I am miserable, stressed. Feels like nothing is right in my life. I know I have made a lot of progress but still nothing feels good or right. I know I am exaggerating, black and white thinking,
Boyfriend is not right for me. Home is not right for me. Cat does not sit on my lap probably because I am so stressed out. She is not happy. Hate the city. Noise is unbearable.
I fight so hard to stay positive and just keep making small improvements. It is just that I have so little happiness, joy, peace for so long. I know to keep going. I feel so lost and off my right path. I know to focus on the positive and I do after venting.
I know I am depressed. Very negative thinking. It can all turn around and become good slowly. I get into a deep depression after a huge trigger and days of fight or flight. I know I am doing better than years ago in handling things and my PTSD.
It just seems like a road of extreme work, still much much more to do, and not much joy for some time to come. Who knows. Just feeling so down and I know the trauma and beliefs and etc etc is underneath all of it.
Healing takes a lot of work? Well, right now, I feel like not working so hard and just enjoying a nice life.
But instead, chiropractor, doctors, therapy, keeping up with paperwork, financial worry, anxiety, difficulty, triggers, who knows.
Why do I have to wait until I am 50 or whatever to feel happy? Why do I have to be so old, wasting my whole life being in pain , wrong relationships for me, dealing with deep wounds, pain- emotional and physical? Can't I be happy now? And have peace now? So confused.
Well, I know why, just have to deal with what people did to me who were unconscious and harmed me very badly, not on purpose.