I am miserable, stressed. Feels like nothing is right in my life. I know I have made a lot of progress but still nothing feels good or right. I know I am exaggerating, black and white thinking,
Boyfriend is not right for me. Home is not right for me. Cat does not sit on my lap probably because I am so stressed out. She is not happy. Hate the city. Noise is unbearable.
I fight so hard to stay positive and just keep making small improvements. It is just that I have so little happiness, joy, peace for so long. I know to keep going. I feel so lost and off my right path. I know to focus on the positive and I do after venting.
I know I am depressed. Very negative thinking. It can all turn around and become good slowly. I get into a deep depression after a huge trigger and days of fight or flight. I know I am doing better than years ago in handling things and my PTSD.
It just seems like a road of extreme work, still much much more to do, and not much joy for some time to come. Who knows. Just feeling so down and I know the trauma and beliefs and etc etc is underneath all of it.
Healing takes a lot of work? Well, right now, I feel like not working so hard and just enjoying a nice life.
But instead, chiropractor, doctors, therapy, keeping up with paperwork, financial worry, anxiety, difficulty, triggers, who knows.
Why do I have to wait until I am 50 or whatever to feel happy? Why do I have to be so old, wasting my whole life being in pain , wrong relationships for me, dealing with deep wounds, pain- emotional and physical? Can't I be happy now? And have peace now? So confused.
Well, I know why, just have to deal with what people did to me who were unconscious and harmed me very badly, not on purpose.
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peacefulandcalm
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I know there are some times of joy or happiness, maybe it feels like not many lately, but I can find them even in all this....just seems deep depression comes after a bad trigger.
Dear, I can empathise with your 'vicious circle'... when will it [ever?] end!??
I don't know, I could not bear for another 20 years of the same, again.
But you say you have come on and feel better. Keep that HOPE, because you are strong and getting better.
As for feeling happy now, not later... I agree, it needs to be now!
But what are/can we compromise in order to feel that now?
I - perhaps - made the mistake of sacrificing a career, in order to focus on health. I now panic about being so far behind in my life.
Yet I have calm and peace around me of the countryside. So quiet, I can feel myself breath and take time to heal.
I could not go back to the noise now. It is so chaotic and frenzied.
How I found happiness now was in small tokens and ways:
I decided to adopt a dog
I decided to continue with learning to play a musical instrument.
I decided to take time to be me, spend time with me alone, think about me!
I decided on many small things and gradually, I not only gained confidence, but the anxiety of helplessness eased.
Now the challenge is continuing to develop a routine, where I DO ensure that I take care of myself, rather than slip back into unhelpful ways. Because, I know that those small, strengthening actions - one day - make me more whole and more myself once again.
Please take time to prioritise YOU.
Make the whole focus and importance of a day - take Thursday or Sunday! - to just solely focus on something for you alone. Make a simple, small, short plan for that activity. And treat yourself. Don't have high expectations - i.e.: the simple, small actions - and so by the completion of that day, you too will feel ful=filled.
thank you, thank you, thank you! brain has not been well, however your words were very helpful. Don't like to write when brain is on what I call 'the wrong channel'. Dissociated....
Just want to tell you thank you though. I feel so much shame when I get triggered and dissociate and cannot get back for days. Don't like myself much during these times. When rage and such are coursing through me and confusion, and feel people may be laughing at how out of it I am sometimes. I know on here, people get it. Just try to wait it out.
I like to think of this health issue/problem as coming in waves..... sometimes smooth, sometimes rough - at all times we have to ride it out. Making sure you have a sturdy [even simple] boat to carry you through is important... right?
My wooden row boat has oars so that I can travel even when the motor has broken! I have enough food in store for my week or, a few days hibernation. I have the right clothing for the weather on.... being cold is the pits! I make sure I know where I am heading to and keep the stars as my guide....... it may take days to find my way again......
but I bob along now...... hoping for no more stormy skies!!
Even if it is a woodland shelter/hide instead of a boat... find your imagined and soulful hideaway where you can keep the fire alive and feed your mind, body and soul. The rest - can go to........ as they say!
You are the most important thing, at the end of the day xxxxx
I would like to talk more when my brain gets back to normal and my feelings. About moving to the countryside and some other things.
Your words helped a lot. I feel so upset when I cannot talk like I want to when my brain is spinning. Not much patience waiting for it to calm down or my feelings even though my therapist tries to get me to feel ok about it. I still feel so upset that I cannot respond like I want to to posts or people when I try to talk etc. Cannot really process much since brain is in survival mode, do you know? And I am not 'myself' yet.... I bet people on here do.
When the soul is in the countryside - now I feel that i can be my best and worst, without feeling confined and judged. In the city, it is like you 'have to be' the BEST you are at all times - otherwise you are just dirt and litter in the gutter and street ;o(
So I thrive on the country life. I feel like I found my community where i am able to be wacky, incognito, known, familiar, strange ... et al.. at any time. The village community supports me, without expectations. I love the air, the animals, the green green world.... the river...
I am a fallen leaf, yet I am part of the cycle of life once again... I am joyful!
I'm sorry that things aren't good for you right now. During a long difficult time, I mentally built a "She Shed." It is like a man cave but has stuff a woman would like. I thought of all the things I would like for it to have in it ,what it would look like and where it would be located. I also thought a lot about what it would feel like to be inside it.. I craved it and often mentally visited it. It was a great mental escape when times were hard.
After many years, I have a real "She Shed" and I'm proud that I did that for myself. My space is probably very different than what you would expect. Maybe mentally planning one would be helpful to you too.
I'll make you a deal....tell me about your imagined she shed and I'll tell you about mine.
ok...I will. thank you. When my brain calms down enough to write and concentrate. I am still so upset and upset that I cannot function well enough to talk. I don't know if you can go back to posts yet on here, I will try after my brain decides to stop being in fight or flight and dissociation. thank you. I like the safety Shed and need it desperately.
yes, it feels so bad. So so bad. Just want it to stop and it keeps going until it decides it feels better somehow. I guess until trigger stops, feel safe, upcoming possible triggering situations are dealt with. I want it to stop.
Boy, do I know those feelings. It's like swimming through mud, isn't it?
it is like hell for me. It is torture. The mind bouncing around like that and cannot stay in one place, thoughts telling me I am no good, the world is no good, people are no good. So much shame.
Before today, yes, it felt like what I described as a tight wad of rubber band, you know when it is wrapped so tightly that it is so dense and hard. Or like mud, yeah. No light.
But now, just scared and terror still some, brain changing some, shame, a lot of shame today, that I get so down on myself when I get triggered and like this.
Sometimes you don't / can't think! You can just look and maybe feel.....
Check out this glorious artist whose work calms and restores my soul. I found Julia Watkins Energy Artist work on social media. Each work is inspired for a different energy. [you don't need to buy one, just appreciate the work she shares online!].
yes, I feel like it will never change. I will keep attracting abuse and negative people and situations no matter what. I feel trapped, stuck in my beliefs. So tired. more later, thank you
I mean I know it is possible, however I have been stuck for so long, and in fight or flight more than half the time it seems sometimes. I know one forgets the good days sometimes though
I can recall feeling like that and it is hard, feeling so trapped and tired. You will get there.... small steps <3
Keep focusing on YOU.. not the negative people.
Focus on allowing YOU to rest and heal in quiet and peace - YOUR sanctuary... Allow that space to evolve and grow.
The more importance you give to YOUR space and to the sanctuary of healing you help & allow to develop, then I can promise you the negative people just dissipate. POOF!!!!
As you get stronger and the healing occurs, then you shall not feel so much tiredness - because energy is being allowed to Flow. You'll also feel strong enough to mentally put those negative folk "out of sight, out of mind."
I felt only just last year the immense tiredness - but a change of scenery, a good routine, diet, building ties with positive people is now making the world of difference to my everyday and yes, weekly, monthly life. I've started to come off my medication slowly as a treat! Because I am now so fed up of being on medication.
But I had to take small steps to get to there, to this place where now I can navigate the outer world again.
I know exactly what you mean, trying to turn around the sad and depressing times by concentrating on the little good things. It all comes suddenly back again. We must have ameaningful enough method to heal. All I can say is build ip each positive period, one on top of the other and they may multiply. You are very good in description. Good luck to you!
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