Ruminating thoughts: I did something horrible... - Heal My PTSD

Heal My PTSD
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Ruminating thoughts

Hidden
Hidden

I did something horrible to someone two years ago. Not physical but emotional....long story. This was all as a result of trauma that I experienced. How does one stop the self hate and rumination that goes along with that. My husband keeps saying ‘god, it’s not like you killed someone’ though I feel like I did.

I take sertraline but it doesn’t seem to help much. I have been diagnosed with Ocd, anxiety and depression.

Thank you.

17 Replies
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Sometimes it’s really easy to feel very resentful toward other people for a variety of reasons yet we are really all here to just live our own lives

perhaps at the moment that you did something maybe it seems like the best thing to do at the time but now You realize that it wasn’t

so the only thing you can do is just try to Move on and be as good of a person as you are now

I think sometimes we try to control the behavior of other people or we tell other people what to do because we feel like then we have control over something when really the only thing that we need to do is just live the best life that we can

Have you ever thought about apologizing and asking for forgiveness? Maybe that is what your inner world is asking you to do, which means your heart is good and functioning

I was going to share the same thought. I can't tell you how invaluable making amends has been for my peace and self esteem. I hurt a lot of people and did some pretty rotten things. But my side of the street is clean now and it's very freeing. I did, however, talk over my intentions with a spiritual guide first before I did anything. Jumping into it on my own was not a good plan. Even if it's your therapist.

SavingGrace
SavingGraceVolunteer

I echo others thoughts - we are human and can experience unwanted thoughts at any time. It does not mean that we are those thoughts..... we have our heart, our soul, our fears and our dreams too. These all combine to allow us to shine on through.

At some point, I hope you can come to terms with the regret and heal, forgive yourself. It is so important. It does not mean we are lost - the fact that you seek the light means so so much. Blessings x

Try imagining telling yourself you forgive yourself and I love you and you are free to let go you are worthy you are human your feelings say you are leaning and you did and that’s what matters with compassion as if that person did to you what you did. Flogging yourself is not right. All good people make poor choices. It’s about living a good life from learning

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to guitara69

Only problem is if someone did the same thing to me I would have been livid...however my relative wasn’t....I should be happy that he wasn’t but I just can’t forgive myself for my stupidity during a manic episode,

guitara69
guitara69
in reply to Hidden

Ok so think this through. You have a relationship with your relative and they love you enough to forgive you because they KNOW you have manic episodes and you’re trying and you feel very badly. You’re angry with yourself and ashamed. If someone else loves you enough to forgive you they’re trying to tell you to love yourself enough to forgive yourself because you deserve it.

Mentally write a thank you note in your head and imagine mailing it them receiving it and being very happy. They’re forgiveness btw is they’re happiness you’re doing something about your problem taking your meds doing the work. That’s all they want from you. That’s enough that’s love.

Yeah, what Guitara69 said.

Perhaps this is what is going on?:

“Forgiving yourself will do more for you in terms of healing your shame than almost anything you can do. Forgive yourself for the abuse itself. You were an innocent victim who did not deserve to be abused. Forgive yourself for the ways you re-enacted the abuse. You were full of shame, and as you have learned, shame causes us to do horrendous things to ourselves and others.”

Beverly Engel, LMFT “It Wasn’t Your Fault” - page 183.

Hidden
Hidden

True....very true...I need to work on all this. Thank you...you are kind and wise.

All I can do is be kind and pay it forward to others. I can’t change what I’ve done. I can change the life of as many people as I come across who need help. I’m not talking money only. I’m talking kind words, hugs, cheeriness, caring, and paying attention.

You were a lesson to that person for a reason. Sometimes we never know why but it wouldn’t hurt for you to pay it forward. It helped me.

Did you ever do anything horrible to someone else?

It is absolutely true that others can forgive us long before we find the way to forgive ourselves in many situations. If you have learned from this previous incident then maybe you can look at it from the perspective of a valuable and maybe even necessary experience in shaping you to become a better person. Sadly it seems that we learn far more from our mistakes and regrets than through any other means. Does this make sense?

I also have similarly dealt with my behavior during mania---its very hard to see ourselves behave in ways that shock us and come to terms with that...probably the hardest thing. But it is something very frightening to go through and it can happen to anyone. To be hard on ourselves on top of that is too much

What is the worst thing that you have ever done?

I wasn't there for my dad when he was dying and in pain. I wasn't there, he didn't feel loved, he was alone and scared because i wasn't there. I know that wasn't my fault though. What is actually hardest to get over is i behaved in ways and said very ugly things and many people saw me this way-was mean and just disturbing. Before i ever had that condition i thought that if someone acts a certain way no matter what his condition-alcaholism, mania-than theres truth in it. Now i know that its not like that. That wasn't really me, i've never been that way.

Oh I can relate. I posted some awful untrue stuff online about a sweet relative of mine. I have no idea why I did it. The only explanation I have is that it was as the result of the trauma I experienced at the hands of someone else. This happened over a year ago and I still haven’t forgiven myself,,,,though they have forgiven me.

Do you take medication...just curious. Thanks,

You don't have to know the reason you said it, you weren't in your right mind and the mind can be a really weird place. There was no clear or important reason...for me the humiliation was really hard to bare--as trivial as it may sound compared to everything else. I take seroquel in a low dose for anxiety and kolonopin as needed but they actually dont help much

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