How to get rid of bad thoughts?

[greenrainbow]

Hi guys, I haven’t posted in a while. The isolation is really dragging me down and I find it very hard to get off the couch which is also my work place now for five weeks. I am becoming more and more exhausted and obsessive thoughts (if that’s even the term) are killing me slowly. I had a very painful breakup two years ago and I’ve been thinking about it every day. Apparently the more you try to chase away negative thoughts, the stronger they become according to my psychologists (yes I’ve had quite a few and currently see two). Since I fought these negative thoughts a lot, I have gigantic monsters now that won’t go away ever it seems. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep and if I do I have nightmares. Now with the quarantine it’s 10000 times worse. These thoughts just feed from all my fears, negative emotions and my pure rage that I’m wasting my life constantly thinking about someone who hurt me so badly but doesn’t give a shit about it or me. Do you have any advice ? I can’t see my new psychologists during the holidays and I’m just going crazy by myself...

[Mickey1953]

I'm sorry you are going through this at all, let alone through a quarantine.

It's really hard to get over someone who you cared so much about and the caring wasn't returned. I went through the same thing, years ago, when I became so obsessed with a guy that it just overwhelmed everything else.

I got mad at him and decided not to speak to him for over a year (he had moved several hours away after college graduation). I raged at him in my mind for that time, sometimes writing it down in the form of a letter that never got sent. That helped some, and I decided to try to call him, to "have it out" with him.

I couldn't find a phone number on him, so decided to call his parents. His mother answered the phone, and when I asked, she said, "Oh, I am so sorry, we didn't let you know... I thought we called everyone... he died six months ago, after a brief bout with cancer."

I was devastated. He never thought himself to call me? His privacy was more important than my feelings? (Years later, when I was diagnosed with cancer myself, I came to terms with his reasoning - I understood why he did what he did,) But at the time, I was just sick, with unresolved feelings of loss, and grief - I would never see him again - and felt like I had wasted years of my life.

I kept writing, and worked out my feelings that way, knowing they would never be sent, or heard, but it was my way of boxing all that up so I could put it away and try to start living again.

That is a technique I have continued to use through the years in other painful situations. Eventually, I started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with chronic depression and started taking fluoxetine, which has helped me overall.

But eventually, I realized there was more wrong than just depression, I realized I had issues from my childhood, that I now realize is cPTSD. That was a whole new struggle, of understanding the dynamics of what had been done to me.

I was fortunate by then to have a loving husband who actually had a more traumatic childhood than I had, and for the time I had him, 12 years, he was my rock. Then he passed away, and I've been alone ever since. My husband told me he wanted me to go on living, find someone, get married and be happy... I told him he was going to be a hard act to follow.

I tried, to date, too soon, I know. Nothing ever clicked, none of them were even close to the person my husband was, so I finally stopped trying. I decided to think of myself as still married, but he was on a really long business trip.

I've gotten used to the solitude, I have a few good friends, and I can come here and talk to others who understand emotional pain.

While you can't see your therapists, try writing down everything you would tell them if you could. That way, your mind won't keep looping over the feelings endlessly. And, there are hotlines listed here if things get really bad. You can get through this.

Sending hugs and empathy...

[PinkTeddy in reply to Mickey1953]

I just read your post and have a very similar situation. I also have cPTSD from a very traumatic childhood and then unhealthy environments that continued in my life.

This situation is definitely more challenging but I too have found writing to be really helpful.

[greenrainbow in reply to Mickey1953]

Thank you for sharing. You have been through a lot and hearing your experience is valuable for me. I need to start writing indeed. I used to do it but will go back now again. All the best wishes and stay healthy!