Hello! I’m brand new to this app and I’m glad that I found it! I know that almost everyone has some sort of intimacy issues so I hope that I’m not going to be explaining this incorrectly so that everyone understands. I also hope someone can relate !
So without sharing too much, I have been taught to not trust men from a very young age and it has shown in the years that I’ve been dating. I also have had a pattern of men that a chose that are really not good for me. I am 26 and within the passed two years I have since grown stronger after a TERRIBLE, long and abusive relationship. It took a lot of time to heal but I did and I actually fixed myself a great amount during the process.
After I took time to be single I fell into another unexpected relationship with a man that really did treat me right and helped me excel in all areas of life.
This man ended up cheating on me and it threw me back to how I was before. I took time AGAIN to be single for a year and I unexpectedly am now currently in a relationship with another man. I am over all of my exes but the hurt is still there. This man I am dating now is WONDERFUL and I fear that I am hurting him or pushing him away because of my PTSD. He understands and knows my issues with intimacy and has been there every time I have a “moment”. I am not able to fully enjoy the relationship I am in because my thoughts are back and I am constantly in a state of panic. Is there anyone out there that really struggles with this as well ?
I understand that women that have the same issues as me are pinned as just crazy and want attention and I honestly wish that was the case. Every time he picks up his phone I want to cry IMMEDIATELY and it’s just not fair to both of us. I am actively trying to change for ME.
Edit: please don’t comment on how I should not be in a relationship. I am very self aware of myself and I am worthy of this love that this current man gives me. I am simply looking for people that can relate, maybe help someone along the way that is similar to me and maybe a coping mechanism that someone has successfully used.
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jc2jz
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Hi I’m very happy you have found a nice guy! He sounds very supportive and caring which is amazing ! Don’t listen to people telling you that you need to solve your traumas before getting into a relationship. If everyone did that then there would be mostly only single people on earth. Having a relationship can actually be a great helping tool to heal. I suggest you also seek therapy. It sounds like you have unresolved traumas and for that you need a professional. I have also had a history of very bad relationships and I realized professional help was the way forward. Good luck and keep us updated
You sound like me... I'm often not looking for advice as such because I already feel self aware and know what I need to do in the situation but I post because I'm looking for emotional support, and if I need/want direct advice, I'll ask for it.
Not much to say other than we're a similar age (25 and a half) and yeah I can relate. Due to being disabled and living with PTSD I have had trouble with intimacy too.
Recently got ghosted by a guy I was dating... I would assume because his own insecurity got in the way of him taking my reason(s) for not being able to socialise at face value... reading into it too much when it was genuinely my disabilities getting in the way... and then... nothing.
Some people say not to worry and maybe he's busy but the evidence is over whelming that this is what he's doing.
I hope I can find an understanding partner one day but for now I would happily be a crazy cat lady to be honest... I know there's a stigma attached to wanting to live on one's own with cats but I don't see why there should be!
It's how I feel... I love both my cats... and they are both great company without over crowding me - if I'm upset they can tell and they'll comfort me, but they won't demand to know why. They won't go thinking I'm just being difficult and there's something I'm not telling them... they are kind and non judgemental. They don't care about what I wear etc either.
Anyway, I'm really glad you've found someone nice and good on you for taking time for YOU when a relationship has gone wrong in the past.
I'm sorry for what you've been through and that you're still hurting.
It's hard... sometimes when there's so much past hurt it's hard to accept anything good.
I believe love is the most powerful emotion and the core of one's strength and with it we can overcome. I really hope that this relationship will work out but most of allI hope you can over come your past hurt so that you can embrace the future...
Remember that whatever the outcome of the relationship that it doesn't lessen your value either way. You're valuable just for being you. You are worthy of love. Just as you are.
You did not deserve to be treated the way you were treated in the past and it was NOT your fault. How those people treated you is utterly inexcusable.
I hope, if you don't already, that you realise your value and you'll find a way of letting go of the hurt. But I know it's easier said than done.
Also, like with there being stigma about being a crazy cat lady, the idea that women who've been through trauma and struggle with their MH and emotion regulation are "crazy"... it shouldn't be the case. You're not crazy. You've been hurt and you're having a human reaction. I know you probably know that already I just wanted to reiterate... stigma is so damaging.
Anyway... romantically... I'm lonely, but that's okay. I know I have value as I am and that I'll be okay. And should it go wrong in your relationship, and I hope it doesn't but should it, remember that. You could get through it. I just hope you don't have to. And I hope you find peace. Xx
Good for you to be persisting with searching for a good relationship.
Like you I had an abusive partner and two children, abusive physically, mentally, financially, and in every way calculated to make me utterly dependent on him. When he started on the children, I took them and ran.
Womens' Aid helped me with accommodation, legal help and an injunction. He tried for access to the children, and I fought that too. Eventually he committed suicide, all I felt was a sick relief.
I has left me unable to trust men at anything more than a purely social level. I do not date, nor am I looking for a relationship.
Welcome jc2jz. I know how much of a relief it can be to find a mutually supportive forum like this, so I am glad that you have found this place
I think it is great how you have faced your previous relationships and learnt to heal. I would (personally) love to hear more on how you did this. I just can't seem to figure out ..... or rather [as I write this I realise] to accept why I don't go for better types
It's sooo lovely to hear you have found a wonderful person. Learning to trust again is a biggy. I've been out of the dating scene for over 14 years and have just had to take care of myself. Finding someone who is grounded enough, to deal with anothers life's experiences is huge. It's the difference between finding a man, not a boy!
I look forward to the day where I will find someone great.
I've been healing a lot.
At the end of the day, I think only we know if we trust someone enough with our souls. Or rather, our souls know who we trust at the end of the day. That's a blessing.
What I do know, is that my PTSD made me try and move so very fast.
Whatever you decide, just take care of yourself and never be afraid to ask for understanding. Love is patient, love is kind....
I grew up in a home where sexual abuse was prevalent as well as the concept of trust was very foreign as boundaries were constantly being crossed. It left me bitter and fearful and not wanting to place my trust in any man ever again.
However, as a very small child my parents took me to church and I began a sweet, innocent relationship with God that never left me, gave me tons of peace and joy. So, when I was at my lowest point, not trusting anyone or anything, not even myself, I remembered my sweet Jesus and how he said he would never leave me or forsake me and loved me unconditionally.
At the bottom of my pit of despair, I found a small spark of hope and love and when I turned over all the abuse, the history and the hurts, he began to lovingly heal me and lead and guide me in the path that he had for me. Peace, Love, Forgiveness, Healing.
I don't know where you are at in this life's journey, but I wanted you to know there are answers to your questions, maybe not from this world or another human, but the lover of your soul has a plan for your life if you'll ask him in to your world.
I hope you find peace in your situation. You are loved!
Thank you so much and thank you for sharing your story. My story is a bit like yours when I was a kid. I would also like to add that I do believe in god, but I am more spiritual
My real breakthrough came when God "turned the lightbulb on" of being told by my future husband that I needed to forgive my dad of all the abuse. I literally had never thought of doing that, nor had I ever considered that he even deserved my forgiveness as I considered that a gift he did not deserve. My husband, boyfriend at the time, reminded me that I too did not deserve the forgiveness that was so freely given to me by erasing my sins by Jesus dying on the cross for my sins. It was a gift I didn't deserve or earn. Once I began, as an act of obedience and love, obedience to God as His word says I must forgive others, and love for Him, I forgave my dad. Any time ugly thoughts and memories would arise, I chose to speak forgiveness over him and those events over and over and over again. Eventually it became easier and easier to do and eventually my heart changed where I could at least stand the sight of him again.... but only by the grace of God was I able to begin the healing process. I pray for you!!! There is hope and healing after abuse.
It is a process jc2jz, it was not easy, I literally had to say, "OK, God, I love you and I am doing this out of my love and as an act of obedience because you say this is what I must do to heal" and then did it. I didn't think about it, I just did it because I knew God was for me and not against me and He would never hurt me, He loved me more than anything I'd ever known before. I liken it to sitting down to do taxes, I don't to do it, can't stand doing it, but I do it out of an act of obedience because I have to, it's the law... now I'm using this as an example, by no means reducing God's commands to man's law, but merely making a point.
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