Flashbacks of the way my brother looked after he ended it as I thought I needed to see him (my mom found him) but I didn’t realize it would trouble me for life. I just now got triggered by a similar suicide in a movie I am watching. My days are without him and what I do have left over is the fear of reliving the shock reliving the horror of moments I can’t change I can’t evade as I think about not knowing for sure where he is now.
I pray he is in a place of light and love and peace. I forgive him for taking parts of my peace away. I had a dream of him long ago... everything was white and he was smiling... ❤️
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Starrlight
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Hi Star, how are you? Just read your post. Not sure if I told you I also had a brother who committed sucide back to back with a cousin. The anniversary was recent. That has to be a horrible memory to relive. My brother jumped off a bridge , So fortunately I don’t have that memory. When there we’re times when I felt that way I thought I would rent a room, I wouldn’t let my kids find me to go though what you and your mom did. I’ll pray for you and your mom to get through this 🙏
I’m so sorry you’re having these flashbacks. My best friend killed her self 10 years ago. I pray for her every day. I believe she is in a place Of light, like your brother. It’s so hard to find any peace in it. God guide us.
I’m so sorry for your loss and traumatic flashbacks Starrlight. I lost my brother to suicide 16years ago and I literally can’t believe that number of years has passed without him even as I type it.
I still miss him so much it physically hurts sometimes. I just welled up with tears on the way to work last week missing him. I still miss him so dearly every day.
Fortunately, for me, I didn’t find him. A family member mentioned some disturbing things to me afterward but still nothing too overly graphic and I still struggled even with that.
I truly don’t know that I could have handled finding him. Seeing him in the hospital afterward was hard enough.
Suicides in movies trigger me especially when using same method he did. Suicides in the news always trigger me deeply too. Unfortunately there’s always far too many.
I struggle not knowing where he is right now too. Even though I believe in God, it’s still hard for me to visualize or know where he is for sure. Which hurts so so deeply when you miss and love them so desperately.
I try to have faith and believe he’s at peace in the Light with God now.
Sending you my deepest empathy regarding your pain and trauma over this devastating loss.
Hugging you tight and wishing you healing light and love. ❤️ I am so sorry for your loss.
It’s been 24 years since my brother died and the anniversary of his death is coming up, and I think I’m recalling it more because I’m ready to talk about it and heal some more. It sounds like you are healing too but in that healing there’s the pain which goes along.
I hear you. I get triggered too. ❤️ (((((((Hug)))))) ❤️
I agree I wish we could have more confirmation that they are in a good place. I dreamed once that he was,... there was all white around and he was dressed in white and had a white car and he was smiling and looked so happy and full of love. ❤️ I hold onto that dream.
Thank you so much for your hugs and understanding.
That is a beautiful and extremely comforting dream of/from your brother.
For a long time after, I only had nightmares about my brother. I was working through processing the incomprehensible and working through all the guilt many suicide survivors experience.
Then, after quite a long time, I had one particular dream of him...it was so real and so vivid it truly felt like he was visiting me (though I was asleep in a dream).
He hugged me really tight...he made me look up at him so we were looking directly at each other and he said, “It wasn’t your fault.” We hugged again and said I love you to each other.
He seemed so calm, confident, embodied and at peace. Quite opposite of what his mental illness made him feel.
That dream was a pivotal turning point in my healing. It truly did help release much of the guilt I was feeling. “Hearing from him” was like healing balm to my broken soul
All my nightmares before that were horrific distortions of my brother. He suffered from mental illness and I think my nightmares were showing me how he suffered in different ways.
They gave me even more empathy for the severe pain and suffering he endured. It put his terrible decision into even more and deeper context which ultimately was a profound gift for my desperate need to understand.
Then when I had this other dream of him it was truly him...the brother I knew and loved and it was all so clear and comforting.
That was the only one. I’ve never had one since even when I’ve prayed and asked. But it was the most important one I needed and I’m sure it came at the perfect time when I was ready to receive it.
I think our loved ones do sometimes visit us in our dreams after they pass to send us messages of love, comfort and reassurance.
I did feel less lost about where he is after that dream. He definitely seemed “still there” somewhere and restored to his truest self.
Your dream sounds like the most beautiful kind of message and reassurance as well. Thank you for sharing that beautiful image of your brother. It brings me comfort as well.
May we both bask in the comfort and truth of these dreams.
I really believe our loved ones who have passed on are still with us and can be with us when we feel our love for them. I've had several experiences that helped me to know this. A very memorable one involved my aunt, who I was close to. A few nights after she passed on, as I was going to sleep, I was thinking about where she had lived and how much I missed her. Then I felt a very gentle, caring movement over my hand, as if someone had caressed my hand. I knew at that moment it was my aunt, and I felt very comforted. I believe they give us comfort when we need it.
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