Still crazy after all these years

Seem to have so many diversion mechanisms that stop to some degree my PTSD symptoms but create their own.

Binge Eating..although that's not nearly as bad as when I ate whole big loaf smothered with butter and topped off with strawberry cheesecake,

Non- stop anger at everything in my life..apart from my beautiful cats

OCD tidying up/rearranging till it drives me nuts

Compulsive Ebay shopping ,spending fortune that I don't have etc

If I stop these activities I can't handle how I feel, unbearable pain at how my life has been,still is to some degree

My awful violent childhood that led me to be sectioned at 22

The years I slept all day,

The drug use that gave me Hep C..and the worry about my health

The lonliness and isolation etc

Feel a complete screw up.

And i'm 61..older than most of you.

7 Replies

  • Hi

    Unfortunately we can't stop how we feel and how we react, we can try to control it. Sometimes trying to control it can bring on other symptoms, like over eatin etc.

    I have OCD because I have an illness that I cannot control and because of my past. I find that if I try to control it or am stressed it just makes it worse.

    Do you have any hobbies that could take your mind off of things and stop you from spending money?

    If your at home alone, do you listen to talking books? I find it helps me not dwel on things unless I want to confront things.

    There is no easy answer, we're all different and different things work for different people. Someone's just posted that Pokamon game has helped get them out of the house and exercising. This might not be for you.

    Have you tried yoga and meditation. If you want to try it you can see most things on u tube now.

    I hope you find something that helps you overcome the things that are causing you more distress.

    Good luck and best wishes 😊

  • Many thanks Fibropop for taking the time to reply with helpful suggestions..that i'll try

    Positive diversions..that sounds good

  • You're welcome, I hope it works for you. Keep trying. Good luck!

    Best wishes.

  • I'm so sorry you are going through this, it seems like it's been going on for a very long time. I can see you are very harsh on yourself. Try not to have regrets about the past, you were not to blame. Truly. Try to focus on the present and always have hope for the future.

    I too have stayed indoors for years, wasting my life. I just wasn't able to face it. I'm a little better with getting therapy now but it's still a struggle and I've had a lot of developmental and shock trauma in my childhood. It's terribly hard and all those things you do, the binge eating, compulsive shopping, as you know they are distractions and they work (that's why we do them) but they bring their own pain. Everyone's coping mechanisms are different. I've done all of those things too.

    Now I try to get out for a walk, hug a teddy bear or dog or cat, watch T.V. (with healthier snacks, lots of crunching :-) ) Still binge/overshop on occasion but it makes me feel so much worse the next day.

    Could you try being a bit more gentle with yourself? Absolutely none of that childhood pain was your fault. None of it. You were an innocent child and you suffered at the hands of your caregivers. Try to fully grasp that and you will stop blaming and hurting yourself. You need to direct the anger elsewhere.

    I'm only starting to recognise that now (I'm in my 40's). All those behaviours are self-rejection, they distract but they are not healing (or helping).

    Could you find a good therapist or bodyworker who could help you face the pain very slowly and gradually? Do some contact sport to get the anger outward rather than festering inside where it's hurting you? There's a little child in there too, very sensitive and delicate and she desperately needs the love she didn't get in her youth.

    Could you tolerate something like a massage, even a head massage? Human touch makes me feel so much better and I'm less likely to want to indulge in destructive, distracting behaviours. Could a support group make you feel better. In my experience it really helps.

    And coming here to vent is good too. Hope you start feeling better soon :-)

  • Thanks so much for your wise,caring reply Mijas

    I live in the depths of rural Cornwall..without transport,not even bus near by.. on my own so unable to go anywhere for therapy etc but would if I could

    I need it.

    Your suggestions are all excellent advice

    Thanks again.

  • You're welcome Jenny....I understand, it's tough being away from any support system. Please remember you are not a screw-up, you never were. I don't care what you've done in the past. Your OCD behaviours are just a dysfunctional way of trying to deal with life. You are reacting like a normal human being who's had trauma, didn't have their needs met, didn't have that deep bond with caregivers. No fault of your own. Quit beating yourself up. That's an order :-)

    I've been there (still am but getting better) so I know what that feels like.

    Try to do something to communicate with the outside world. You will know what's good for you, even if you don't feel like it. Opening up can be good.

    Life is cruel sometimes and unfortunately nobody is going to come and get us. We have to do the reaching out first, but a first step can lead to so much more. I wonder if a Skype session with a therapist might help? You'd have to search for a reputable one.

    But do keep in touch here o.k. xx

  • Thanks again and all good wishes xx

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