I hate this, still triggered and suffering

[peacefulandcalm]

I hate this. Triggered again. I feel so bad. So angry. What good is this. A good waste of life. 15 years. Or more. Too ill to write. It will calm down again, but takes days. I want to quit. It feels so bad. What a waste of life. I don't feel like wasting my life with this stupid thing PTSD.

Takes so much time to come back from a trigger. If it is a very bad one. And it is the worst hell, feels like one just wants any way out. Smaller ones, less time. I have had it. Don't feel like dealing with it anymore. Go through the day in agony and then tomorrow probably some better, then the next day, probably have forgotten, back to normal. I am angry. No one throws me around without regard for my needs and feelings. I am not in my right mind and all I can do is write what is there. I feel ill. Have to stay away from triggers and let myself come back.

Can barely deal. Two days with no triggers and I will probably be back to 'normal'.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

My dear,

It is hard to hear of your suffering.

I think the anger... Getting angry at your suffering is maybe a good sign.

I don't want to judge what/how you are feeling. But it is good your spirit is willing this bloody ptsd away; that you are angry. It says to me you are fighting it back. Xxx

[peacefulandcalm Encourager in reply to SavingGrace]

hi,

I feel dumb. I feel I 'wasted' my trigger. Should not have contacted father and then gotten an email that set me into a hell that lasted for days and still here. For nothing. Sometimes, it is useful outcome.

Maybe my spirit is fighting back, but I feel so ill. So beaten down. Can barely do anything. I know I will bounce back, but these triggers have to stop or at least get less intense. The most intense ones feel so bad I cannot take it, ya know?

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I'm so sorry, this is terrible to go through. I hate this too....I know what you are talking about.

I sense some positive in that you are able to writeso clearly, that you know it will pass, that you try to function regardless - this is really big accomplishment to be able to continue to function in a big trigger.

You are not alone, there are people on this site here so you can talk.

I know you probably don't feel like it, but if you have a possibility, try to do small nice thing that could help even a tiny bit. Nice warm bath or a walk or anything else like watching a movie or whatever would work for you.....

[peacefulandcalm Encourager in reply to Nathalie99]

hi Nathalie,

thank you. I feel nauseated. I took three baths, meditated. Ate candy bar, who knows why. Watched part of a movie. Still feel so bad. Head hurts. Just feel I want it to end.

I wasted my trigger! Messed up and did something that I didn't have to do, contacting my father and it led to a huge triggering for me. Beating myself up won't help. I just feel very ill. thank you for support.

Marishka

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to peacefulandcalm]

Hi Marishka,

Those things happen, be kind to yourself, it's not always easy to predict how much we can take and what might be triggering. I know it is very difficult and yes, it produces body symptoms so it is hard to get out of.

Sending support your way.....

[Hidden]

Breathe, most of us experience this so can relate. Simply because you do not accept it any longer means that you have survived and will continue to fight for your right to live a healthy life.No one will ever know the sheer determination that stops you from giving up. Well done for getting this far. Am sending positive energy in your direction.Huge big shafts of bright re energizing light. Visualize this energy flowing over you, if you can. When you are overwhelmed just remember that positive energy that envelops you like a blanket and although the going gets tough....you are not alone.

[peacefulandcalm Encourager in reply to Hidden]

thank you. I am feeling this morning- a depression so deep as usually happens along with the fear and feeling I cannot go on, no hope, despair, terror still, that I feel I cannot take it. This usually happens after long times in fight or flight.

I will visualize the light. It helps right away. The feeling is so strong. Feel humiliated, the life taken out of me, my 'chi' is depleted, no life force barely there, negative thinking beyond comprehension. Adrenaline still through me, cortisol. Hell. Very very very negative thinking.

Just want this all to stop. Rage. 'bad' thoughts towards me, then towards others. Twisted thinking. It happens every time the trigger is very very bad. Paranoid too. Thinking no one is good. Because my father hurt me again. So wounded in my soul, mind and body it is unbelievable.

Car noise is unbearable. I am tired of this, so tired I don't know what. I won't harm myself, just want this done.

Usually things happen in patterns. I usually forget what happens now. But it gets bad and then gets ok again after hell. I feel like I want to die though during it. I want out of all this. I feel I have given up my power over and over. I feel trapped. Still dissociating.

All I got for now. Maybe I cry a lot now, I always seem to forget each time and each time seems like it is damaging me more, do you think it is each episode? I want a hug and to be held and feel safe.

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to peacefulandcalm]

It gets bad but then it gets OKAY....

That's the most important.

You haven't given up your power, I sense there is a lot of power in you, you might feel different right now but it's still there.

Your life force is still there too...the fact that you know it's going to get better and dealing with your situation the best way you can.

It's still inside you.....trust your inne power......

You are safe....

[nessa3]

Hugs...hang in

[peacefulandcalm Encourager in reply to nessa3]

thank you, I need a hug so bad. I need to be held, feel safe. I feel so unsafe, so depressed this morning. So scared still. I am sure everyone knows how it feels.

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to peacefulandcalm]

Sending you hugs.....