I'm probably overthinking this

[EndUser13]

Long story short, I did something nice for someone. I didn't ask for anything in return and went out of my way to be kind. In the process, I had to deal with a friend's daughter (a grown woman) who was exceptionally rude. I guess it bothers me because I was genuinely friendly, I was delivering something I had specifically grown for a friend and I was met with a joyless person who had dead eyes, a monotone voice, and a seeming lack of understanding of how to navigate polite society.

I deal with panic disorder w/agoraphobia, I believe it's all trauma-based and as a part of my PTSD. Because of this I live a rather isolated life without many ways to get out my frustrations, so they just build up... and there are plenty! Many of them have no resolution, yet they haunt me, which is incredibly frustrating for me because I am the sort of person who likes to be a problem-solver. I like figuring out puzzles, knowing the correct way to pronounce words, and finding solutions to dilemas. It's just a part of how I am. In one of the few occasions where I forced myself out of my comfort zone and did something nice for someone, I was rewarded with rudeness.

Being unable to understand why someone was so rude to me when I was being incredibly friendly baffles me, it bothers me more than it should.

In a somewhat related case, I frequent the anxiety and depression forums here. On occasion, I have to see a couple of people who were rude to me, despite my efforts to be kind and diplomatic. The admins have failed to address obvious bullying (and if there's anything I hate in life it's a bully) and ignored a private message I sent them. I wish I knew how to let these frustrations go or how to process them without bottling up my feelings and it leaving me feeling bitter of angry.

I've seen a lot of ugliness in my life and forced myself to be a more positive, considerate person over time. I've taught myself to ease up and go with the flow (at least as best as I can). I suppose this makes me that much more annoyed when dealing with rude people. It's not hard to make an effort and it's worthwhile to live in a way where you're going to create fewer problems for yourself and others, why is this so difficult?

Thanks for letting me rant, I know there are likely no answers to my concerns.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Hello EndUser13! I am sorry that you have been met by such rudeness - not just on HU but elsewhere. It is never acceptable. Sometimes, it can feel as if the rudeness is directly targeted towards us, but my optimism remains, that there is -not just a lack of clear communication flow, but more than often, that the other person (who has been rude) is feeling intense issues in their lives.It doesn't make sense - because, of course, here we are ... with intense issues in our lives and yet we manage to be perfectly polite and cordial.

I used to always take on board others reactions to me, to the point where I was becoming extremely paranoid about social interactions.

I think my mum's words helped me a great deal - when she pointed out that everyone usually has a great deal going on in their lives and to try and not take the 'bull's eye' sense of blame. It was not that I was the focus on their direct hurtful emotions, but it could be partly my own interpretation if not, their own inability to manage their own emotions constructively.

I think that the latter advice I would suggest here...

Someone's inability to convey cordial, polite conversation is never, however, our fault. And it is never excusable.

I think, for me, because I was taking it so hardly, that I needed to justify and comprehend how my 'barriers' were being so infiltrated!!!

And I return to my mother's advice, once again... that some people just aren't in a good place in their lives, where they can be constructive in social relationships.... and that bears nothing on who we are, how we are. It's just, that that other person is in a difficult place.

I learnt this lesson a few years back and it has been tough - because, of course, people like you and I do want to support others unequivocally and it can be tough to face backlash, when there has been no justification for such a response.

I don't know the circumstances that your experience entailed, but I'm certain that the daughter of your friend was in a tough place, that did not allow her to be cordial.

I like my mother's way of finding a reasoning for difficult issues - it just can be hard to figure out what on earth is that reasoning going on for the rude person

Sending blessings.

[EndUser13 in reply to SavingGrace]

Thank you, for your helpful perspective and your mom's advice. I think this rude lady is going through her own difficult stuff... like I said, I'm probably over-thinking it, taking it too personally.

It's responses like yours that keep me on HU though, thanks so much! You sound wise 🙂

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to EndUser13]

You have to always go with your gut, though, I appreciate, EndUser13. If you feel that this person has truly overstepped their mark, then that is never ok.

I guess, what I am hoping to say, is that we can always look to find a reason for someone's behaviour... If that behaviour is off the charts though, then it's a good time to think about our own personal boundaries and how to protect these.

I'm hoping, though, in this instance, that this rude person was 'just' inconsiderate and sadly, thoughtless.... which is no reason to berate ourselves .... <3

[Hidden]

Hi EndUser13, sorry to read that your kindness to a friend was met with such rudeness. I agree with SavingGrace that it's never acceptable and something clearly which wasn't deserved.I have no answers, like you I have been through a lot which is why we are on this forum.

I don't understand either why some basic common courtesy can't apply.

I have often felt awful but still manage to be polite.

However unfortunately life isn't how we'd like it to be - good for you for ranting and I hope it helps a bit. I would certainly be upset, annoyed and very disappointed. All the best.

[EndUser13 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! Your words are really appreciated. I try not to complain much but I think with PTSD, things can feel a lot more intense than they need to be sometimes? Maybe... anyway, thank you!

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

EndUser13

I can't add much to the great words you have received. I'm finding them very helpful for me as I am going through some heavy stuff right now.

I often wonder where simple manners got lost along the way. At my job I've frequently asked what happened to.... good morning how are you today and saying please and thank you when it's appropriate. These things are taught to us at a very young age. Why are they lost along the way?

At the end of the day I think there are two things you should be proud of. One is you took a big personal step that was not easy and two you did something kind for someone else. These things show you are strong and you are a good person .

🐬

[EndUser13 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you, that's very kind of you to say!

I always see rudeness as a weakness of character, but I know we're all fighting our own battles.

[Midori]

Sometimes there isn't a reason, other than the other person was having a bad day and just took her angst out on you.

Put it behind you, you did nothing wrong, but some folk cannot see that some folk do things without expecting a reward. Nowadays there are entitled folk who are always thinking that everyone has a 'angle', and 'No-one does owt for nowt', and you may just have encountered one of them.

They aren't all like that. Unfortunately it says far more about her than it does about you. Let it go, and carry on with Your life. You cannot waste valuable life time agonising about what folk think or say. It was a kind thought and a shame you couldn't see your friend, but had to put up with that joyless person.

There is a saying which I keep for days like this. 'Yesterday is History; Tomorrow is a Mystery; All we have is the Present, and that is the Gift!'

Cheers, Midori

[EndUser13 in reply to Midori]

Thank you, Midori

[hypercat54]

Hi I think the first thing you need to do is separate your own behaviour from someone else's. You can't control what other people do and how they think, only your reaction to it.

Of course it hurts when someone is rude to you but as long as you know you are polite and done nothing wrong then their behaviour is nothing to do with you. It's 100% down to them.

Oh and you sound like a people pleaser? Not having a go but just observing and this is very common. But I have learnt it's a one way ticket to nowhere. You haven't got to be all things to all people and cater to their moods and whims.

I hope this has helped a bit.

[Midori in reply to hypercat54]

Well said Hypercat!

Cheers, midori

[EndUser13 in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah this is sound advice, I feel less annoyed after some time has passed.

I do have a habit of wanting people to be happy or not wanting to cause problems, I think this is common among people with mental health issues where they end up being sensitive to those around them, as if to compensate for their own concerns.

Thank you for your advice!

[hypercat54 in reply to EndUser13]

This is part of needing to be in control and taking charge of others behaviour. Step back and realise it's not your job or your responsibility to look after others to the detriment of yourself.

Of course be nice to people and polite but don't worry too much about them or think you have got to fix it for them. This is a lesson I learned in time and life is so much better now when I expect people to be responsible for their own actions and lives.

I still do this sometimes and did the other week. In my local shop the assistant looked stressed so I made a little joke to try and make them smile. Well it didn't work and they just got more stressed and a bit snappy about it. I apologised the next time I saw them and he was fine. But I thought I needed to really learn this lesson once and for all.

[EndUser13 in reply to hypercat54]

I disagree with the motivation here on a personal level, but I could see where this might be an issue for some people. I don't want to control others, I'm just over-sensitized from trauma based on years of being stuck in an abusive situation. Conflict isn't appealing, generally speaking, and I wouldn't want to negatively influence others the way I have been.

I pity people who can't take a joke or are negative by default, they're missing out and hurting themselves 😒