I feel stuck today. Not sure if I'm tired or just overwhelmed, maybe both 🤔I don't want to 'give in' to the urge to hide away because that will just make things worse but it feels too hard to think about doing the simplest things that are usually automatic. I've noticed this feeling get worse through the week. I used to do Yoga Nidra which seemed to help settle things down and I stopped, for some reason, maybe it's time to get back to it.
Thing is, I resent my PTSD today, and am angry that I've been left with it and the people who caused it just got on with their lives.
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I did some Yoga Nidra and realise I'm tired. I've noticed the tinnitus that is part of my Long Covid is quite loud, and I feel tearful, a sure sign of fatigue, so I must rest, fortunately I've nothing urgent to do just things I want to do but they can wait.
Thing is we all get episodes don't we when we feel angry and frustrated as I was yesterday evening over a phone call at 4.30pm as I had felt it had been done deliberately and maliciously to wind me up as I was exhausted after a long day but thought it through from their perspective and more than likely no it wasn't done to be deliberate and malicious just to wind me up but thankfully I had stayed polite!
Another skill I have learned is looking at things through someone else's eyes and having a think of why they did the things they did and was that phone call done deliberately to wind me up and thinking about it no more than likely it wasn't.
Thinking about things from someone else's perspective changes your reaction to things and it turned my anger and resentment over being disturbed into compassion!
I was exhausted and that call was the final blow as things always seem worse when you are exhausted!
Today I have stayed in and kept busy and productive thankful that I never got that job I went for yesterday as the place is a dump and I didn't have to worry about that call today!
Very true on trying to see through the lens of others. I think that's a situation thing we have to figure out.
I've had a very slow start this am. It's 10 am in my part of the USA. I have an appointment shortly with zero motivation to get out the door. I need some of your energy.
Once I get out I will be fine. Work for me Saturday and then 2 rest days 🥳
I don't look at things from others perspective for their benefit it's something I do for my own benefit and sanity as when you walk round angry and bitter say over things like the 4.30pm phone call the person you damage the most is yourself!
It was nice this morning being in and away from those crowded buses at 8am and catching up on the washing and job hunting and then a walk out after lunch for some fresh air and exercise!
Hi Dolphin, I'm feeling lots better now, thanks, the tinnitus is still there but I know it will subside eventually. I'm dressed now and have just done a 5 minute tai chi I found on YouTube in my living room and now am having a healthy snack. Small steps will get me there, so helpful to be able to bring this somewhere. Thanks for your unending support 💕
Yesterday I was tired as well as I had had an extra early start at 5.30am to go for an interview in Newport at 9am and they sneaked in a typing test and never said they were doing one on the invite letter which I thought was naughty!
Nowadays I expect anything to get thrown at me at interview so I just got on with it and gave it my best!
After the interview I went into town and had a wander round the shops and treated myself to some hot drinks at the wetherspoons in the town centre which is a nice one to go to and sat down and did job applications and then got the bus to go down to restart at 1pm!
Restart was very good and helpful and the tutor was nice and they said about what to do when things get you down and how with interviews lots of things are out of your hands like when someone has unofficially been given a job before anyone goes for their interviews and how you shouldn't blame yourself for things that are out of your hands!
There was a chap there my age who was very negative about things and a young lad who didn't contribute and just sat their with his arms folded fed up with things and a few who didn't turn up at all and didn't ring to let them know which is very rude!
On Tuesday restart had said to me I didn't have to do yesterday's session and could go home after my interview if I wanted as I would be too tired to go there but I assured them I was happy to see them at 1pm yesterday for the booked course and that I did!
I had just finished at restart and that job had rung and I had missed the call and you would think the world had ended when they had left a message on the answerphone annoyed because I wasn't there!
Thing is I can't always be available to answer the phone can I?
I decided to come straight home from restart as I was knackered and I was on the bus and the phone went and I picked it up that time and it was that job ringing me to say I hadn't got the job and I can't say I was upset over it but thankful I had been told early so didn't have to worry about it again!
I came home and had decided on some time to relax as I was tired acting on the advice restart had given me but no such luck as the phone went at 4.30pm and I became extremely annoyed as I was tired but answered it anyway and thankfully managed to stay polite!
With regard to not getting the job yesterday I do feel it was no loss as I wouldn't have been happy working there!
Today I decided on a day in as I had no other commitments to honour bar some job hunting this morning and catching up on the washing and feel being in did me good and the morning was nice and productive and had lunch in as well and then a walk after lunch which helped me feel better and had a think about why I had felt put out and angry over that phone call at 4.30pm and came up with the idea that it had been a long day and I was exhausted and when that call happened it was the last straw when thankfully I had stayed polite on it and thinking about things from their point of view like was it really deliberate and malicious to ring me at 4.30pm when I was tired from the long day and came up with how they wouldn't have known about me feeling shattered and wanting to have gone to bed early and not feeling well when they rang me at that time as I find it helps when you look at things from another perspective it turns your anger and resentment into compassion and changes your view on things!
Thing is with things like anger and resentment they like a target to aim at like that call at 4.30pm was as initially I had felt it was done to be deliberate and malicious to wind me up as when you are exhausted any little thing will set you off but having a look from another perspective more than likely no it wasn't deliberate and malicious just to wind me up!
Hi Turnip, I get that, when I'm tired it's hard not to react in the moment. I try to manage my energy so I don't get there but sometimes it's unavoidable. I've got quite good at taking a breath before reacting which works most of the time 😏
I do feel that with time and experience I have got a lot better with managing not to react in the moment like with that phone call yesterday evening when I managed to stay polite!
It's amazing how small things like that can really wind you up!
Thank you for posting, I'm following your progress with interest. So many things you mention, which apply to me also, that I have yet to put my finger on.
I've just started reading Miranda Hart " I haven't been entirely honest with you" I love her and hadn't twigged she'd disappeared for a while.
From the back cover "You may not expect this but I have spent large parts of the last decade really rather ill and feeling very aline"
Already she's making me laugh with her style of writing. I heard her interview on R4 and a friend recomended reading about her recovery.
Hey GS,I'm glad you find my posts useful. I find it easier to process things when I write about them and am never without my journal. I've had lots of therapy over the years but this is the first time I've shared my feelings in a group situation, my shame always held me back. So having read Brene Brown's book, after a while, I'm not really sure how but I found myself here amongst people who really understand 💕
Today has been a productive morning in catching up on the washing and having lunch in which saves money and having a walk after lunch and staying away from the crowded 8am buses and traffic!
Yesterday was hectic though with that 5.30am start to go to that interview in Newport at 9am and the restart at 1pm where there was a lad there who just sat in the class looking fed up and didn't contribute anything!
I was shattered though after I finished at restart at 2pm and then received the phone call that I hadn't got the job I had gone for in Newport but I can't say I was upset over it as the place is a dump!
Thankfully I didn't have to worry about that call today!
the hardest thing for me is trying to remember that my overall well being is just as important as anyone else's. Tend to put myself on the back burner a lot
Lately I have times when I have thought angrily that I have as much right to prioritise my well being as much as anyone else has as why exactly are others more important than I am?
exactly....although for me...and my mind...helping others is very therapeutic for me....it can also be very detrimental to me....because i get so focused on everyone else that I sometimes(ok a lot of times).....sweep my issues under the rug
oh my...that is definitely a struggle....I have ptsd and I hate it.....work environment has created a lot of it....just remember that sometimes the success of current day is to survive it and continue the "fight" the next day....always here for ya if you need to talk
The last paragraph you wrote really resonated with me. How does one come to terms with the fact that the people who caused the PTSD just simply get to move on with their lives? Where's the justice? I really struggle with dealing with the anger I feel towards those people. I hope you are feeling a bit better than you were earlier.
After my father died back in 2021 I was full of anger and resentment over the situation and I got told off for supposedly being bitter!
As time has passed by it has helped me come to terms with what happened and the anger and resentment is a lot better now time has passed by as the wound isn't raw anymore.
Yes, the anger. I have been helped a lot with dealing with it by my therapist so I can now notice it's presence and allow it but don't get caught up by it. It's been so helpful.
I have days like that, but I no about Karma, we may not ever see the results of what others have done to us, but one day they have to face God. I am also a sufferer from P T S D, so I understand your exhaustion some days are. better than others but we have to keep going. They will not win. It’s something you have to keep saying to yourself as I say to myself one day at a time, God bless you I pray tomorrow will be much better than today Love Liz.
We can never be sure what someone else is suffering. They may be miserable people. Leave them to God's justice. I find a few prayers can kick me on difficult days.bI repeat them often throughout the day. It's kind of like adding a bit of fuel in the tank. it keeps you going. I will put you on my prayer board for a few weeks. You are important and worthy of good things and thoughts.
One of my friends said how life had waited until my father was out of the way to let me have the life that was meant for me not the life my father had wanted for me and how it was no happy accident when I was evicted back in 2023 and brought to the life that I was meant to have!
It's sad isn't it and unfair to everyone involved to live your unfulfilled dreams through your children!
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Hello. New and tired. 
My daughter has been rejecting me for a long time
Am I worrying too much?
