make that relationship work.

As part of the healing I have been forced to look at myself and realise the mistakes I made. There were lots. I can never 'undo' them bit I can try to learn from them. Like were there triggers in relationships that made me angry? Why? Was it from childhood or was it something else? At present I am working through these and while at times truly frightening, makes me a big 40 year old bear of a man cry and makes me feel so alone in this world, it is worth it. This is like colonic irrigation from the soul - things that should have been addressed 20 years ago are being addressed now.

Also I am learning to like myself. I didn't, so how could anyone love me? Yet they did. If I can make myself a better person through this process I will be a good partner for someone one day.

Losing love is scary but can force a person to walk through that valley of pain that everyone should go through at least once in their life. It is scary, lonely, horrible and at times sickening but it is going to heal a wound that has been inside me for years. I am learning to like me and respect me and hopefully that will attract love and respect from others.

Happy new year to you all. This time of year is tough for people. I have found it tough but I am doing everything I can to move forward.

Love to you all.

[OneTraveler]

((BIG bear hug)). You're not alone.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

Couldn't agree with you more. I've gone through two major "love's lost" and the last one was about 10yrs ago in my 20's. I was beyond head over heels and when he ultimately wasn't going to choose me (though strung me along mercilessly) I finally had the strength to leave and move on. I totally de-compensated and felt excoriating pain. However, just as you said, it showed me how I compromised myself, my boundaries and my worth trying so hard to make a relationship with him. I realized how in so many ways this man treated me like my abusive father and how this felt comfortable and how obsessed I became to make it right. It was the most intense feelings I've ever had in a romantic relationship which utterly "proved" and convinced me it was love. This man used me, discounted my feelings, was inconsiderate of me, took for granted how I always bent over backwards for him, expected me to be there only when he wanted and was utterly absent for me when I needed him. Once it dawned on me how he mistreated me in so many of the same ways as my father, it taught me so much about myself, my capacity for love and how much more I deserved. While in it though, I ignored what everyone else saw so clearly and always made excuses for him just like I did with my dad. He HAD to love me or I'd die...it felt that intense. If he didn't love me, it meant I wasn't worthy or good enough. I had to feel all those soul crushing emotions to come out the other side and see the truth. It was nearly impossible for me to let go but when I did, I prayed that God would honor the deepest intentions of my heart...the kind of love I had to give and the kind I yearned to receive. I met my current fiancé and life partner for the last 11yrs the very night I prayed that prayer and finally released the mirage and dream I had for that other guy.

You're so right...these most painful experiences in life truly do teach us the most if we are open to learning and let them.

[Hidden]

Very wise words and from the heart. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope 2015 is a good year for you full of healing. Grief can be like waves of healing washing the pain from the heart and one day the waves will slow down until the sea is calm again.

[cc120]

An awful lot comes down to self-worth, set up in childhood years.