Confused

[Sparky52011]

I'll start by saying I have been a firefighter for almost 20 and I have seen a lot of bas things, but only 2 calls have really affected me, although I do cry for a bit for patients or victims I lose. My problem is much more personal than a providing care for a stranger. Over 2 years ago my aunt was murdered and my uncle shot in a home robbery. I used to have a fascination for trains. I loved watching them, hearing the horn, and feeling the vibration through the ground as it went by. I went to the small town my aunt and uncle lived in to watch the train, not knowing the horror I would encounter. On my way to the tracks, I kept having to pull over for emergency vehicles. Once I got to the tracks, I saw all of the emergency vehicles and my aunt and uncle's house. I assumed there had been a car crash in the curve at their driveway. But my gut and years of experience working crashes told me there were too many law enforcement vehicles for a crash. So, I went up to an officer amd asked if my aunt and uncle were okay. These were all people I knew and worked with on many calls. I could immediately tell there was something he didn't want to tell me. Finally, he told me I needed to call my father because there had been a tragedy. My father didn't answer his phone so I called my sister. While I was on the phone and told her I think something had happened to our aunt and uncle and our father to needed to come, I heard my step-mother scream through the phone. My sister confirmed that our aunt had been shot and did not survive. For several hours, I had to put my grief aside and do what had be done, as I was the only one with the ability to do so. I should point out that I am a military veteran and did seek help. After 2 sessions, the therapist told me I was resilient and she didn't see a need to keep seeing her. But I'm not okay. I could draw a diagram detailing where every emergency vehicle was parked. That night is embeddes in my memory. I no longer enjoy a train. I can't hear one or see one without having what I refer to as an "episode." I immediately draw up, put my hands over my ears, go back to that night, and uncontrollably. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, nor do I have a lot of the symptoms. I know it's not normal and I'm confused as to what is. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

I think you need to see someone. You are being triggered by the train. It's bringing you back to the night of the traumatic event.

That is a sign of PTSD. The sooner you get evaluated the better you will be in the long run.

[Shy_Guy]

I am really sorry that you had this experience. Really awful.

Every person handles things differently. I have had a lot of bad things happen to me but it seems some of them effected me deeply and others did not so much.

My brother lived through the same things and seemed to live a smooth life while I was effected greatly. I had to go to therapy for many years and was diagnosed with PTSD before the letters had much meaning to me.

PTSD is more understood now and there is specific therapy for PTSD but when I was diagnosed there wasn’t the understanding. I think there was so therapists that meant well but hurt me more than helped.

I hope you find someone that understands PTSD and you can figure out if it fits. Only you will know or maybe a therapist will know.

Until then, you are welcome to post here. There are a lot of very good people around the world that care for each other. Good luck to you

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

I’m so sorry that you went through That traumatic event.

Yes that is PTSD it’s after the trauma the stress occurs.

I’m not very happy with the therapist that you went to because going to therapy doesn’t mean a therapist is going to tell you when you’re done you tell the therapist when you’re done

so I would look for a new therapist

that’s a very traumatic event that you went through and thank you for being a firefighter and I’m sorry for all the things you have to see.

Yes you need to grieve and grieve in your own time and in your own way

and the sounds and tracks of the train trigger memories.

Oh yes we have triggers.

I hope that you can find the support that you need and we are here for you and we are very safe place

we’ve all been through different things on different levels

I personally think everybody in the world can have PTSD at different times of our lives

so believe me you’re not alone I hope that you can seek out what you need if that’s therapy

if that’s being with us telling us how you feel

there are people from all over the world on the site and someone is always on the site

it takes hard work to grieve and heal from what we’ve all experienced but just know that you’re not alone

and I hope that you have more support with other people in your group.

I don’t know if there’s a firefighter association or other help that you can seek out

I know that your job is to rescue people but we have to rescue ourselves

You are asking for what you need and you are doing that

and it’s really great you don’t always have to be the strong one even though in your job you probably feel required to be

but I’m sure that there are resources that you can reach out to

and tell someone maybe groups And books you can read that would help you

you really have to find your journey and what works for you

I hope you have an outlet if you create art if you pull weeds in the garden do you like to ride a bike we all need an outlet

if you write in a journal a place to put your feelings you just need to find what works for you

I’m really glad you’re here and please let us know how you’re doing.

[Midori]

Hello Sparky;

It certainly sounds as if it could be PTSD. Please see your doctor about it as soon as you can. There are organisations which can also help.

I am assuming you are in the USA. If you are still an active firefighter it would be better for you to get help now, rather than leave the situation to get worse.

Cheers, Midori

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

Hi sparky. I’m deeply sorry for what you have endured, often times with ptsd we can be going along doing well and one small thing brings us to our knees. As others have said it does sound like ptsd from what you’ve written and the small thing for you seems to be the train, it’s like we block out the horrific for a time but something linked to it will flood it all back in. Having experienced that flooding I know it in so well. There is good news though, I’ve found with emdr those flooding said or triggering are a lot less now though they will still happen it had reached a point where it happened so much and I was busy trying to block the actual memory out I was exhausted. I do hope your able to find someone who is useful 8n helping you through all of this. Two sessions doesn’t sound like enough to process the memories and the fact the train is such a trigger suggests it wasn’t.

[Ellen6 Major Contributor]

That sounds horrific. I’m sorry to hear you have endured all that. The fact the train triggers the memory does sound like it could be ptsd. To be honest I’m surprised your therapist said that.

2 sessions is not nearly enough.

I’ve been told I’m pretty resilient - and I am and manage pretty well but that doesn’t mean I don’t have ptsd or don’t need therapy.

I’m not sure where you live. If you are UK you’d be able to get help on the NHS but I have a feeling from reading you may not be UK. If you can - maybe try and get a different therapist. There are lots therapies for PTSD. I’ve found EMDR really good. World be worth googling it

I hope you are able to get the help you need 🌸🌼🌻