How to restore a friendship

[greenrainbow]

Hi, I’m reaching out for some support because I don’t know how to restore a friendship I lost last year. I have been friends with a girl for 15 years (since elementary school). She has been my rock for ages and I have been very grateful for that. I’ve also helped her out as well. We of course also had plenty of fun times throughout the years and talked sometimes even daily despite often being in different countries. Two years ago though I ended up deeply traumatized, feeling trapped in depression worse than ever before. In the beginning she was there for me as usual but soon she wasnt. She even told me at several occasions some terrible things. She was going through her own problems, started seeing a therapist and working on her own traumas. Thus I was justifying her in the beginning but then after an argument (our first one ever in 15 years) it was just the last drop. I shut down and internally I kept on trying to justify her but I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. We tried talking and we were both honest and wanted to solve the issue but it didn’t work. It’s been a year now and she is still writing to me every month to check how I’m doing but I can’t make myself talk to her. I’m just deeply hurt and don’t want to be hurt even more. She knows that and she’s understanding but I’m not sure how much longer we can sustain such interactions. I think I’ve now realized that her behavior was horrible (I don’t want to give details because it’s very harsh) and I shouldn’t justify it anymore but I don’t know how to rebuild a trusting relationship. Rationally I know that she cares since she’s still writing to me and wants to fix it. She apologized once but In my head there’s not not enough proof. I still can’t make myself talk to her. Have you been through something similar? How do you rebuild trust?

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

She cares about you if she's checking in. But, just checking in doesn't mean she wants to build that same relationship either.

If you want to rebuild trust you have to give her something to work with to prove trust.

But, relationships do end and people move on. That's part of life that we have to accept.

[Delzek]

Unless you both move on and give each other some leeway or something that you both can work with ,or work on you will be stuck in a rut as they say! One of you has to start the wheels moving, I made a reply to another thread where I said " we have to look forward and stop looking back" I think we can learn from the past but we should never dwell on it! It causes to much Heartache for all concerned ! Your friend has made the first move by writing to you, and even apologising ! That speaks Volumes, she is prepared to admit her mistakes, it's now up to you to move forward ,"Forgiveness" is a wonderful thing as it can open so many new doors as you are closing the damaged ones!

[greenrainbow in reply to Delzek]

Thank you for the nice reply! You made some very good points and it really is up to me now. However I have realized that I’m so traumatized in general that I don’t have the energy to try anymore. Not only with her but with anyone. So I’m just sitting at home crying and when I’m out I’m putting on a mask and building a wall between me and the world. I am also getting into the great habit of crying while working... I hope I get a good therapist finally and the strength to become part of the world again as before.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi greenrainbow,

It's really tough with someone who was very close.

I had a long friendship where we both had issues but didn't always communicate or not really knew what was happening.

We talked a lot but there was a lot still unsaid. I moved abroad and it put a strain on us.

If both of you are willing to accept the other person with the struggles, then this should be stronger than any situations in the past.

I sincerely hope that you can find a way to talk through painful things and pit them behind you so that you can continue your friendship and support each other.

[greenrainbow in reply to Nathalie99]

Hi Nathalie, thank you for this and the previous replies to my threads. I know you are also someone with experience abroad and you know how this affects relationships. Unfortunately, I recently realized that I have a very deep attachment trauma

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to greenrainbow]

I'm very sorry, I suffered it too. It is very tough. Will think about it and share when I'm able to.

Sending lots of support. You are not alone...

[greenrainbow in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you for the kind words. Sending you support and best wishes too!

[Hidden]

Sometimes "time" is needed.Sounds like u both may need time,BUT doesn't mean forever.If its meant to be then it will be.

Plus ..u r still talking even if not on a regular basis..thats pretty huge in itself I think.

Maybe its time to do "U"...and maybe things will fall back in place when u both r in a healthier state of mind and being.

Fate has a funny way of happening.

Best to u.

[greenrainbow in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the positive words!